
Book i fcLj_5JE.Ce. 



33/ 

THE 

EPICS OF THE TON 5 

OR, 

THE GLORIES 

OF 

THE GREAT 1F0RLB : 



IN TWO BOOKS, 
WITH NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS. 



Omnes illacrymabiles 

Urgentur ignotique longa 

Nocte, carent quia vate sacro. — HOR. 



O say shall those who just so bright have shone, 
Escape remembrance when they quit the Ton ? 
Their laurels wither'd, and their name forgot, 
As dog on dunghill has been said to rot! 



Icmscn ; 

PRINTED BY AND FOR C. AND R. BALDWIN, 
NEW-BRIDGE-STIIEET. 

1807. 



T1?47 3 ^ 



D.7YL 
If Ti'oo. 



TO THE GENTLE READER. 



_lT is pleasing to know the name of an Author, 
and doubly gratifying to learn his private history. 
If he is no niggard of due commendations, one may 
thus discover, whether he is a person that one should 
like to invite to one's table; and, if he is a satyrist, 
it would be convenient to ascertain, if one might 
safely spit in his face. But in this world, there 
is no such thing as obtaining all one's wishes ; for 
truly said the Roman poet long ago : 



• Nihil est ab omni 
Parte beatum. 

You may however rest assured, Gentle Reader, 
that no pains have been spared, on the present oc- 
casion, to gratify your reasonable curiosity. The 
Publisher has, at an expence too extravagant to be 

believed, procured the celebrated Mr. , who 

can distinguish the styles of all men that have 
written, or that may write, to inspect the manu- 
script, and discover the author. This learned and 
ingenious gentleman, has at length, with indefatiga- 
ble industry } succeeded in fixing the performance, 



by indubitable marks, on no less than thirteen very 
witty authors now alive ; but which of these is th e 
real author, (for one of them it evidently must be) 
is humbly left to the unerring judgment of the 
'public. All that is further necessary to be added, 
is a flat contradiction of the ridiculous and injuri- 
ous report, so industriously propagated, that it is a 
posthumous production of Mr. Tobin, whose Muse 
first smooth'' d the fashionable world ivitli the Honey- 
moon, and then prepared to roughen it with the 
Pharo Table. That it cannot be the work of this 
(late) man is unquestionable ; first, because it is 
impossible that the same author, who descended to a 
comedy, coidd rise to an Epic Poem ; secondly, be- 
cause his dramas are written in blank verse, whereas 
the following piece is composed in rhyme; thirdly, 
because, according to the old and undoubted adage, 
dead men tell no tales, whereas, in the succeeding 
pages, some tales are told. And lastly, because the 
dirge of the said Tobin is sung in the following 
pages, and no man was ever heard to sing his own 
dirge. 

The notes, it is needless to add, are by a different 
hand ; but of necessity extremely well executed, since 
they were paid for at the very highest rate of 
sheet-work. 



CONTENTS TO PART I. 

OR, 

THE FEMALE BOOK. 

Page 

M F 14 

M of A 18 

22 

D of G 24 

L— M P 3 D of R ; M 

C ; D of M ; D of 

B— 27 

L L M 30 

D of S A 33 

D of D 35 

M of S 39 

C of B 41 

C of M 43 

M of A 54 

M of A 56 

L H 59 

V C 66 

L C C 67 

D of R 72 

L— P > 83 



COWTFNTS. 

Page 

■ of D 87 

C CG 

-M ■ 105 



CONTENTS TO PART II. 



THE MALE BOOK. 

Page. 

D of P 120 

L H P 126 

S P 142 

L G 153 

G C 166 

G- — R 177 

W W 1 S3 

R B S 197 

L E 226 

L R 234 

E of H 242 

E of C 250 

D of Q 253 

E of M 260 



THE 

EPICS OF THE TON, 

BOOK THE FIRST; 

BEING 

THE FEMALE BOOK. 



THE 

EPICS OF THE TON: 

THE FEMALE BOOK. 



VV hile dull historians only sing of wars, 
Of hoocUwink'd treaties hatching keen-ey'd jars ; 
Of wily statesmen splitting hairs asunder, 
Of hills and orators who belch and thunder j 
Of grinding taxes, and of tott'ring thrones, 5 

Of him who eats up states, and picks the bones : 
Say shall the brightest glories of our age, 
Who best adorn the cut, and grace the page, 

Line 4.] The eruptions of Mount Vesuvius. Dr. 
Lawrence, &c. 

Line 6.] This mode of expression, when we consi- 
der the dimensions and isophagical capacity cf the little 
great man, seems rather more appropriate than the ce- 
lebrated figure swallowing us up quick. 
B 2 



4 EPICS OF THE TON ! 

Who on the top of fashion's Ida dwell, 
And gold in showers produce to either Bell j 10 

O say shall these, who just so bright have shone, 
Escape remembrance when they quit the Ton ? 
Their laurels wither'd, and their name forgot, 
As dog on dunghill has been said to rot ? 



Line 10.] It is needless to inform my fashionable 
readers that La Belle Asstmblee, that ornament of every 
lady's toilet, is published by Bell the father ; while Le 
Beau Monde, that inseparable companion of every man 
of fashion, is given to the world by Bell the son. But 
it is necessary to state that a promise on the part "of 
these gentlemen is the cause why this volume is not 
adorned with plates. A.s they have advertised their in- 
tention of giving, the subjects of my song to the public 
in a series of engravings, of which the first will appear 
in an early number of their valuable repositories, I 
thought it unnecessary to increase the price of my pub- 
lication by embellishing it with plates. The fashionable 
world may depend upon it that the elegance of the exe- 
cution will correspond with their highest expectations j 
and I would recommend to all lovers of this volume to 
secure good impressions, by early ordering La Belle As- 
semble and Le Beau Monde for the next two or three 
years. Had it not been for this undertaking of Messrs 
Bell, each of the following epics would have been 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 5 

Forbid it honour ! and forbid it shame ! 15 
The love of glory, and the love of game ! 
Forbid it, Muse, who oft with glowing strains 
Have rais'd sensations in high ladies' veins ; 
You who, with Ethredge, roved in royal stores, 
When beauties, like hobnails, were told by scores ; 20> 



adorned with a cut, exhibiting a striking likeness of the 
hero or heroine. Note by the Author. 

Line 19.] Every one knows the author of the " Fop 
in Fashion." His morals were a lesson to the bag- 
nios ; his conduct an improvement on his precepts. 
At the licentious court of Charles the Second his volup- 
tuous plays gave a zest to the languid intervals of de- 
bauchery j and his Dorimant taught the. youth of both 
sexes to mingle wit with wine, and address with profli- 
gacy. Half a century afterwards, the elegant pen of 
Addison could scarcely banish his lewd ribaldry from 
the toilet. His end corresponded with his life. After 
having wasted his fortune and his nose in the service of 
Bacchus and of Venus, he tumbled down stairs, as he 
rose from one of his debauches, and broke his neck in 
the very article of drunkenness. 

Line 20.] It is needless to tell the knowing reader 
of those rows of female figures, with stiff necks and 
wry heads, which are usually seen suspended in old 



6 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Or with poor Smollett, fain for gold to tickle, 
Wrought up with liquorish gust, the feats of Pickle ; 
Or, sinning deeper, like repentant Punk, 
Call'd gloating females to abhor the Monk ; 



galleries, and which are known by the name of King 
Charles's Beauties. 

Line 21.] Poor Smollett ! It is lamentable to recol- 
lect that the author of Roderick Random and of Hum- 
phrey Clinker should have prostituted his pen to deli- 
neate the debaucheries of Peregrine Pickle. Does the 
latter display genius ? so much the worse. The prosti- 
tute, who haunts the way side in rags, only disgusts the 
loathing eye : it is she, whose voluptuous limbs shine 
through the transparent muslin, that lures us to our 
ruin. Peregrine Pickle adorns many a toilet, where 
Aristotle's Master-piece would be thought to carry inde- 
lible pollution. It is said that my Lord , on 

entering her ladyship's apartment one morning, per- 
ceived the third volume of Peregrine Pickle under her 
pillow. As she was asleep, he gently withdrew it, and 
substituted in its room a Common Prayer Book. One 
may imagine her ladyship's surprise, when on awaking, 
and resorting to her dear morning treat, she found the 
amours of Mrs. B. converted by magic art, into the 
Litany. 

Line 24.] It was a good moral thought, to create a 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 7 

Or with young Teius sung of am'rous blisses, 25 
With one eternal round of hugs and kisses : 



general abhorrence of Vice, by producing her stark- 
naked before the world. But unfortunately, so tempt- 
ing, so piquant did the fiend appear, that the daughters 
as well as the sons of Jerusalem began to long after 
strange flesh. In short, the developement produced, if 
it was not intended to produce, the same effect as when 
Alcibiades bared the bosom of the Athenian courtezan 
before the judges. The dread of the pillory, however, 
on this, as on other occasions, proved an admirable cor- 
rector of the press ; and the second edition of the Monk 
proved a very harmless and a very insipid performance. 
The jest was gone ; and it has left its author only a 
name. 

Line 26*.] Such are his never-ending themes ; as 
the everlasting joys of love and wine were sung by the 
elder Teian. Yet it must be owned, that if he seldom 
expresses more than hugs and kisses, he often comes 
very near something more substantial. Witness the 
Wedding Ring. — 1 ' And now, — O Heaven" I am not 
apt to dread much from bad books, but I must own I 
was startled when I discovered these salacious lays on a 
lady's dressing table. Thanks to my happy stars ! nei- 
ther she, nor Mrs. T. is my wife. There 'is a consi- 
derable adaptation to the subject in the following stan- 



8 EPICS OF THE TON ! 

From next year's Lethe, and oblivion drear, 
Come save the deeds which you have help'd to rear. 

zas, which appeared in the Morning Herald of the 25th 
of last October : 

" On certain Lice?itious Poems lately published ;" 
" O listen to the voice of love, 

" Wild boars of Westphaly ! 
" Your pretty hearts let music move, 

" 'Tis Mauro's harmony. 

" Your ear incline, ye gende swine, 

" While he extols your loves j 
" For though from you he learnt to whine, 

" Yet he the song improves. 

" Listen each bristly beau and belle, 

<( And leave the genial tray j 
" You'll rind the poet's song excel 

" Fresh acorns and sweet whey. 

" O listen to the voice of love, 

" Ram cats on moonlight tiles, 
" The minstrel of the lemon grove 

" Records your Cyprian wiles. 

" Ye goats that ply your nimble shanks 

" On ancient Penmanmaur, 
" Bleat him your thanks, who sings your pranks, 

" While satyrs cry encore, 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 9 

Should'st thou, my lay, shine splendid as thy theme, 
Like rushlights to thy sun, all bards should seem: 30 
Then still might Southey sing his crazy Joan, 
Or feign a Welshman o'er th' Atlantic flown, 
Or tell of Thalaba the wondrous matter, 
Or with clown Wordsworth chatter, chatter, chatter; 



" And all ye Incubi that ride 

" The night-mare through the gloom, 

" The chorus swell. — Your poet's shell 
" Is strung from Circe's loom." 

Line 31.] This man, the Blackmore of the age, if 
we look at the number of his Epics, might become its 
Dryden, if his fancy were chastened by judgment, and 
his taste cleansed from the maggots of the new school. 
But, mistaking facility of composition for inspiration, 
and imagining that to restrain the overwhelming flood 
of his versification would be to dam up the pure current 
of genius, his swoln torrent is likely to overflow for a 
while, and then subside into a very pitiful streamlet. 
But it is in vain to admonish. — Volvitur et volvetur — 
alas ! that we cannot add — in opine •volubilis cevum ! 
. Line 34.] Every one knows how meritoriously 
Wordsworth has laboured to bring back our poetry to 
the simplicity of nature. In his unsophisticated pages 
we discover no gaudy trappings, no blazing metaphors, 
no affected attempts at poetical diction. Every thing is 



10 EPICS OF THB TON ! 

Still Rogers bland his imitations twine, 35 

And strain his Memory for another line; 

pure from the hand of untutored nature ; nor do we dis 
cover a single thought or phrase that might not hav 
been uttered by a promising child of six years old 
What an improvement is this on the laboured conceit* 
of Pope ! on the learned lumber of Milton ! Yet I will 
aver, that there may be found in Wordsworth beauties 
which these poets never reached, nor even dreamt of. 
Produce me from all their writings any thing to match 
the simply affecting tale of Goody Blake and Harry 
Gill ; or a line in which the sound so well corresponds 
with the sense, as in the following description of Harry's 
doom — 

" His teeth went chatter, chatter, 

" Chatter, chatter, chatter, still." 
What renders the beautiful superiority of this mode of 
expression still more striking, is the facility with which 
it may be employed, with equal effect, on a thousand 
different occasions. For example, it might be said of 
Goody Blake, who now wanted the teeth : 
Her gums went mumble, mumble, 
Mumble, mumble, mumble, still. 
Or of ladies on pattens — 

Their feet went clatter, clatter, 
Clatter, clatter, clatter, still. 
Or of the persevering efforts of a dog at a furze bush- 
Here Lightfoot he made water, water, 
Water, water, water, still. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. II 

Good-natured Scott rehearse in well-paid Lays 
The marv'lous chiefs and elves of other days ; 
Or lazy Campbell spin his golden strains, 
And have the Hope he nurtures, for his pains — 40 

Line 35.] There is much in the title of a book j and 
if there is nothing else for which an author deserves 
praise, still his ingenuity ought to be applauded if he 
has devised a happy appellation for his work. Eveiy 
one feels the pleasures of memory : the very words ex- 
cite a thousand agreeable associations 5 and miserable 
must the minstrel be, who cannot chime in a few notes 
that will please, when the soul is so fully prepared to 
enjoy them. On such an occasion, the unoffending 
strains of Rogers, — soft, delicate, polished, sympathetic 
youth ! could not fail to be interesting ; but he may 
thank the blessed powers of verse that Goldsmith lived, 
and that the Traveller and the Deserted Village were 
written. 

Line 37.] In former days poets we are told could 
not make a bare livelihood of the fruit of their brains. 
They might sing like Syrens, and beg like gipsies, and 
yet after all they could scarcely make a shift to dine on 
one dish, and drink small beer. Times, it would ap- 
pear, are altered. Scott, by producing before us the 
lays of our ancient minstrels, and by himself bringing 
up the rear, enjoys large prices of copy-rights, and a 
couple of good offices. To his honour be it said, few 
men deserve better to thrive in the world. 



12 EPICS OF THE TON' : 

Thou shouldst triumphant mount to distant times, 

And bear aloft thy heroes on thy rhymes ; 

Well known to all that soar, and all that crawl, 

On every dressing-table, ever}' stall, 

Thy circulation should thy worth bespeak, 45 

And thousands still be sold through many a week; 

Line 35'.] The first poetical genius of our age ; 
but, unfortunately, more a wit than discreet. With 
such lagging steps were his first efforts, his Pleasures o 
Hope, followed up, that we began to look upon it as 
one of the bright rays which the sun of genius some- 
times darts forth at his rising' and afterwards plunges 
his head in impenetrable clouds, which never leave him 
till he sets. But the Battle of Hohenlinden proved that 
the genius of Campbell was still to shine, and to exceed 
in his noon the promise of his morn. Alas ! how men 
neglect the talents by which they are destined to excel ! 
how they waste their efforts in what they can never 
achieve ! Campbell must needs be a politician, and write 
a history. — He that could soar to the empyreal regions, 
must needs lay aside his wings, and attempt, at the 
imminent danger of his neck, to dance on the slack 
rope ! 

Line 40.] It is now said he has got a pension. This 
may relieve his wants, but not retrieve his reputation. 
It is miserable to see the man, whose talents might pro- 
cure him opulence with fame, hold out his suppliant 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 13 

While tomes thrice learn'd, that piled in warehouse 

groan, 
Would but to snuff-shops have their merits known. 
Then, Muse of Ton, begin ; and while thy song 
In no unmeaning eddies strays along ; 50 

With blank most eloquent, and hint that flames, 
Unfolds redoubted chiefs, and high-bred dames ; 
Bids a whole epic upon each attend, 
With quaint beginning, middle, and smart end ; 

hand, and fawn on a courtier for a morsel of bread. 

Line 50.] Surely it would be far more gratifying to 
see the streams of poetry distributed in all the fantastic 
shapes known two centuries ago ; spouted from the 
mouths of Tritons or Naiads, dashed over cataracts ten 
feet high, and tossed by jetties' over the surface of a 
yard-wide pool : — than to behold them, after the pre- 
sent fashion, meandring through a smooth shaven lawn, 
in a channel cut out of the sod, and just so many inches 
broad in every quarter, without a single solitary pebble 
to give a little play to the ever-glassy surface. 

Line 54.] This admirable and ancient definition of 
an epic poem (to which the following epics correspond 
as completely as any that have ever been written) ap- 
pears, as is usual with the beauties of antiquity, to have 
a reference to certain striking analogies in nature ; such, 
C 



14 EPICS OF THE TON: 

I in my buggie, thine advcnt'rous Knight, 55 

Through Rotten Row will tend upon thy flight; 
Whate'cr thy Sybil voice shall utter, save, 
And now and then myself indite a stave. 

Ye female glories ! Be it first your turn, 
Who shine the brightest as ye fiercest burn. 60 

V / 

M F "y ■ . 

Whom shalt thou, 'midst this full blown garden, 
choose, 
To form thy first bright wreathe, discerning muse ? 
Say, are not her's the most exalted charms, 

Who lures an H ^?' A to her arms ? 

And hopes to shine the first of r-^-y — 1 *» — , 65 
Nell Gwyns unnoticed then, and Pompadours ? 



for instance, as that of all quadrupeds and many bipeds, 
each of which has a beginning, a middle, and an end, 
or in other words, a head, a belly, and a tail. 

Line 55.] Thus Pope : — 

" I in my little bark attendant sail," &c. 

Line G6\] Madame Pompadour; one of the most 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 15 

What though drear wrinkles on her brow be seen, 
And fat alone remains where fair has been ? 
What though a duskier hue, and flaccid frame, 
All out of season speak the rancid game ? 70 



insolent, unprincipled, profligate, and revengeful, of 
those harlots who, in France, trampled all virtue and 
decency under foot ; and, by shewing how much mo- 
rals and religion were despised in the palace of the sove- 
reign, loosened the hold of these ties over the minds of 
the people, and precipitated the throne of France to its 
ruin. How blind are princes, how criminal, when 
they endanger their own destruction, and the good 
order, virtue, and happiness of their people, for such 
sensual gratifications as would appear despicable in the 
lowest debauchee ! Will no warning voice be heard ? 
no repetition of examples strike ? The profligacy of 
Louis the Fifteenth, was followed by the death of his 
successor on a scaffold. Happy Britain ! thy virtuous 
King has set a far different example ; and, amidst all 
the temptations of a court, has never once deviated from 
the wife of his youth. 

Line 68.] The reader will readily recollect the cele- 
brated toast, fat, fair, and forty. 

Line 70.] It is needless to descant to my readers of 
taste on the rich relish of game when in season. 



10' EPICS OF THE TON : 

Though all that's gross must now be born to please. 
And love be lured by its excessive ease ? 
Though toilsome arts and ever-varied charms 
Must back entice her lover to her arms ? 
(Some swains will stray in closure, or in common,; 5 
Where'er their scent detects a fat old woman, 

As late hoar J felt her power to fix, 

And wiser H scorn'd at fifty-six : — ) 

What though around her sneer her seeming slaves ? 
And loud and fierce the man of Diamond raves ? 80 
What though deep groans foreboding parents breathe, 
And turn their eyes indignant to Blackheath ? " 

Line SO.] When an honest unsuspecting man has 
been deceived by warm professions of friendship, en- 
trapped by specious promises, and at length deserted by 
those who have caused his ruin, I detest his betrayers, I 
pity bis misfortunes, I would stand forth to proclaim his 
wrongs to the world, and assert his right to redress. 
But when a very sycophant, after having licked the 

footsteps of a patron and his , whose character 

he well knew, is at' length cast off, and begins in a 
half-whining, half-angry tone, to remonstrate thus be- 
fore the world: — "Was I not the most assiduous of 
your slaves ? Did I not do all your dirty jobs without a 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 17 

In her barouche while r 1 will roll, 

Or love between her mountain breasts to loll ; 
While round the course, or through the shining 
Steine, 8.' 

Train'd to her side a p y prize is seen 

To catch, with smiles, her glances as they fly, 

And search for lustre in her hollow'd eye — 

Still crouds will gaze, still Brighthelmstonewill shout, 

Still titled ladies throng her envied rout : QO 

By sires who kneel before the rising sun, 

By mothers who no shame for courts would shun, 

Still blooming daughters to her levees led, 

Shall learn betimes to stain the marriage bed. 

O Britain's Queen ! accept the tribute due 05 
To Virtue, Honour, Modesty, and You : 



murmur ? Would I not still have done so, had you not 
kicked me, spit upon me, left me sprawling in the dirt?" 
When I listen to a scene of this sort, I only moralize 
to myself, that spaniels who snarl deserve to have their 
ears pulled. 

Line 84.] " Hinc atque hinc vastae rupes." 

Virgil. 



18 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Though this loose age, by French example wise, 
The sacred rites of wedded love despise j 
Though matrons shine, when lost their honest name, 
And with th' adult'rer proudly flaunts the dame; 100 
Yet her I honour to whose single court, 
Chaste maids may still without a blush resort ; 
Even if the lewd should come, they come unknown, 
And Vice itself must here its name disown ! 



M— ■ of A~A. 



But quit, my Muse, oh quit these humble 
scenes, 105 

Nor stoop to queens, from feats surpassing queens. 
A would-be princess thee provokes to scan 
Her flight from King to Emp'ror, Czar, Sultan ; 
To bound with her where Rhone and Danube glide, 
Or pant for glory by the Neva's side ; 110 

By Dnieper's stream, or rude Crimean height, 
To prune thy wing, and emulate her flight ; 

Line 95. ~] Here the author himself speaks 3 for the 
Muse of the Ton is plainly silent. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 19 

Then at the Haram's door her watch to keep, 

Blest haunt ! where virgins ne'er were known to peep. 

Or see her thence return'd, with bolder fame, 1 1 5 

That spurns the vulgar tongue, and treads on shame, 

Try kings in vain, and after all miscarriage, 

Entrap a pur-blind M-^^-g " e into marriage. 

An easier task now, Hymen, thou hast got, 

A prince may fix her, though a peer could not ; 120 

A royal Lord may rein her peccant part, 

Who, from his foot, picks up her bleeding heart : 

Line 114.] We are assured that no lady is ever al- 
lowed to enter the Seraglio, without sharing in the ho- 
nours of the place. This is no more to be dispensed 
with than the oaths at Highgate. 

Line 121.] Peccant part means her head. 

Line 122.] About nineteen the beautiful dame was 
led to the altar, and became the mother of several chil- 
dren 3 by whom, it is not to be questioned, since her 
husband was within the narrow seas. Unfortunately, 
however, she in time discovered that there existed be- 
tween herself and her spouse that great cause of mental 
divorce, incompatibility of temper. He was not the 
being with whom her soul had panted to shine through 
life, and her eager fancy began to long after brighter 



20 EPICS OF THE TON' ! 

Sooth she'll not part, nor he to snarl begin, 
Good Germans care not for small slips a pin. 

Hail love of glory ! passion great and blest ! 125 
But triply noble in a female breast ! 
Rapt bards have sung thy feats, in days of yore, 
With Spartan matrons, and with hundreds more ; 
How thou could'st make gay damsels fire the trenches, 
And generalissimos of ostler wenches : 130 

visions. In this frame of mind, as she one night lay by 
the side of her sleeping lord, she fell into a ^ort of rap- 
turous slumber, and dreamed that lo ! her heart lay 
bleeding at her feet ! All night long she ruminated on 
this remarkable vision, and towards day concluded its 
interpretation must be that " he who should at length 
pick up her bleeding heart would be a personage so 
great, that it must needs roll in the dust before him." 
Is it to be wondered at that this bright prospect should 
tempt her to quit a foolish husband, and a bevy of 
clamorous children, after having drawled through this 
fatiguing scene (not wholly barren of other pleasures) 
for fourteen years ? 

Line 124.] See the play of the Stranger, and various 
fashionable German novels, which teach husbands to 
bear, with perfect good humour, certain accidents hi- 
therto accounted grievous mishaps. 

Line 130.] Such was the invigorating occupation of 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 21 

Yet sure thy power exceeds what poets feign, 
If e'er thy ruling force these aims should gain, 
To Jove's imperial bird convert the raven, 

And Lady Mary make of Lady — . 

Nor these bright trophies sate the kindling 
dame, 135 

She grasps the lyre, and pants for deathless fame ; 
Erects a stage, where her own scenes appear, 
The poet she, and she the actor here ; 

the Maid of Arc, whom Southey has transformed into 
a moon-struck shepherdess. 

Line 134.] Such was the secret spring of all the 
wonderful movements which we have mentioned. To 
be another Lady M — ry W — rt — y M — nt — g — ue ! To 
shine in the eyes of the present generation, and be 
equally admired by the next ! Hence the banks of the 
Hellespont were attained by the circuitous route of 
Weimar, Paris, Venice, Vienna, Warsaw, Petersburgh, 
Moscow, dim Tartary, and the Bosphorus ! ! ! Hence 
Paris,, and Constantinople, and Athens, were be- 
written in letters, and be-printed in narratives. Luckily, 
at the very moment of return, the forsaken peer kindly 
quitted this nether world, and left the heroine free and 
unconfined to mount aloft to her high destiny. 

Line 137.] In the name of old Father Thames., I 



22 EPICS OF THE TON ! 

Here far above all vulgar flight she soars, 
Spouts what she dreams, inditing what she roars ; 
Of all inglorious rivals makes a riddance, 141 

And shines at once a Centlivre and Siddons. 

Hail rap'trous moments ! hail ingenious dame ! 
Her pleasures doubled, as her doubled fame ! 
She hugs in fancy, as the scene she plies ; 145 

And acting it, she hugs in solid guise. 



Peace to such venial faults ! But were it told 
A woman lived still profligate though old ; 
One who, from youth, at each unhallow'd fire, 
Had glow'd and batten'*d to her heart's desire; 150 
As dead to shame, to every generous thought, 
As Mother Win, who long has sold and bought; 

thank her h s for erecting this antique Gothic Thes- 
pian barn on his banks, to die great delight and edifica- 
tion of his holiday votaries. Some persons have said 
(what will not envy say ?) that it is a curious contradic- 
tion in taste to imprint false marks of antiquity so zea- 
lously upon this pile, v hile she eft'aces the real ones with 
no less industry from her own person. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 23 

A hacknied gamester who has driven the trade 
To snare each unfledg'd youth and artless maid ; 
In passion nurtur'd, to indulgence bred, 155 

And blest in any but her husband's bed ; 
While Virtue shudder'd, and Repentance wept, 
A wife, a mother, keeping oft and kept ; 
Known to " the general camp, pioneers and all," 
My lord above-stairs, Thomas in the hall ; 100 

No sin abridged as life's dark close draws near, 

And quite a wanton in her sixtieth year 

Is English air defil'd by such a hag ? 

Haste, shut her up with cat, snake, ape, in bag ! 



Line 159.] " What though the general camp, pio- 
neers and all, 
" Had tasted her sweet body." 

Shakspeare. 

Line 164.) By a law among the Romans, persons 
guilty of certain atrocious crimes were shut up in a bag 
with a cat, an ape, and a serpent, and so thrown into 
the Tiber. It is difficult to say what reformation an ex- 
ample or two of this kind might work in the present 
day. 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Nay, lady, frown not at these random hits — 165 
But let her take it whom the bonnet fits. 

D of G . 



Bawl not so loud ! nor shake the muse's nerves -. 
She hastes to sing thee as thy worth deserves. 
O destin'd by the fates, in happiest hour, 
To shew the triumphs of the love of power ; 1 "O 
And teach the world against what fearful odds, 
A girl of Scotland may approach the Gods ! 

Line l66.~\ Our author, to make the real vices of the 
age appear trivial, seems to have drawn, from his imagina- 
tion, a fictitious character of a peculiarly deformed aspect. 
This is an innocent artifice to transmit to posterity as 
favourable an impression of his own times as possible. 
Whether he had in his eye any noted character of an- 
cient days, I am unable to determine, since he has not 
even afforded room for conjecture, by prefixing any 
mysterious capitals to the delineation. But certain it i<, 
that no personage of this description can have existed 
since the days of Messalina, unless perhaps that fair 
Borgia, whose knight-errant Roscoe has so gallantly de- 
clared himself. 

Line 172.] Not those of Olympus, or the Upper 
Gallery. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 25 

Few nymphs, new fledg'd, with eagle eye could 
trace 
The sudden frailties of his am'rous Grace ; 
Or move a griping draper with the pledge, 1 75 

In one short night to set the peer on edge. 
Few, in a ten-foot parlour taught to shine, 
Where captains sometimes flirt, and parsons dine, 
Could set the winter circles in a blaze, 
While dowagers with double vision gaze : ] SO 

First at the rout, the ring, the masque, the ball, 
Where dice-box rattles, or Signoras squall ; 
At Faro's orgies fam'd, with bolder flight, 
To win or lose a fortune in a night : 

Line 175.] Such, according to report, was the 
manner in which the finery was procured for the ball at 
which this gallant feat was achieved. His grace danced 

with the enchanting Miss M , and from that lucky 

moment conceived an irresistible propensity to conduct 
her to the altar. 

Line 180.] I wonder that none of our ingenious ca- 
ricaturists have caught this idea: — a dowager shifting 
around her chair from the card-table, adjusting her spec- 
tacles, and then intently employing her double vision to 
criticise the young thing just produced in public. 
D 



EPICS OF THE TON I 



A politician who, with equal case, 155 

Can twine a courtier, or a parson please ; 
Shine to the one, the gay, the gallant duchess, 
Whose passions fly, whose virtue limps on crutches ; 
While t'other, edified by looks so holy, 
Thanks Heaven that greatness now's divorced from 
folly ! 1 99 

With mind too noble for her rustic dear, 
She takes his tame four thousand pounds a vear ; 
In fashion's circles keeps alive his name, 
And makes him shine (his all) with borrow'd fame; 
Destin'd the glory of his house to prove, 195 

And but withhold that trifling thing — her love. 

Thus Hanover's bold sons, in mighty power, 
Wear our red jerkins, and our beef devour ; 
Shake the parade, or make th' exchequer light, 
And any thing for Britain do — but fight. 200 

And yet a loftier note the muse might swell, 
Of peers led captive by her magic spell ; 



Line 100.] Jt is a current opinion among the wor- 
thy parsons in a northern province, that there is not such 
another theologian in petticoats. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. -7 

Drawn to the altar with a wond'ring heart, 

While passion blows upon the stem of art. 

See mushroom princes pluck'd at, as they shoot,205 

Yet for her vigour prove too firm at root ; — 

('Tvvas not a Roman matron's high-born pride, 

No Roman virgin would be thus allied ;) 

See her the puppet's humbling scorn repair, 

And find a nobler match in R l's heir. 210 

Thus o'er the realm her soaring kindred spreads, 
And her fair offspring mount the loftiest beds ; 
Ambition bends him from his air-built shrine, 
His vot'ry cheers, and hails her half divine ! 



L— M— P ; D— of R— ; M— C— ; 

D— of M— ; D— of B— . 

Say not my epic quill o'erflows with gall, 215 
Or spirts around a venom'd juice on all ; 



Line 203.] In the days of Republican Rome the 

daughter of a Patrician family would have scorned 

to match with the highest foreign king, and still more 

with a prince of Corsica ! Rome had fallen to the dust 

D 2 



-8 KPICS OF TIJE TO.V : 

Eager to praise, where praise can be allow'd, 
I haste to snatch black cygnets from the crowd. 

From vale, from garden, where the lily grows, 
O bring its sweets, my muse, and join the rose ; 920 
The loveliest wreathe around their temples bind, 
And hold them forth a pattern to their kind. 
Through in the giddy rounds of fashion bred, 
Thiough all its follies by example led ; 
With every beauty which the bosom warms, 225 
With every talent which the fancy charms ; 
Though from the cradle to the altar blest, 
Admir'd and follow'd, flatter'd and carest ; 
Yet them no reigning folly e'er has claim'd, 
No rampant vice amidst her vot'ries named ; 230 
No tongue, in this licentious age, has shed 
Its pois'ning slander round their marriage bed : 
But meekly shrinking from the public gaze, 
They court alone the modest matron's praise; 



before even ancient royalty could tempt her high-born 
daughters into the arms of a barbarian. 

Line 2X8;] Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima cygno. 

Juvenal. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 29 

And placed in scenes of glare, of noise, and strife,235 

Seek for no fame that misbecomes a wife. 

In vain the very mother's sought in these, 

One half retrench'd, and t'other purged of lees : 

So have I seen a mountain torrent pour 
With troubled waters, and with angry roar ; 240 
Through noisy cat'racts tumble down amain, 
And rush with threat'ning billows on the plain ; 
But there arrived, its blust'ring waves divide, 
And o'er the mead, in gentlest riv'lets glide, 
Upon whose verdant banks sweet violets grow, 245 
And on their surface water-lilies blow ; 
Soothed by their gentle murmurs, shepherds dream, 
Or love to sip from their pellucid stream. 



Line 248.] The reader will observe that the author, 
with infinite good nature, and an anxious wish to give 
unmingled praise, has here said nothing of the scandalous 
reports of C 4*^ — — d Row, the prodigious sum lost in 

one night, the wrath of his G e, the intended sale 

of plate, equipage, &c. &c. ; with several other little 
matters among the gossips. But let it be remembered, 
that as deserved praise is the choicest meed of virtue, 
so unqualified applause, where censure is due, becomes 
the most bitter satire. 

D 3 



30 EPICS OF THE TON : 

From thy fair stem, what tempting fruits have 
grown, 
Like thee, to every gazing trav'ler known ! 250 
In fashion's hot-bed mellow'd into prime, 
One lovely peach has dropt before its time ; 
Yet still its sister fruits, from golden stalks, 
Their fragrance scatter o'er the courtly walks ; 
While with sweet smiles that might inflame a stone, 
The d — h — ss kindly warms her apple-John. 256 

O happy mother ! once a blessed wife ! 
O cheery widow in the vale of life ! 
Some card for fashion, and some dice for fame, 
But wiser he who mingled wit with game ; 260 
E'en kept the table, pander'd to the fun, 
And turn'd the penny, whoso lost or won. 
Hence his full coffers pond'rous guineas strain ; 
Hence his bright honours flourish'd with his gain ; 
Hence stands his name inscrib'd mid courtly gods, 
For teaching English nobles Capuan modes ; 266 

Line 266.] A description of the Neapolitan nobles, 



THE FEMALE EOOK. 



Hence shine his daughters in the foremost place, 
For who outvies my Lady, or her Grace ? 



which will no doubt be very edifying to our imitating 
higher ranks, I shall extract from the celebrated Kotze- 
bue, who, two years ago, visited them : " The higher 
classes of Naples are the savages of Europe. They eat, 
drink, sleep, and game. They neither have nor want 
any occupation but this last. The states of Europe are 
overthrown ; they game not the less. Pompeii comes 
forth from his grave ; still they game. The earth 
shakes ; Vesuvius vomits forth flames ; yet the gaming- 
table is not forsaken. The splendid ruins of Paestum, 
a few miles distant, so glorious a spectacle, are disco- 
vered only by strangers ; for the Neapolitans are gaming. 
The greatest dukes and princes are keepers of gaming- 
tables. A Prince Rufando, one of the most considerable 
noblemen of the country, keeps the first gaming-house 
in Naples ; and besides his, there are twenty others of 
the same description. Thither all the great world are 
seen driving at the approach of evening. Strangers 
must be presented by some acquaintance ; yet this is 
only a form. The stranger makes a slight inclination to 
the host, who as slightly returns it : but it is a rule that 
not a word is uttered. In other respects it is like being 
at a coffee-house, or worse than a coffee-house, for 
there one can have what he chuses for money ; but here 
are no refreshments, except perhaps a glass of water, after 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Hence his gay widcw in her chariot wheels, 

And counts six tall stout footmen at her heels ; 270 



having ordered it ten times of the servant. A large but ill 
furnished drawing room is the rendezvous of rouge et 
noir and faro. A pile of chairs heaped up in a corner 
of the room proves that a numerous company is ex- 
pected. Scarcely have the gaudy throng rushed in, 
when they seat themselves, with greedy eyes fixed on 
the heaps of gold which glitter on the table. These 
meetings are called conversaziones, but no one here must 
attempt to converse. We hardly dare whisper a single 
word : if any thing more is attempted, an universal 
hiss commands deep silence and attention to the myste- 
ries of the game. Old women, particularly, sit either 
gathering up money with their long bony fingers ; or 
with their green out-stretched eyes fixed on the rouge et 
noir table, lamenting the capricious decrees of fortune. 
Even handsome young women here degrade the dignity 
of their sex, setting beauty and the graces at defiance. 
The princess N., for example, is a professed gamester. 
Many others come to make new conquests, or to secure 
the old ; in both which businesses they lay no restraint 
upon themselves. A stranger is at the first look ap- 
prized of each lady's favourite. The husbands are ei- 
ther absent, or concern themselves not the least about 
the women ; for of the execrated Italian jealousy here is 
not a single vestige. Even divines and children game ; 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 33 

Glad to behold her offspring like herself, 

As gay, as painted, and as full of pelf; 

Still hovering round her former fields of fame, 

The ball, the masque, the concert, and the game: — 

So ghosts their former scenes of pleasure haunt, 275 

With eye deep-hollow'd, and with aspect gaunt ; 

Intrude on human sight at close of day, 

And fright the younglings at their moonlight play. 

Go finish out thy course as it began, 
Nor break at sixty thy consistent plan : 260 

For thy keen brows the muse shall holly bring, 
To suit the verdure of thy latter spring. 

D of S— A — : 

Haste, clear the pavement, call the crowd to stare! 
Her swan -leg'd footmen, and bright lacquer'd chair, 
And hoop to nose, proclaim S — A there ! 285 



for example, the daughter of the Marquis Berio, who 
is not more than eight years old. The Marquis is one of 
the most enlightened noblemen. Some maintain that 
this degrading traffic brings the Prince Rufando five 
thousand ducats a year. Others say that he receives not 
more than twelve ducats a day for converting his palace 
into a gaming-house !" 



34 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Say who shall more adorn the courtly scene ? / 
Or turn aside more gazers from the queen ? 
More through the rooms the general buz create, 
Or more confound the gapers at the gate ? 
More catch the town, or in the Post next day 29O 
Engross more lines, more wond'rous things display ? 

Nor be her glories to the world unknown, 
These brilliant charms are fairly all her own : 
She has poor nature veil'd with skilful art, 
Thrown rich amendments o'er each faulty part; 295 
And colours not vouchsafed the human face 
Cull'd from the shrub, the mine, and strow'd with 

grace, 
So nicely touch'd her frame from top to bottom, 
And all her charms so alter'd since she got 'em, 



Line 284.] Every one must be convinced of the 
propriety of this metaphorical allusion to the legs of 
swans, unless indeed that these bipeds have not yellow 
clocks to their black silk hose. 

Line 2Q1.] The attractions of a newspaper containing 
the court dresses, both to those who have been, and 
those who have not been to this scene, are indescribable. 
A beau might win his mistress by being the first, next 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 35 

That with the knowing, tis an even bet, 300 

If she or nature's most in other's debt. 



Dii— of D 

Such moons may shine, when thy bright sun is 
down, 
O born to grace the vale, and gild the town ! 
On Chiswick's banks, a flower that woos the sight, 
In London's throngs, a dazzling blaze of light. 305 

No servile rhymester now begins the lay, 
And sings, like Tom, for favour, or for pay ; 
No rich rewards come glitt'ring from the tomb, 
No gaping flatt'rers seek to pierce its gloom. 

morning, to bring her this epitome of every thing 
charming. 

Line 309.] It is rather mortifying to the love of 
posthumous fame, to observe how much more a person 
of great celebrity in the fashionable world is greeted 
with complimentary poems while alive than by elegies 
after death. A Nelson, whose praises every one is for 
a season ready to hear ; or a Pitt, who has left behind 
him a party that may yet be in power, is indeed more 
fortunate, and bespattered with nauseous applauses in 
many thousand hobbling couplets. But the unhappy 



38 EPICS OF THE TON, 

Hadst thou still bask'd the wing in fashion's beam, 
The muse had flapp'd thee in thy golden dream ; 3 1 1 
Or sung a second to some yelping cur, 
And raked for gold, perhaps, the dirt of S — r ; 



fashionables, when laid in the dust, are seldom c 
of producing more than a single Delia Crusca sonnet in 
a newspaper. For the benefit and warning of my read- 
ers of this class, it may not be unseasonable to mention 
an anecdote of the Earl of Shrewsburj , a famous 
courtier in the days of Queen Elizabeth. He had, in. 
his life-time, erected his own tomb, and caused a long 
inscription, containing a summary of all his transactions, 
to be engraved upon it ; omitting only the date of his 
death, which it was impossible for him to divine. So 
well did this courtier understand mankind, that he fore- 
told his heirs would neglect to make even this small ad- 
dition to the inscription : and so it happened ; for the 
space which should contain the date of his death remains 
a blank to this day ! 

Line 313.] A report was industriously circulated that 
this mawkish piece of would-be scandal had actually' 
killed the illustrious personage it attempted to expose. 
Surely her thread of life must have been reduced to a 
single hair, if the flap of this moth's wing could snap 
it asunder ! But the report had the desired effect ; and 
several editions of this apology for a novel, were sold 
off on the strength of an imaginary lady-slaughter ■ 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 37 

Or wept that virtues, form'd to bless mankind. 
Should lose the kernel, and retain the rind ; 315 
That a heart, warm with charity and love, 
A prey to sycophants and knaves should prove ; 
That nature's softest feelings should be lost, 
Amidst the waves of whirling folly tost ; 
Keen though they were to sorrow or delight, 320 
And sweetly warbled from the Alpine height : 
That talents dear to genius, mark'd for fame, 
Should still be wasted at the midnight game ; 
Or rack'd, next day, to find some new supply, 
And bilk a tradesman w^ith a shew to buy : 325 

Line 321.] Re-echoed from the harp of Delille, those 
strains have rendered the genius of their author not 
less known and admired on the Continent than at home. 

Line 525.] How indispensable are laws ! what a 
poor security would mankind derive either from genero- 
sity, or from shame, if the authority of the magistrate 
did not come in aid of these uncertain restraints ! How 
strongly is this evinced by the example of those orders 
who, in various countries, are privileged to cheat their 
creditors, without being subject either to have their 
estates seized or their persons imprisoned ! One should 
imagine that the proud feelings of birth, the dread of 
E 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



That she, of softness, past her sex possest, 
Felt the mad passions of the gamester's breast ; 



staining a title derived from illustrious ancestors, the 
consciousness of being so prominently placed in the eye 
of mankind, would prevent a noble from acting the 
part of a mean, .paltry, sordid, knave. Yet what is 
more common than to see a titled swindler pledge 
his faith and his honour for the payment of debts, which 
it has never entered his thoughts to discharge. The in- 
dustrious tradesman is robbed of his property and 
ruined ; while his plunderer, secure in the privileges of 
a peer, laughs at the misfortune, continues his course of 
swindling, revels in the most expensive debauchery, and 
transmits his estate unimpaired to his posterity. For 
the sake of justice, for the sake of their own honour, 
the worthier part of the peerage ought loudly to demand 
the abolition of this privilege. To the honourable it is 
useless ; it is worse than useless, for it enables knaves 
to bring on their order unmerited disgrace. 

While I thus address the peers, it may not be amiss 
just to hint to the peeresses, that it is inconsistent with 
common honesty to give in exchange, for valuable goods, 
their note of hand, which they know to be not worth a 
farthing. It is quite as bad as passing a bit of waste 
paper for a bank-note. Still more disgraceful and wor- 
thy of Botany Bay it is, to purchase goods of an honest 
tradesman, and carry them, unpaid for, to the auc- 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 39 

Or urged by faction midst the rabble tribe, 
Should kiss a greasy butcher with a bribe ; 
Unskill'd, discretion with her warmth to blend, 330 
Nor lose herself through zeal to serve a friend. 
But, censure, hush ! a sacred silence keep ; 
Let Loves alone and Graces come to weep ; 
Let tears sincere her human frailties mourn, 
Nor flatt'ring lies hold up her tomb to scorn ; 335 
When envy long is dead, and passion calm. 
Her own soft lines shall best her name embalm. 

M of S^^f 

Muse can'st thou ride, can'st gallop o'er the plain, 
And leap a five-barr'd gate, and head the train ? 

tioneer, to procure a sum for the discharge of a 
gambling debt ! 

Line 329.] It was certainly an ingenious device to 
heighten the value of a guinea, to place it between the 
ruby lips of a lady of high fashion, and thus let it drop, 
in the act of kissing, into the liquorish mouth of the 
chuckling voter. The gentlemen of Newport-market 
like it hugely ; and would not have been without such 
a kiss for twenty guineas. 



40 EPICS OF THE TONS 

Scour as, onbroomstick-hunters, ancient witches,340 

And save thy modesty by buckskin breeches ? 

Or name the pack, and shout the learn'd halloo, 

And do all else, that jolly huntsmen do ? 

Then mayst thou come in guise of vig'rous spark, 

And kiss thy gallant sister in the dark. 345 

Or thou may'st turn, these brilliant feats to crown. 

From hunting hares, to hunt religion down ; - 

Still hold thy concerts on the sacred eve, 

And Porteus spurn, and Rowland cause to grieve; 

Line 349.] It would be injustice to the excellent Bi- 
shop of London not to take every opportunity of holding 
up to praise and imitation his zealous efforts to prevent 
the day appropriated for public worship from being 
turned into an interval of licentious revels. It is no dis- 
respect to couple with his name that of a man who may 
differ from him in some speculative questions, but who 
deserves to rank even with the bench of bishops for 
deeds of charity and indefatigable benevolence. The 
abuse here alluded to, the profanation of the sabbath, 
is a favourable pastime among our higher orders. I can 
forgive a laborious mechanic, or a sickly shop-keeper, 
who has all the week long been imprisoned in a confined 
alley, and compelled to breathe unwholesome air — I 
can forgive him for making an excursion to the country 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 4 1 

While hundred chariots, rattling round the square, 
Alarm the choir, and drown the evening prayer; 351 
And big Squallante's notes to soar begin, 
While drabs without list demireps within. 

C of B . 



Yet quit the chace, my muse, however hot ; 
Poor Laura's fate ! it must not be forgot ! 355 



on Sunday, or enjoying with his friends the recreation 
of a tea-garden. But when I see persons whose every 
day is a day of leisure, who seem born only to enjoy 
the blessings of their Creator, refuse to devote to his 
public service the day which the laws have appointed for 
it ; and even ambitiously endeavour to bring contempt 
on the institution, by rendering it the particular season 
of their revels — I feel indignant that such wanton irre- 
ligion should be suffered to pollute the morals of a na- 
tion. When I see such practices prevalent among the 
higher orders of society, I cannot help recollecting with 
a sigh, that the unfortunate Antoinette of France began, 
by a studied profanation of the day of worship, that 
career which she ended on a scaffold. Long may that 
conspicuous reverence for religious institutions, which 
their majesties have ever manifested, avert such calami-, 
ties from our land ! 



42 EPICS OF THE TON I 

Unhappy Laura ! Why that heart-broke sigh ? 
And why that piteous roving of thine eye ? 
Why bear'st thou still that care-worn look of woes 
Which ever seek, but never find repose ? 
Hast thou not wealth to tempt the gazing crowd ? 360 
Hast thou not titles to allure the proud ? 
A feeling heart for others' woes to grieve, 
An open hand their miseries to relieve ? — 
Yet dost thou seem as if the world were glad, 
And thou of all thy human kindred, sad. 365 

Crowds, noise, and pomp, but barb the mental ail, 
She seeks relief in the sequester'd vale : 
Where Scotland's giant mountains threat the skies, 
And half impending o'er the trav'ller rise ; 
Where gullies deep are fill'd with torrents black,370 
Still thund'ring down the endless cataract ; 
Where sombre firs, amid the summer green, 
A gloomy aspect shed o'er all the scene ; 
Where rocks, asunder rent by Nature's throes, 
Their horrid shelves in frequent gaps disclose ; 375 
Where to the jutting herb, on crag too high, 
The haggart goat uplifts the rueful eye ; - 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 43 

There where the plover's ever dreary lay, 
Still breaks the cheerless silence of the day, 
Poor Laura sat beneath the stunted tree, 380 

Unwilling to be seen, and sad to see ; 
The scene was dismal, and o'ercast the day, 
Yet was her heart more doleful still than they. 
O fortune, where is now thy envied bliss ? 
O flaunting titles, are your joys like this ? 385 

Sorrows there are which riches cannot sooth, 
Nor rank allay, nor tender friendship smooth j 
Which wring the heart through every secret hour. 
And "midst the busy haunt its peace devour ; 
Which only fly when life and joy are flown, 390 
Which only rest beneath the silent stone ; 
There shall her sorrows cease, her cares be o'er, 
Who adds to misery's list one Laura more. 



of M- 



I love to find a woman that can spend 
An evening chearful with a single friend ; 305 

E'en by herself, not quite her soul devour, 
And half a day work pleased on half a flower ; 



44 EPICS OF THE TON: 

Nor from her books have every hour to spare, 
Nor, mad for knowledge, to Count's Lounge repair ; 
That haunt where ladies catch new themes for tattle, 
And learned grow by S — dn — y's pretty prattle, 401 
Or, with the rage of science deeply bit, 
Hear D^vy oxydate poor S^-dn — y's wit ; 

Line 39£).] So called from the title of its founder, 
and from the uses to which it is applied. 

LineAOl."] This gentleman had the unrivalled merit 
of reducing Moral Philosophy to the level of a fashion- 
able audience, and of converting metaphysics into capi- 
tal fun. For some time nothing was talked of at the west 
end of the town but his witty sayings j and had not a 
rich living, the just reward of his merits, stopt his 
mouth, he might in time have borne away the palm 
from Joe Miller. It is certainly a very happy faculty to 
have the power of being facetious on all occasions j and 
of witticizing, with equal felicity, while lecturing on the 
doctrines of Reid, or reviewing a volume of sermons. 

Line 403.] The boldness of the attempt was not equalled 
by its success. Chemistry, it would appear, is not so 
promising a subject for humour as metaphysics ; and 
it is not every one that is born a wit. It is not every 
day that Astley can pick up a Grimaldi, or Harris a 
Munden, or B- rn d a S— 'S— — . 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 4 5 

The flaws of science with a fiddle botch, 

And haste from chemistry to Dr. Cr-G-teh ; 405 

Or self- applauding puffs both hear and see, 

Where dun-skin'd oils from water-colours flee; 

And still to aid the lecture tame and vague, 

Th' example comes, and shouts " 'twas done by 

C-g!" 
O give him setters fee'd for half a crown, 410 

To catch him rich admirers o'er the town ! 



Line 405.] An experimental lecture on music cer- 
tainly forms a very delicate accompaniment for experimen- 
tal lectures on metaphysics and chemistry. Dibdin, at 
his Sans Souci, in Leicester Square, first introduced 
the fashion of spouting, playing, reciting, strutting, de- 
monstrating, diverting — all in a breath ; and it would 
have been strange indeed if the proprietors of the Rev<<? .I 
\ yuMiu n had not adopted so successful an expedient 
for collecting an auditory. 

Line 411.] This is a hint not to be omitted by 
artists. A friend stationed in a coffee-house may ap- 
pear to be there for pleasure as well as for business : the 
conversation may naturally enough turn on the subject 
of portrait-painting; and without exciting suspicion, 
L , or M , or N , or O , may be men- 
tioned in the highest terms of applause, as the first ar- 



46 EPICS OF THE TON : 

On this bright shrine of science deck'd so gay, 
Muse, turn to place thy tributary lay ; 
This shrine, where ladies' wits on flame are taken,, 
And offer'd up red hissing hot to Bacon. 415 

In times now quite from modern mem'ry flown, 
In days before our grannam's beards were grown, 
The fair — who boasted any thing to know, 
But just to toss a fan, or sport a beau, * 

Select a bonnet, or a ribbon match, 420 

Compose a simper, or adjust a patch — 
These wiser fair, with knowledge drawn from book, 
Could shame the butler, or astound the cook ; 
'Twixt spice and gravy trace each choice alliance, 
The Kitchen Guide their sum of nat'ral science. 425 



tist of this sort in the universe. A visit to the reposito- 
ries of the said initials,, and a subsequent order for a 
very fine (but not very laborious) picture may be the 
consequence. In such a case, it can be but a trifling 
diminution of the profits, to put a guinea into the hands 
of so useful a friend. 

Line 4<\5.~\ It may be questioned how far suck hu- 
man sacrifices are acceptable to this grey-bearded deity. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 47 

Still at their needle were the hussefs seen, 

Still at those works which now but grace a queen; 

The flowret rose beneath their fost'ring hands, 

And lovers were secured in netted bands. 

If nobler themes caught some sublimer soul, 430 

She learnt those truths which passion's heats controul; 

Line 425.] A treatise on cookery, well known about 
half a century ago. 

Line 427.] While ladies of fashion, in the present 
day, are almost as much unacquainted with the use of 
their needle, as with baking of bread, cooking dinner, 
and weaving broad cloth, which, as we learn from 
Homer and Virgil, were the common employments of 
princesses and ladies of quality, in the time of the Trojan 
war — it is not a little to the credit of the queen of Great 
Britain, that she is not less dexterous at needle-work 
than any of her royal ancestors. I have seen ladies, 
who had scarcely wherewithal to buy their finery, ex- 
tremely proud of having never hemmed a frill, or em- 
broidered a handkerchief for themselves. It appeared 
to them an indisputable mark of gentility that they had 
never been taught to employ an hour, cheerfully and 
usefully, in those works which become a woman. If 
they were capable of feeling it, 'tis a bitter satire on 
such pretenders to fashion, when their foolish vanity is 
reproved by an example from the throne. 



48 EPICS OF THE TON 1 

Imbibed the duties of the wedded life, 

To guide, the mother, and to bless, the wife ; 

How in the highest paths unenvied shine, , 

See wealth and splendour pass, and not repine; 435 

How suit her actions to a frail abode, 

And meet, at length, with hope and love her God. 

Line b3~.~\ It is curious to observe the difference 
which existed in the education and pursuits of learned 
ladies of fashion in the barbarous days of King Henry 
the Eighth, and in the present times. The Lady Jane 
Grey, before she was twelve years old, was mistress of 
eight languages. She wrote and spoke English with 
elegance and accuracy. French, Italian, Latin, and 
even Greek, she possessed to remarkable perfection ; 
and she had made some progress in Hebrew, Chaldaic, 
Arabic. Yet in the pursuit of these extraordinary ac- 
quisitions, she did not fall into any neglect of those 
useful and ornamental arts, which are peculiarly desirable 
in the female sex. The delicacy of her taste was displayed 
in a variety of needle-works, and even in the beauty and 
regularity of her hand-writing. She played admirably 
on several musical instruments, and accompanied them 
with a voice peculiarly sweet. Though of noble and 
royal descent, she did not think herself excused from 
the performance of any of her duties, and her cultivated 
mind enabled her to think, speak, and reason, with 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 4() 

But modern fair ones, with a nobler pride, 
These paltry means, and silly ends deride; 
Dash with advent'rous aim through Physic laws,440 
And find for each effect a nat'ral cause. 

astonishing propriety, on the most important subjects. 
With these qualities, her good humour, mildness, and 
humility were such, that she appeared to derive no 
pride from all her acquisitions. One day when her fa- 
ther and mother, the Marquis and Marchioness of Dor- 
set, with all their attendants, were hunting in the park, 
a learned gentleman, who came on a visit to the fa- 
mily, was astonished to find the Lady Jane at home, 
reading Plato in the original. On his enquiry why she 
omitted sharing in the pastime which the others were 
enjoying in the park ; " Alas," said she, " these good 
folks never felt what pleasure is. Their sports do not 
deserve the name, when compared with the enjoyment 
furnished by Plato." At sixteen, this beautiful young 
girl performed the duties of a wife with the same ex- 
cellence as she had previously done those of a daughter. 
At seventeen, condemned to die by the sanguinary 
Mary, she laid her head on the block with composure, 
and died like a Christian. It is needful to apologize for 
introducing this aukward old story; but it is done mere- 
ly to shew how well our modern ladies of fashion have 
succeeded in rubbing off the rust of former times. 



50 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Hear them descant on Carbon's varied use, 
And o'er the pudding talk of gastric juice ; 
Shew boils and gout to be, with all their pains, 
Caloric's vacillation in the veins ; 445 

Hysterics but some hydrogenic frolic, 
And chyle coquetting bile the cause of cholic. 
When Sancho scents the room, no prancing Sir 
Starts up in haste to oust the whimp'ring cur ; 
The blest occasion seize the anxious fair 450 

To snuff the properties of phosphate air. 

Line 445.] According to the new and prevailing 
theory of the day, gout and other similar inflammations 
are produced by an accumulation of caloric, or fire, in 
the part affected ; and hence the very natural remedy 
has been adopted, of pouring cold water on the part, to 
extinguish the distemper. Query, whether boiling 
water would not do as well ? It certainly extinguishes 
a common fire quite as rapidly. 

Line 447.] It is also a late theory that pains in the 
bowels result from the chyle refusing to mix properly 
with the bile — a very rational theory, and very fit to be 
understood by the ladies. 

Line 451.] The author has here taken some liberties 
with chemical language, probably from discovering its un- 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 51 

From Davy's dapper feats, so quick to view, 
Converting red to green, and green to blue, 
Now burning gases, and now quaffing air, 
TilJ tipsy quite he sinks beside his chair — 455 

When Flora's pores distend with vernal pith, 
Now haste the fair to catch the laws of S — — h ; 
To know if charming Darwin they may trust, 
Who sung the feats of vegetable lust ; 
And learn if true it is that nature droll 460 

Should perk thus in our face the queer corol. 



tractability in poetry ; but all his learned and fair readers 
will readily perceive what he means. But if they 
find fault with his poetical licence, candour will 
oblige them to applaud his delicacy, since he li n s 
only talked of snuffing up, without alluding to the more 
favourite experiment of producing a beautiful fire-work 
by holding a lighted candle to when 

Line 452.] This gentleman is the well known inven- 
tor of the celebrated invisible liquor termed the oxyge- 
nated oxyd of azote. Only a few ladies of the first 
rank have been admitted to the honour of getting muddy 
with this liquor j and for the sake of appearances, even 
those have been introduced only one by one, at conve- 
nient time and place. 



33 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Say, noble count, why not enlarge thy plan> 
And to the sex unfold superior man ? 
On table spread, with weapon anatomic, 
Ript up from head to foot, from back to stomach, 
How many a secret would the scene disclose ! 466 
How many a cause whence vast effects arose ! 

Of moral science are the sex devoid ? 
No — here their thoughts are grand, their knowledge 

wide ; 
They know th* attractive, the repulsive force, 470 
Which through all naturehold their sov'reign course; 
Which wed the acid with the alkali, 
And make the magnet now embrace, now fly ; 
Which spring the mushroom, and which grow the 

man, 
The appearance varied with the varied plan. 475 



Line 467. .] It is to me inexplicable why the proprie- 
tors of the R flV Kft^-n, have omitted to introduce a 
course of anatomical lectures for the fair sex. It would 
certainly be productive of far more entertainment than 
either moral philosophy or botany, and would attract 
much larger audiences. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 53 

Moved by these powers men long to eat and drink, 
And learn at length that strange odd thing to think ; 
The air in eddies, words yclep'd, propel, 
And now good subjects make, and now rebel. 
Do these strong powers the bosom kindly move ?4SO 
All reason thaws, all melts the heart to love. 
Act they in concert ? Virtue joys our eyes : 
But do they quarrel ? The result is vice. 
While these inform our organized pipe- clay, 
And in our bosoms hold their genial play, 485 

Then are we said to live : but should they fly, 
And quit their vibrating disport, we die. 
For life and death, vice, virtue, conscience, reason, 
These forces make, and end them all in season. 
The dreams which fools indite of Heaven and Hell, 
The curse of crimes and bliss of doing well j 4QI 
Of Gods and Devils, fables of old women, 
Are made to suit such bedlamites as Boehmen. 
Repelled, attracted, still we live : and when 
This motion ceases, we are clods again. 4g5 

Line 405.] My learned readers are not unacquainted 
with the fashionable modern theory that all the phen<5= 
F 3 



54 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Go on ye fair ! your learned course pursue, 
And do as nature's impulse bids ye do ; 
May fate your labours crown, make famed your life : 
Nay, make you any thing — if not my wife. 

M±—-— of A • 

What joys of wine make th' art'ry throb so high, 
As rapture trembling in the female eye? 501 

What ills so deep the manly bosom move, 
As woman's anguish mix'd with tears of love ? 
On the bleak beach before the gazing crowd, 
To hear these piercing plaints, these shrieks so loud ; 

mena of being, all the actions and motions both of body 
and soul, result entirely from various modifications of 
chemical attractions and repulsions, acting on inert 
matter. This is a charming theory ; for besides that it 
fully accounts for every thing, it fairly gets rid of all 
those foolish notions of future responsibility, heaven, 
hell, and so forth, which have so long annoyed the ima- 
ginations of men, and converted many a delicious attrac- 
tion and repulsion into horrible sins. 

Line 504.] This tender scene took place some years 
ago, on the pier at Ramsgate, during the embarkation 
of our troops for the continent. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 55 

To see that bosom, white as bolted snow, 506 

Heave, as 'twould burst, by swelling pangs below, 

O'er that fine brow the dews of death to trace, 

While all his lurid hues o'erspread that face; 

To see those polished limbs convulsive start 510 

Till fainting nature fails to do her part ; 

To know that all these agonizing woes 

Are barb'd by feeling, and from love arose; — 

Who would not weep her tears, and sigh her moan, 

And wish her tender sorrows half his own ? 6 15 

Yet stay These tears no mother's love bespeak, 

And for no husband seems that heart to break ; 
No early friends' mishap, or parents' ill, 
These limbs convulse, that face with anguish fill : 
Her babes, her husband, could that tender dame 
Unmoved abandon for a wanton flame ; 521 

Could pant with rapture in th' adulterer's arms, 
And feed the guilty riot with her charms. 



Line 506.] " The fanned snow 

" That's bolted by the northern blast 
thrice o'er." 

SlIAKSPEAREi 



56 EPICS OF THE TON I 

Now her gay paramour is call'd to wield 
Another armour in another field; 525 

For amorous stratagems in Venus' wars, 
To meet Bellona's wrath and bloody scars ; 
Exchange, for dank morass, the wanton's bed, 
While hostile glances seek his tempting red : 529 
Hence heaves her breast, and hence her colour dies — 
For now, what lips shall drink her glowing sighs ? 
What panting breast shall on her bosom pant, 
Raise each desire, and satiate every want ? 
Make all her widow'd nights with transport burn, 
And shame and guilt to rapt fruition turn ? 535 

For thee, fond fair, let kindred fair ones feel, 
Their sorrows mingle, and their joys reveal ; 
Gloat o'er their pleasures for some passing years, 
Then waste their harrowing age in penitential tears ! 



The child that sees another soundly whipt 5 
Is near as frightened as if he were stript ; 
And shuns, lest he a like mischance should feel, 
To rob the orchard^ or the cheese-cake steal. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 57 

But our grown children see their fellows stray, 
And sad correction meet them on their way ; 545 
From wealth to penury, fame to scorn descend, 
Mock'd while they live, unpitied in their end : — 
Yet unregarded is the warning given, 
And all unheard the voice, the acts, of Heaven ; 
New vot'ries still the fatal joys entice, 550 

Still gay and thoughtless, folly sports with vice. 
She, that once held her name, the theme of scorn, 

Does the thought move the sprightly ? 

The Abbey, sees it now a calmer day, 

Its guests less numerous, or its sports less gay ? 555 

There is high luxury less profusely quafFd ? 

Are those who drink less madden'd with the draught? 

Or the fair hostess less be-paragraph'd ? 

Line 558.] It is to be apprehended that Cobbet, the 
political executioner of our age, will put this practice 
of be-paragrap/iing in the newspapers out of counte- 
nance, or at least that he will render the encomiastic effu- 
sions insufferably tame and spiritless. His comments on 
two famous dinners, the one given in honour of an 
actress, the other given by a company of actors in ho- 
nour of their manager, have done much to shake the 
nerves of more than one candidate for fashionable fame. 



5 S EPICS OF THE TON : 

No '.—Scenes more costly now enchant the hall, 
At midnight concert, or at morning ball ; 560 

A Thespian temple here, bedizen'd o'er, 
Now oft receives a whole dramatic corps ; 
Where mushroom warriors learn to strut their hour, 
And Buonaparte, snug at home, devour ; 



Line 564.] There is nothing in which the officers of 
our guards have so remarkably evinced their superiority 
over the troops of the line, as by their great excellence 
in enacting of plays. It is astonishing how genteely 
some of these gentlemen can play the hero ; with what 
a terrible swagger they shake their foils ; and how man- 
fully they drive the enemy — behind the scenes. Although 
they should not be able to prevent Buonaparte's march 
to London, yet assuredly if he can be prevailed on to go 
to a private theatre, and see these mighty warriors 
frown, bellow, stamp, and shake the boards, it cannot 
fail to frighten him back over the channel. Admirable 
school for valour ! Excellent plan for raising the dignity 
of the army ! — But private theatres are not a less admi- 
rable seminary for female chastity than for male he- 
roism 5 and therefore we cannot sufficiently applaud 
those parents who permit their daughters to exhibit their 
pretty limbs betimes in tempting attitudes, in these pub- 
lic-private resorts of the loving and languishing. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 59 

Where high-bred dames, more given to deal in fact, 
Con o'er betimes what they eftsoons enact ; 566 
Where grace and gambol mix a thousand ways, 
And Kemble spouts in state on holidays ; 
Where verdant laurels deck the lustrous scene, 

And quite eclipse the greybeard M g e. 5 70 

Go on, fair dame, enjoy thy summer hour, 
Nor think of snows that chill, or skies that lower ,- 
Nor to your lord his manlier pleasures grudge, 
Who now a hunter blows, and now a judge; 
While monkeys wear a tail, or stags a horn, 575 
Thou shalt be talk'd of with thy . 



H- - 



When lovely E quitted first her cot, 

In honest way to seek her future lot ; 

By frequent curtsey humbly won renown ; 

And nicely plaiting of her lady's gown ; 5 

Even then her rival beaux were seen to vie, 

The coachman bluster, and the valet sigh. 

When next, promoted, (near that lofty fane 
Where stamp the mimic gods of Drury Lane,) 



»" EPICS OF THE TON : 

She by a fuming altar stood so dight 585 

In gown with sleeves abridged, and apron white ; 
The fragrant slice dissever'd from the loin, 
The trencher warm'd, or pour'd the barley-wine j 
In wedgewood bason dealt the smoking soup, 
And, trippling, cast a leer upon the groupe; 590 
With knowing smile return'd the leer or jest, 

Nor veil'd her ankle fine, or swelling breast 

How many a swain in love and luxury wallow'd, 
Gazed as he chew'd, and gloated as he swallow'd ! 
Or while his eyes and tongue would play the fool, 
Forgot his joint, and left his steak to cool ; 5Q6 
Would drink in rapture with his nut-brown ale, 
And count the cost that surely might prevail ! 
Now, in this temple, once where bucks ne'er fared, 
And but hard-finger'd tradesmen once repair'd, 600 
Lured by the priestess, rhyming templars whine, 
And players spout, and chuckling brokers dine. 

Nor wonder man, frail man, was here undone, 
Where woman's charms were all combined in one : 



Line 585.] In common discourse, the dresser of a 
cook's-shop. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 61 

Here tempting lips with tempting bosom strove, 605 
Here polish'd limbs with eyes that wanton rove ; 
Her body suited to her beauteous face, 
Each smile was love, each motion was a grace ; 
Here might the eye an endless banquet steal 
From what the kindly folds but half conceal ; 610 
And with well-suiting soul that scorn'd the prude, 
(Here prudery was too much for flesh and blood) 
When sighing, panting, Strephon warmly prest, 
Her gentle nature made her Strephon blest. 

Some scenes there are which all unveil'd should lie, 
Some joys too sacred for the vulgar eye j 6 1 6 

These no unhallow'd artist e'er must shew, 
But those who taste them, those alone must know : 
The vagrant muse, eves-dropping late at night, 
Shall ne'er reveal them to the garish light ; 6*0 
With wary hand she draws the curtains close, 
And lovers safely on her faith repose. 

But say what eye discerning found the gem 
That well might sparkle in a diadem ? 

Lute 6*24.] " Thy liberal hand, thy judging eye, 
" The flower unheeded shall descry ; 
G 



62 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Brush'd it from rubbish, polish'd and new- set, 
Whence yet a brighter destiny it met, 626 

Lodged in old Virtuoso's cabinet ? 

Now E 's polish'd limbs, and motions fine, 

Her mien majestic, and her step divine, 
Placed in their proper sphere, at court display'd, 630 
Make longing nobles haunt the glowing maid ; 
While the more favour'd sons of blest virtu, 
Her charms, like mother Eve's embellish'd, view. 

" Shall raise from earth the latent gem, 
" To glitter in the diadem !" 

Gray. 

Line 627-] Whether this jewel of the first water was 
sold for a great sum, or given as a present, is not agreed 
among historians. The latter, however, seems most 
probable, as it was only among friends. 

Line 6 l 29.] There is no one to whom these poor un- 
happy hacknies have been so often applied : 

" Grace was in all her steps ; heaven in her eye, 
" In every gesture dignity and love." 

Line 630.] Mistake not, gentle reader, it was not 
the antiquated court of Great Britain. 

Line 633.] " And is, when unadorn'd, adorn'd the 

most." 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 63 

Here hacknied sculptors strange emotions own, 
And on this study gaze themselves to stone ; 635 
Here sunk-eyed painters check the mounting blood, 
And catch, with trembling hand, an attitude ; 

The embellishments here alluded to are such as the fair 
Eve wore before *he saw the necessity of the fig leaf ; 
or such as decked the beauteous queen of the foolish 
Phrygian prince, when he exhibited her to the entranced 
eyes of Gyges. It is said that the great superiority of 
the Grecian sculptors and painters in the delineation of 
the female form, proceeded from their studying the 
living subject in this most elegant attire; and the vir- 
tuoso alluded to was too great a lover of the fine arts, 
not to employ his mistress or his wife thus innocently 
for their promotion. 

Line 635.~\ It is curious to observe the effects of 
habit in blunting the edge of our most unruly propensi- 
ties. An accoucheur daily approaches the finest women 
with as much indifference as a grocer's apprentice looks 
into a hogshead of sugar. It is the same with those 
meagre-faced sons of the fine arts, who are daily gazing 
on, and nightly dreaming of the beauties of nature. 
They study a fine woman, with the same emotion, whe- 
ther she be formed of flesh or marble ; and it is perhaps 
an exaggeration to suppose any beauties so luxuriant as 
to excite in them the emotions of ordinary men. 

G 2 



64 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Now in some tempting posture view her near, 
As once she lay to blinking M — sq — r — r 5 
Now as a sleeping Venus all confest, 640 

While wanton Cupid sports around her breast. 

Lo ! high in state, and near the sceptre seen, 
(Fear'd by a court, embosom 'd by a q— — ,) 

E shews talents far beyond her kind, 

And, great in fortune, shines more great in mind j 

State-secrets now she wins by state intrigues, 6iO 

And enmities conceal'd, and treach'rous leagues ; 

Knows how to bribe the most unbending wight, 

And, if she fails by day, succeeds by night j 

Can sift a counsellor, unlock a king, 650 

And lead a captive court in magic string ; 

Can act the patriot, warn her native state 

Of lucky seasons, or of threaten'd fate ; 

By well plann'd hits a double purpose gain, 

Enact a heroine, and a hero chain. 655 

Minds, to bear away, must suit the state they 
hold, 
Grave in the church, and in the navy bold ; 
Keen at Change-alley, vent'rous still at Lloyd's, 
And most discreet where G — nv — e all bestrides. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 65 

Thus a soft creature, touch'd by courtly air, 660 
Could wield the scourge, and laugh at mute despair ; 
Let loose hell-furies on a people's head, 
Nor shrink when fathers, mothers, husbands, bled ; 
Make the pale hero aid the murd'rous scene, 
And e'en outdo a scepter'd heroine ; 665 

Her private vengeance sate mid public strife, 
And think it kind to spare her victim's life ! 

Ah ! what avails, with soul like this, to find 
Such charms of person with such powers of mind ? 
Could heaven-born love approach these bloody stains, 
Could feeling melt where vengeance fires the veins ? 
Scandal may still reproach the hero's name, 672 
Who left his wedded love for thee and shame ; 
Or modern virtue may deride the charge, 
And hold a heart, when profligate, is large ; 675 
In vain they palliate, needlessly they blame, 
Such deeds, bright fair, must fix a deathless fame. 

Her name all gone, departed all her dears, 

Poor E sinks into the vale of years ; 

Sometimes, by starts, produced to public view, 680 
With crazy G , or obscene old Q ; 



66 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Or, match'd with big Squallante, strains her throat, 
While sister-sympathies attune the note. 
Sometimes new-gifted by the public tongue, 
With titled lover, or with husband young j 685 
Yet soon these rumours, like her beauties, fade, 
And scorn conducts her to the wintry shade ! 



What picture should we say were drawn to life, 
A promis'd peeress, and a statesman's wife ? 
A portly figure, not quite six foot high, 69O 

Nor 'twixt the shoulders three, yet very nigh ; 
With full bare bosom that defies the wind, 
Well-suiting breast-work to the tower behind ' } 
With open count'nance, that disdains to hide, 
Eye proudly rolling, and majestic stride ; 6Q5 

Limbs such as huntress Dian once did own, 
With fair round flesh upon no spindle bone : 
Who scorns to shrink from our inclement air, 
Arms, ancles, bosom, neck, and shoulders, bare j 
Whose voice her inward greatness not belies, 7OO 
Not speaks but thunders, lightens, and defies 5 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 6? 

Who in all scenes supports an equal name, 

High struts at court, high ventures in the game ;— . 

Such is the picture, truly drawn to life, 

A promis'd peeress, and a statesman's wife 5 705 

E'en such is she who stoutly holds the rein 

O'er him whose double strings had burst in twain. 

L- C&^C-a&diU 

From Scotia's mountains, heralded by fame, 
Young, noble, beautiful, Belinda came; 
Than her's no brighter lineage graced our isle, 710 
Her sire the great, the good, the loved A**j* — e ; — 
(A patriot race, who mid all perils stood, 
And seal'd their country's freedom with their blood 3 
Pluck'd from a recreant prince the diadem, 
And saved for Brunswick's much-loved race the gem;) 
Her sire still oped his hospitable door 716 

To glad the stranger, and relieve the poor ; 
Fair rose his palace, nobly spread his lawn, 
Yet seem'd as much all others' as his own ; 

Line 707.] One of them, indeed, is knotted again 
for the present) but most people are of opinion that 
'tis a running knot, which will slip at the first pull. 



68 EPICS OF THE TON £ 

In grove or grotto play'd the village train, 720 

And every stranger trod the cultured plain ; 
His happy tenants bore th' unwrinkled brow, 
And "live for ever !" was the gen'ral vow. 

Thus nobly sprung, Belinda's charms unfold 
More than is given to birth, or bought with gold ; 
The rose and lily blending in her face, 726 

And all expression beaming through all grace ; 
Her peerless figure such as poets feign, 
When Venus first ascended from the main ; 
See how her motions vibrate to the heart, 730 

See every limb a master-piece of art ! 

Not Venus self knew more alluring wiles, 
Or more bewitching, more eternal smiles. 
No damp, no cloud, o'erhung her opening day, 
Still witty, wanton, frolicsome, and gay ; 735 

The ground she tript seem'd livelier from her tread, 
The hearts she pierced throb'd sprightlier as they 

bled. 
No prudish mopish arts she deign'd to try, 
Nor grudg'd her beauties to the kindling eye : 
Still seen where fashion held her trophied court ; 
Still known the foremost in the throng'd resort #41 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 69 

No vot'ry sought a smile, and sought in vain ; 
None praised unheard, unnoticed told his pain ; 
Averse her bounteous soul to hide a charm 
Which nature gave so many hearts to warm, 745 
Her ling'ring foot, the chariot mounting slow, 
Displayed the ancle to the circling beau ; 
The welcom'd eye perused her melting shape, 
And half forgot the intervening crape. 

That season past, when, on the natal day, 750 
Poor Pye still labours through his annual lay ; 



Line 74$.] It was rather too liberal to exhibit with 
such a pellucid fig-leaf in the drawing roomj and how- 
ever mortifying it must have been for the surrounding 
youths to be deprived of the spectacle, yet certainly a 
great personage acted consistently with decorum, in de- 
siring the naked to be cloathed before appearing in 
public. 

line 751.] We read of a wretched poet who was 
employed by Alexander the Great to sing his praises, on 
the condition that for every good line he was to receive 
a hundred pieces of gold, and for every bad one a hun- 
dred lashes. Tradition says that the poor poet did not 
long survive the bargain, which proved as bad for him as 
the sentence of a modern court-martial. Had the same 



i 



70 EPICS OF THE TON : 

When hoops and farthingales in great distress 
High bolt upright are seen amidst the press ; 
Now all, but splay-foot cits from London, strain. 
To brace their nerves against the next campaign ; 
The gay Belinda seeks her native shades, 756 

And shines the fairest of the Grampian maids. 
Here joyous summer spreads so bright a hue, 
The meads so green, the distant hills so blue ; 
So glassy clear expands the inland lake, 76*0 

So rich in varied charms the forests shake ; 
So chearful Nature gambols o'er the plain, 
In youth's first bloom, just freed from winter's 

chain ; — 
That southern climes may boast their double spring, 
And fruitage cull'd through every season bring ;7G5 



bargain been struck with our Poets Laureate the country 
would hare saved many an annual hundred pounds. 

Line 752.] It is inexpressible how much the dignity 
of the court is supported by retaining these pieces of 
ancient deformity in dress. Will the nature of real 
grandeur never be understood } 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 71 

Tame, listless, dull, their changeless scenes appear, 
Nor know the varied joys of summer here. 

Here too Belinda, sick, of London toys, 
Found fresh delights, and brighter-blooming joys : 
An honest steward, from her sire's domains, 770 
With thrifty hand had cull'd no trivial gains ; 
His thousand pence had swoln to thousand pounds, 
And rich and ample rose his purchased bounds ; 
Bright vvheel'd his chariot, fair his mansion stood ; 
None but a Celt had guess'd his want of blood. 775 

A son he had, and thereby hangs a tale, 
A manlier youth ne'er trod a highland vale; 
With stately figure and with shoulders broad, 
That well might ease old Atlas of his load ; 
His well-made limbs, health, strength, and vigour, 
braced, 7S0 

His open count'nance bloom and courage graced j 
By youths like these fair ladies hearts are won/ 
Though dapper elves may squire them through the 
Ton. 

Belinda saw him Need the rest be said ? 

Belinda sigh'd that she was still a maid j 735 



7& EPICS OF THE TON : 

And when the youth, who fear'd to look so high, 
Perceiv'd, yet durst not read her speaking eye, 
She felt 'twas folly thus unblest to prove, ; 
Grow green and yellow, and not tell her love ; 
The Gordian knot she cut ; and then with pride 790 
The wond'ring youth embraced his high-born bride. 
With him she'd bear the knapsack, scorn the crown, 
And pleased forsakes the follies of the town. 

D of R- . 



As youthful monarchs grace an ancient realm, 
As sapling vines adorn the ripened elm ; 795 

As yearling shoots, in aged trunks new set, 
Sap from their pith, strength from their vigour get j 
As slender woodbine, join'd to moss-grown walls, 
New beauty gives, and fattens as it crawls ; 



Line 780.] " She never told her love, 

" But let concealment, like a worm i' th' bud, 
" Feed on her damask cheek : She pined in thought,, 
" And with a green and yellow melancholy, 
ic She sat, like Patience on a monument, 
( ' Smiling at grief*" 

SlIAKSPEARE-s 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 73 

So ancient widows match'd to youthful spouses, 800 
And bringing with them store of lands and houses, 
New deck the beaux, themselves new deck'd appear, 
The youth full pockets gets, the dame fresh cheer. 

No wedded ills their wiser hymens know, 
To teaze the gamesome belle, the frolic beau — 805 

She ne'er shall mourn for splendid fetes declined, 
Six months deformed, and six weeks more confined ; 



Line 807 •] To a lady of taste and fashion this is a 
matrimonial grievance altogether insupportable. What 
can there be in a silly bantling ; a source of vexation 
while young, and perhaps a rival when it grows older, 
to recompence such a vacuity in life, such a separation 
from every thing delightful, such deformity, such 
longings ! 

Matri longa decern tulerunt fastidia menses ! 

Fortunately that same round of enjoyments, which 
renders the evil insupportable, also tends powerfully to 
its prevention. A high-born, high-bred, high-fed lady 
is rarely troubled with too numerous a brood, "Were 
she to litter like the wife of a peasant, good heavens ! 
the thing would be past endurance j and the advertizing 
quack near Temple Bar would have to strike out an- 
other private entrance. 

H 



74 EPICS OF THE TON : 

The mother's dire dilemmas ne'er shall know, 
Twixt saving shapes, and humouring Rousseau. 

Line 800.] Most of my readers are not ignorant cdf 
the violent perturbation which this officious and wild en- 
thusiast excited, about twenty years ago, among the 
higher female circles of Paris and London. He was po- 
pular, he was universally read : his opinions were the 
guides of the times, the rage of the fashionable world. 
He seized this opportunity to expose the shameful apathy 
of mothers, the cruel dereliction of babes. With his 
glowing pencil he depicted the miseries to which the 
unhappy infant is abandoned, when delivered over to the 
care of a hireling nurse. He shewed the absurdity of 
supposing that a mother, who has strength to bring a 
child into the world, is not also provided with means 
and power to afford its natural nourishment. If mothers 
were deaf to the calls of humanity, and unmoved by 
the softest appeals of nature, he called upon their self- 
love not wantonly to throw away that filial tenderness, 
that delicate plant which they ought to nourish from 
their breasts, and which would prove the shade, the 
solace, and the pride of their declining years. To the 
unnatural dereliction of infants, he traced that total 
disregard of parental authority, which diffused licentious- 
ness almost from the cradle, and rendered the ties of 
parent and child the chain of lasting wretchedness. 

To these sentiments the name of Rousseau forced at- 
tention. His reasoning was sound, his eloquence pa- 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 7 5 

She, . sweetly lapt in John's encircling arms, SIO 
Shall ne'er be waked by bantlings' night alarms ; 



thetic, his satire poignant and irresistible. Mothers now 
began to perform, from shame, the duties which they 
had refused to the voice of nature ; and the Parisian 
circles of fashion soon saw the miraculous spectacle of 
young women, lovely, gay, and noble, suckling their 
own children. Britain in time imitated an example, 
which her boasted morality ought to have set. The 
Duchess of Devonshire, who, with many human fail- 
ings, possessed a warmth of heart, and a vigour of mind 
rarely found in her sex, and still more rarely in her rank, 
led the way in this honourable reformation ; and shewed 
that the duties of a mother could be performed without 
disgrace, and that the life and happiness of a child were 
to be purchased even with a temporary derangement of 
the bosom. 

Unfortunate Rousseau ! Let not this verdant wreathe 
be scattered from thy tomb. Thy failings were many, 
thy errors not a few : yet thy frailties may be palliated 
by thy education and thy distresses ; and even over thy 
vices a veil may be thrown by the most cruel malady in- 
cident to human nature. Thy vhtues ought not to 
perish, nor thy services to mankind be forgotten. Let 
those moralists who would hoot thee from society, lay 
their hands on their hearts, and say what social benefit 
they have conferred equal to that now related. It was 
H 2 



76 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Nor daily forced maternity to feign, 
And all her feelings 'fore each guest to strain. 
She ne'er, sequester'd from the courtly throng, 
Shall meditate her schemes the woods among, 815 
With what old trunk her blooming grafts to join, 
With manor vast, and much be-quarter'd line ; 

a vice which seemed incurable : a vice the mother of a 
thousand vices — 

Hac fonte derivata clades 

In patriam populumque fluxit. 

Line 812.] This is another terrible piece of constraint 
under which the effects of Rousseau's doctrines have 
laid fashionable mothers. It is not enough that they 
suckle their infants : they must also have them near 
them, caress them, amuse them, shew an interest in 
their welfare. To render this drudgery more sup- 
portable, ingenious mothers have thought of employing 
the occasion as no bad opportunity to make a display of 
feeling. The children are accordingly produced before 
all guests ; the fond mother is seen hanging round their 
necks, dropping tears into their little bosoms, casting 
her eyes to Heaven, giving thanks for these dear pledges, 
and for a heart that can feel the blessing ! This new 
fashion has a new name : it is called maternity ; and is 
at present accounted one of the prettiest modes in which 
a lady of the Ton can display her sensibility. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 77 

Oft ponder o'er the wily, vent'rous plan, 
To hide her purpose, and entrap the man ; 
How from seclusion her ripe fruits to draw, S20 
And burst upon the town with most eclat ; 

Line 82 i .] The following description includes the 
most improved plan of procedure for a woman of fashion 
who has a daughter. The plague of having her conti- 
nually in the way, from the time she quits the nurse's 
arms, till she can be produced in form to the world, is 
beyond all patience, if one is placed in the region of 
life, and new pleasures every moment press to be en- 
joyed. Besides, the creature, if at home, must often 
be seen by visitors in this interval : her face becomes 
familiar to every one, and she is quite stale before she is 
introduced, or published, as it is termed. Her debut at- 
tracts no attention : it is but as an old play revived. 
'Tis a miracle if the thing takes ; and if she does not 
hang on one's hands for five or ten years to come. 
Quite as bad is it to send her to a boarding-school : the 
aukward ignorant baby returns at sixteen, Mrs. Chapone 
in her head, and her feet a la d'Egvillej the oddest 
compound ever huddled together ; and no more fit for 
a drawing-room than a donkey for Rotten-row. Be- 
fore such an animal knows how to manage her eyes and 
fingers, her freshness is quite gone, and all the world 
after a new phenomenon. In this dilemma, it was a 
gallant thought of the Marchioness to let her town-house 
H 3 



78 EPICS OF THE TON : 

How, quaintly turn'd, the paragraph to frame. 
Just hint the talk, and half produce the name ; 

for a term of years, immure herself resolutely in the old 
castle ; undertake, with the aid of a Parisian governess, 
to mould her growing daughter into something human j 
give her a glance of every accomplishment ; and teach 
her to play them off to the best advantage: then, the 
necessary period of her durance expired, cause her house 
to be repaired, and new furnished, have her preparations 
for return blazoned abroad, and then re-appear in the 
world like a comet from the outskirts of its orbit. The 
scheme succeeded to her wish ; the beautiful Maria cap- 
tivated all men, and was carried off in three weeks by 
one of the first peers of the realm. Nor did the Mar- 
chioness lose by her long captivity : her face had all the 
charms of novelty as well as her daughter's ; and the old 
Marquis having died during her recess, she soon tasted 
the sweets of a new honey-moon. Her example has 
since been the guide among women of spirit, as may be 
yearly seen in the columns of our fashionable news- 
papers. 

Line 822.] This is a circumstance which ought to 
be carefully attended to ; as few things are of so much 
importance as the announcing paragraphs. They 
should be inserted in the Post or Herald at some of 
those fortunate intervals of public attention, when there 
is nothing so singular as to be talked of by every one. 



THE PEMALE BOOK. 79 

Ward off, with pious care, and eye so wary, 

The lacquey, captain, gard'ner, 'pothecary ; 825 



The following form of a paragraph for announcing the 
re-appearance has met with approbation : 

" It is with infinite satisfaction that the fashionable 

world have learnt the arrival of Lady D with her 

lovely daughter. No one had forgot the shining figure 
which her ladyship made, when she yielded to the feel- 
ings of maternal tenderness, and sacrificed all the joys 
of splendour and admiration, to devote herself to the 
education of the beautiful Louisa. That delicious 
blossom is now matured ; and the fruit is as rich as it is 

delicate. Nor are the merits of Lady D without 

reward. Besides the inexpressible pleasure of seeing 
her daughter all-accomplished, the fresh air and tranquil 
pleasures of the country have given a tint to her com- 
plexion, and a lustre to her eyes, as captivating as they 
are uncommon. We do not wonder that such a crowd 
of expecting youths attended at the door to see the 
lovely pair alight." 

The following paragraph, announcing an intended 
union, appeared lately in the papers, and is certainly a 
model : 

" Whatever our contemporaries may have said, we 
can, from the best authority, contradict the reported 

union of the Earl of and Lady D 's beautiful 

daughter. Such indeed is the enchantment of that be- 



EPICS OF THE TON J 



Till, to a spouse consign'd her troublous charge, 
At length the weary guardian's set at large. — 



witching creature, that we do not wonder his lordship 
should have adventured., among so many others, for the 
golden fruit. She, however still * smiles to all, favours 
to none extends' — yet we could name a noble and gal- 
lant marquis who has caught some glances which so 
many would have died to gain. Should his success be 
as marked at the bonny duchess's grand party of fashion- 
ables, where the charming pair will this evening meet, 
he will cause many a noble swain to wear the willow." 

Line S25.] Instances have lately occurred in which 
persons of all these descriptions have carried off Right 
Honourable fair ones in triumph. Nor ought this to 
excite our surprise. That education which teaches the 
young mind to regard external shew and splendour as the 
supreme good, and the arts of catching a man of rank 
and wealth as the only useful acquirements, imparts no 
real dignity to the character. The female becomes de- 
graded in her own estimation, and is conscious of no 
meanness where appearances can be saved. But the 
heart will have its longings as well as the eye ; and 
where a fine coat, and a fine fellow, are fairly balanced 
against each other, it is ten to one if opportunity does 
not turn the scale. An education which should inspire 
religious and moral principles, and impart real dignity to 



THE FEMALE BOOK. bl 

To him, the pressing claims of custom's duns, 
A snug provision for the younger sons^ 
A tempting dower to gain the daughters love, 830 
Shall ne'er the stud displace, or game reprove. 
He ne'er with body curv'd, and cap in hand, 
Before the Premier's strutting form shall stand j 
Recount his members, and his votes recall, 
And represent his boys are now grown tall ; 835 
Beg him his fortune's gaping wounds to heal, 
And fix his leeches on the common weal. 



the mind, would be a surer guardian of female virtue, 
than the watchful dragon of the Hesperian gardens. 

Line 837.] I have often wondered at the absurdity 
of those persons who call out for an abolition of sinecure 
places and pensions, and represent them as useless in- 
cumbrances. Useless ! In the name of common sense, 
if these were abolished, how is it possible that the 
younger branches of our noble families should be de- 
cently provided for ? It is impossible for the most 
wealthy nobleman to provide for a number of sons and 
daughters, without impoverishing the family fortunes, 
without wounding the aristocracy to the quick, without 
endangering a lamentable decay of the most flourishing 
branch of our glorious constitution. But by means of 



82 EPICS OF THE TON *. 

On one long level road of bliss unbroke, 
This joyous team shall draw the silken yoke ; 
The same delights which bound them first together, 
Shall still remain untouch'd by time or weather ;841 
While bloom her fields, her dividends are paid, 
Her yearly board with large rack-rents are spread, 
While to his purse a full supply is brought 
He gets whate'er he seeks, whate'er he sought; 845 
And while in equal plenty shines her gold, 
What is't to him although she grows more old ? 

Nor are her joys with liberty eloped ; 
She shines one winter more than once she hoped ; 



a large supply of pensions, and of places befitting the 
habits of a nobleman, these evils are averted. The 
peer is enabled to expend his whole income in maintain* 
ing his splendour ; he transmits his estates unimpaired 
to the heir of his honours ; and the nobility are pre- 
served in their ancient predominancy over the rest of the 
community. To procure such transcendant advantages, 
is it not proper that a large portion of our taxes should 
go to maintain the younger branches of noble houses ? 
Is it not expedient that, to use the energetic language of 
Mr. Fox, " the lower classes of the society should be 
driven from the parlour to the garret, and from the 
garret to the cellar ?" 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 83 

The fashion leads ; from scandal's shafts exempt, 
Still bears the honour of the power to tempt ; S51 
And sure till all her wishing days are past, 
Her Strephon's charms, and vig'rous port shall last. 



In ancient Troy, a town well known to fame, 
A hero liv'd, Sir Pandarus his name, 855 

'Twas his, when warriors loosed the chariot team, 
Or courtly dames threw by their wool to dream, — 



Line 855.] So called by Shakspeare. 

Line 856.] In the times of the Trojan war, as 
Homer informs us, all the great warriors went to battle 
in chariots, and generally acted both as postillions and 
grooms to themselves. It is probably in imitation of 
this ancient and renowned custom, that our modern he- 
roes are so frequently found mounted on the coach-box 
in the appropriate dress, and intermingled with their 
undistinguishable lacquies in the stable. 

Line 857.] The ladies of the same age were em- 
ployed chiefly in preparing .woollen stuffs for the men j 
and, strange to tell ! the fair ones of Priam's court were 
uncommonly notable wool-combers, spinsters, weavers, 



84 EPICS OF THE TON I 

To read the wishful look, the longing eye, 
And whisper soft of blest occasions nigh, 
Of mutual flames, of interviews conceal'd, 860 
And dear delights to Nox alone reveal'd. 
'Twas his through lanes untrod, and alleys dark, 
At noon of night to lead th' advent'rous spark, 
Where in disguised attire, unseen convey 'd, 
All-tuned to rapture glowed the panting maid. 865 

and tailors. It appears, however, that Cupid was no- 
wise deterred by a distaff: but as there were, in that 
age, no routs, balls, gaming-tables, operas, masque- 
rades, at which one could meet another, the good offices 
of such kind-hearted gentlemen as Sir Pandarus must 
have been of uncommon utility. 

Line 86*1.] It is pleasing to see traces of the rites of 
ancient times still preserved. The goddess Nox was, in 
days of old, peculiarly favourable to all the votaries of 
pleasure and freedom, and was hence the particular ob- 
ject of their admiration. In our days, such is the grati- 
tude of the whole world of fashion, as well as of sharp- 
ers, that they scarcely perform any of their mysteries 
unless under her influence. 

Line 863.] " The moon 

" Riding near her highest noon." 

Milton, 



THE FEMALE BOOK. Sj 

If deathless laurel round his temples shines, 
Such wreathes as Cyprus rears, and Shakspeare 

twines ; 
While warriors vast like nameless donkies rot, 
And Troy itself is sought where Troy was not : — • 
Though midst a colder race, and colder clime, 870 
Where frost-bit pleasure scarce e'er gained its prime, 
O ! ne'er the genial dome forgotten be, 
Where love unbinds the zone, and revels free ; 
Where, from hot suppers, titled dames repair, 
Nor all-work hacknies seek, or curtain'd chair ; 875 

Line 86*7.] See the play of Troilus and Cressida, in 
which the feats of Pandarus are held forth to the admi- 
ration and imitation of all posterity. 

Line 86*9.] Vide the researches of Mr. Gell, &c. &c. 

Line 875.] It may here be necessary to remark that 
ladies, once admitted into the circles of fashion, and 
who afterwards so far save appearances as to live on cer- 
tain terms with their husbands, and to avoid a prosecu- 
tion in a court of law, may be, and are, visited freely, 
and without any danger of scandal. This consideration 
ought to be most seriously weighed by all females of dis- 
tinction. They have ample latitude allowed them by 
I 



86 EPICS OF THE TON : 

All loose to joy in nature's charms confest, 
Unheard embracing, and unseen embraced j 
Nor dreading ought that not with love accords, 
The lash of sland'ring tongues, or jealous lords. 

Here, under cover, billet doux convey'd 880, 
Nor fear the careless page, or prying maid ; 
Through hands well-skill'd the assignations speed, 
Fresh blooming heirs to barren beds succeed, 
And gentle maids from leading apes are freed. 

Sage sophs of old have labour'd to attain 885 
The happiest point of mingling joy with gain : 
A vain pursuit for dolts like them to think of, 
Whoscarce felt pleasure oft'ner than the chin-cough : 



our generous customs; and surely it cannot require 
much skill, in the present state of things, to avoid 
being found out. In former times, unsuspected hack- 
ney-coaches, and close chairs were resorted to as the 
means of concealment : Now the affair is much more 
securely managed under the protection of a privileged 
name. 

Line 886 ] i* Omne tulit punctual, qui miscuit utile 
dulci." 

Horace. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 87 

A wiser Pandara of modern time, 

As scandal tells, made bliss with profit chime ; 890 

Here set the dice, enkindled there the flame, 

And still, from mantling pleasure, cull'd the game. 

Does fortune smile, and does she win the bet ? 

The happy lover hastes to pay the debt : 

Does fortune frown ? No avarice Cupid knows — 

His claim the joyful paramour foregoes. S96 

Thus, never losing, still the hostess wins, 

And plenteous guineas spring from teeming sins. 



of D- 



Though sweet its odours, and though bright its 
hues, 
By kindly suns matured, and summer dews, 900 
How many a flower puts forth the bloom, and dies, 
Unknown to fost'ring hands, or wond'ring eyes ! 

How many a virgin, like the desert flower 
Condemned to distant vale, and silent hour, 
All unregarded, wastes her blooming prime, 0,05 
All unregarded, yields her charms to time ! 

I 2 



88 EPICS OP THE TON : 

Though never cheek disclosed a softer die, 
Though never beam'd a more alluring eye, 
Though never bosom with more am'rous swell, 
Inflamed the gay, or made the saint rebel ; 910 
These all in vain benignant nature rears, 
An Ex'ter comes not in a hundred years. 
No eye to read, no scene to shew her charms, 
Some clown receives her in his callous arms; 
Her humble office, 'mid neglected shades, 915 

To tend her younglings, ply domestic trades, 
To keep the keys, and scold the loit'ring maids. 

But happy she, by brighter stars design'd, 
To shine in public and attract mankind ; 



Line 912.] This nobleman, as report says, deter- 
mining to procure a woman, whose heart dissipation 
had not debauched, and who should love him entirely 
for his own personal merits, disguised himself like a 
peasant, and in this attire betook himself to the labours 
of husbandry in a distant part of the country. Here, 
by happy chance, he met with the object which he 
sought 5 and in his blooming bride found innocence 
without affectation, love without avarice or ambition, 
and beauty fresh from the hands of nature. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 89 

And all her charms to all advantage seen, 920 

Now smile the goddess, and now step the queen ! 

Ne'er from her lips, the accents, faltring, slow, 
Like miss from boarding school's ungraceful flow ; 
Full, free, matured, the notes sonorous rise, 
And plaudits loud are mix'd with silent sighs. 925 

Cast in the shade, by other objects crost, 
No motion fine, or witching leer is lost ; 
Caught by a thousand eyes, borne on bright feather, 
Talk'd with the news, and ponder'd with the weather. 

To scantling nature, here does licensed art 930 
A richer hue, and mellower shape, impart ; 
By neighb'ring rouge, the brighter eyes convey 
More brilliant glances to their panting prey; 

Line 928.] " Borne on bright wing." 

Miltox. 

Line 933.] This is the modern justification for wear- 
ing rouge, as black patches were formerly worn to set 
oft' the whiteness of the skin. I confess it would be 
unjustifiable to deny this ornament to the ladies of the 
stage, whose glances have to shoot " athwart the gloom 
profound" of Drury Lane theatre : only, as a friend, I 
would advise them not to daub it on so abominably 



QO EPICS OF THE TON : 

While floating robes, from fashion's newest mould, 
Just what she wills, and as she wills, unfold. 935 
Hence little Nell o'er Charles bore sovereign sway, 
While crowds of rival beauties pass'd away ; 

that each cheek reminds the people of the galleries of 
hung beef painted on a sign-board. As to other ladies, 
I have nothing at present to say to them. Let those, 
who are curs'd with wall eyes, e'en rouge to give them 
something like lustre. But it shall ever be my opinion, 
that countenances, which have any thing to express, 
will always express it ; and that the eyes will always 
sparkle when the heart expands with gaiety and good- 
humour. 

" Line 935.'] Vide Parisot, &c. &c. 

Line 536.] Nell Gwyn, the celebrated mistress of 
Charles the Second, maintained a considerable sway over 
him, in spite of that licentious monarch's unbounded 
passion for variety. She was a person of infinite good- 
humour, and bore the rubs incident to her situation with 
perfect composure. It is told of her coachman, that, 
being one day insulted by a brother-whip with the jeer 

that " he served a w ," he stript and asserted his 

honour in a sound bruising match. Nell was attracted 
by the noise of the scuffle ; and on learning the affair 
from her coachman, " Pugh !" said she, " why do 
you get yourself bruised for what eyery one knows !" 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 91 

Hence Polly Peachum, with her smirking face 
Shone first a Duke's sweet friend, and then her 
Grace. 

" Z ds, ma'am," replied the coachman, " every one 

may know that you are a w , but every one is not 

to say that I serve a w — — !" To the honour of this 
frail sister be it told, she was almost the only patroness 
of the unfortunate Otway. We find, by his lamenta- 
ble dedications to her, that the hereditary nobles, those 
chosen guardians of merit, saw this fine genius sinking 
into the grave from the pressure of poverty, while he 
turned his fainting eyes to the bounty of an actress and 
a prostitute ! The times, it may be said, are changed — 
Alas ! within our own memory, such was the fate of 
unhappy Savage. Deserted by the nobility to whom he 
was allied, abandoned to profligacy and hunger, the rem- 
nant of his miserable life was protracted by a pension 
from Mrs. Abingdon. 

Line 939.] The celebrated Polly was first mistress to 
the late Duke of Bolton, and, after the death of his 
wife, became his duchess. Nor must we here omit an 
anecdote of the late famous critic and divine, Dr. Joseph 
Wharton, as it reflects so much honour on the liberality 
of the Church, in countenancing the poor frailties of the 
age. The Duke's first wife had long been sinking under 
a lingering illness, and every day was fondly expected 
by the lovers to be her last. During this sickening in- 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Hence stale G i, saw her very floor 940 

With Tyrian purple quite bedizened o'er ; 



terval of hope deferred, his Grace and Polly resolved to 
travel ; but as he was anxious to raise his fair compa- 
nion to the honour of his legal bed-fellow, as soon as 
the course of nature should free him from his present 
burden, he thought it proper to be accompanied by a 
chaplain, who should perform the ceremony without 
delay as soon as the departure of the old duchess should 
be announced. For this honourable purpose Dr. Jo- 
seph Wharton was selected, and made no scruple to 
quit a small living and his pastoral duties, for an agree- 
able tour and the hopes of future preferment. Some 
occurrences, however, made him sensible that there 
were some little inconveniencies incident to a clergyman 
following promotion in the train of a chere amie ; and 
therefore, after dancing attendance for some time, and 
despairing that the wished for event would ever arrive, 
he took his leave, and returned to England. But 
scarcely had he set his foot on his parsonage, when the 
unlucky Doctor learnt that the Duchess was dead ! He 
instantly wrote to the Duke, humbly requesting that he 
might be permitted again to wait on him, and tie the 
happy knot. But the impatient lovers had already bor- 
rowed the aid of the chaplain to the English embassy at 
Paris, and poor Wharton had nothing for his pains but 
the recollection of his tour and his honours. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 93 

Saw to her arms a pr ly lover given, 

Whom M y could not bind, nor vows of heaven. 

Hence hoyden J n rears her triple brood, 

And decks the last with gouts of r 1 blood; 945 

Hence to her fetes a princely host repair, 
And Cobbet sounds abroad the bill of fare, 
While saints look blue, and sinners cry, O rare ! 

Line 941.] Tyrian purple is, in plain English, scarlet. 
As it formed the celebrated dress of a certain noted lady 
of Babylon, it is with uncommon propriety applied to 
ornament all females of a similar description. 

Line 044.] The epithet hoyden is applied here in ho- 
nour of the personage in question, since it is from the 
representation of this character that her brightest laurels 
have sprung. I have applauded her in the Romp, and 
admired her in the cobler's wife, but how she acts the 
princess I cannot say, for I have never seen her in that 
character. 

Line 947.] I cannot conceive why Porcupine should 
have been so very indignant at a great personage handing 
the " fair maid with many children" to her seat of ho- 
nour. Does he not think that she is perfectly good 

company for , or , or ? Or, in 

truth, can he allege that she is not every way quite dig- 
nified enough for the station which she holds ? 



9'i EPICS OF THE TON I 

Hence still some peer S — L — r's livery wears, 
Who o'er the pit her large bare bosom rears; 950 
Throws wide to every eye the gates of bliss, 
Till e'en the chimney sweeps begin to hiss. 

Hence stately B n boasts her warlike lord, 

Ev'n one who struts in red, and wears a sword ; 
While hinting paragraphs, with varying carriage, 
Now sink to settlements, now rise to marriage. 956 

Hence lively M n brisk and gay by trade, 

Makes fickle fortune serve a waiting-maid ; 
Strange luck indeed ! so many turns to nick it, 
And win a thousand with each lottery ticket ! 96O 

Line 952.] There is a degree of indecency from 
which even the vulgar revolt, and which the most pro- 
fligate cannot tolerate. It is indeed not less foolish than 
shameful in a woman, if she imagines that, by such 
immodest exposures as are here alluded to, she does not 
rather disgust than allure. It is some consolation to mo- 
desty, that offences against her are resented even in the 
playhouse. I could hear the upper gallery hiss, and the 
very rakes in the side-boxes cry out " 'Tis too bad !" 

Line 96O.] It was rather a strange coincidence of 
lucky hits, that this sprightly damsel should get ten or 
twenty thousand pounds by eighths and quarters of 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 05 

Hence F n, tall by nature, train'd by art 

To swim the motions of a tonish part, 

Now acts in truth the part she feign'd a while, 

And shines the best bred c — nt — s of our isle. 

O boast of fashion, arts half deified, 965 

Claim'd by the great their birthright and their pride ! 
How quickly learnt ! How little chang'd you shew, 
Caught by the mean, and mimick'd by the low ! 
A well-made sharper, in a well-made dress, 
Shines quite as fine a gallant as his Grace ; 970 
New phrases sports, new attitudes devises, 
Strikes with a bow, or with a frock surprises. 
A player's girl, not much by nature gifted, 
By some strange chance to court from green-room 
shifted, 974 

Shines in the groupe, who shone erewhile so high, 
That her's and their's seem'd quite a different sky ; 
Her mien more graceful, and her dress more choice, 
And, harder still ! more known to public voice. 



lottery tickets ; and that the simple humble thing 
should have kept the secret to herself for two years after- 
wards. Such a diing is rarely heard of between Mile- 
End and Grosvmor Place, 



§6 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Thus on the gay parterre, by art-wove bower, 
Each gazer's eyes attracts the favour'd flower; 98O 
A thousand sweets its site conspicuous yields, 
Unknown to lovelier wreathes that deck the fields. 
But from the dunghill see the gard'ner chuse 
A plant of statelier stem, and brighter hues ; 
Fast by the bower the vig'rous scyon stands, 985 
And fresh in leaf, and full in bloom expands : 
No more the passing gazer turns aside 
To those which shone before in matchless pride ; 
Unmark'd their puny stalks, and colours lie, 
The dunghill plant alone attracts the eye ; 99O 

'Twas but the place which made their hues so fine, 
lis. beauties wanted but a place to shine. 



L C- 



Come, knowing Muse, some moving themes im- 
part, 
Some strains more grateful to the female heart ; 
Say how the polish'd belle, the finished dame 995 
May farthest spread, and most sublime her fame ,♦ 
How o'er the crowd the gay gallant may rise, 
And pairs, that pant for glory, touch the skies ! 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 97 

Young, blooming, gay, to fashion formed by rule, 
And quite accomplish'd from a London school, 1000 



Line 1000.] When the education of a London board- 
ing school is brought forward in a public court of justice, 
by a learned counsel, as a sufficient cause for suspecting 
a young lady's moral principles, it is surely time for pa- 
rents to look to it. I do not mean to insinuate that the 
persons who keep such houses are themselves vicious, 
far less that they have any intention (o corrupt the morals 
of their fair pupils. The late discoveries of the Society 
for the Suppression of Vice, concerning the delectations 
presented to one sense, have, indeed, raised a hue and 
cry, and made my neighbours in the country look upon 
these seminaries as little better than preparatory schools 
for the bagnio. But the idea is incorrect ; especially if 
it intimates that the governesses have any intentions to 
lead their pupils astray. They are willing enough to 
keep all things to rights for their own reputation. 
They only know not how it is to be effected. 

Ignorance is, in some circumstances, as bad in its 
consequences as a vicious intention. This is more espe- 
cially the case in regard to the education of the young. 
How often do we see children, from the mistaken views 
of the fondest parents, ruined in their nonage, and ren- 
dered incapable either of knowledge or virtue ? The 
mistresses of boarding schools are certainly anxious that 
their female pupils should make as fine a figure as possi- 
K 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



With fine effect Dorinda play'd her charms, 

The glance that catches, and the smile that warms, 



ble : but as to moral education, mental improvement, 
&c. why if you talked of such a thing the good ladies 
would simper, and ask if you thought the geography- 
master could teach it ? 

To compound drugs requires a long course of instruc- 
tion ; and to make pins a seven years' apprenticeship ', 
but to keep a boarding school is not an occupation that 
is supposed to require any preparation. It is the usual 
shift of every decayed gentlewoman, every ill-provided 
widow, who can scrape together money enough for the 
speculation. No matter for her disqualifications, she is 
well enough for the mistress of a boarding school. That 
the pupils should be improved is desirable enough, for it 
brings reputation.- — But assuredly the mistress of the 
school can attend but very little to this business. She 
must look to the main object, the making of a little 
money. She must put in practice the numerous arts for 
catching pupils ; she must receive and cajole their rela- 
tions ; she must keep a watchful eye after her perquisites. 
But indeed, however well qualified the governess 
might be, she would neglect her own interest sadly, if 
she did not pay all her attention to the showy accom- 
plishments. For what is a young, lady sent to school, 
but to learn a manner, and to make a figure at the 
piano, or in the dance ? And is not the applause be- 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 99 

The sprightly motion, or the languid role, 

With all those nameless things that touch the soul. 

Nor play'd in vain A youth of noble race 1005 

Beheld with kindling soul her early grace, 
To willing ears his rapt'rous passion sigh'd, 
And with a title crown'd his happy bride. 
While youth, around, her gayest pleasures shed, 
Wealth bless'd their lot, and mutual love their bed ; 
Given to their vows the wish'd for offspring came, 
And heap'd new incense on the nuptial flame. 1012 



stowed on the governess exactly in proportion to the 
progress of the pupil in these attainments ? No matter 
what morals she has learnt, or what pictures she has 
seen, if she be only an elegant woman. On passing a 
very elegant mansion, not far from Portland Place, a 
lady who accompanied me observed that it was the most 
fashionable boarding school in town, and that nothing 
could exceed the elegance of the education. : I was 
anxious to know the particulars — " Ah ! Sir," said she, 
" they have not only masters for the usual branches of 
education. They have even masters to hand them in a 
fashionable style from the drawing-room to the dining- 
table, and teach them to step into a carriage with grace !" 



..cTG. K 2 



100 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Full of his bliss, the gen'rous lord confess'd 
The golden treasure which his love possess'd ; 
Wealth, splendor, pleasure, scatter'd at her feet,1015 
And strove each wish, ere scarce conceiv'd, to meet. 
More stately rose his palace, spread his halls, 
The artists' pride adorn'd his spacious walls j 
His park's fair paths more gaily taught to rove, 
The myrtle arbour, and the scented grove; 1020 
To bless her hours bright social joys are stored, 
And frequent guests shine brilliant round her board. 

Blest in a wife, the crown of j6ys to lend, 
His bounteous fortune bless'd him with a friend ; 
A man who knew the world, with wit at will,1025 
Who either sex could charm with varying skill : 
The days of youth together had they pass'd, 
The hours of frolic, hours too sweet to last ! 
Together shared their serious thoughts, or toys, 
Their nameless pains, and dreams of future joys. 
The friend, more gay than rich, was oft beset 1031 
With aking forecast, and the fiends of debt ; 
These frequent ills the generous lord repair'd, 
And nobly free the gifts of fortune shared ; 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 101 

With liberal bosom threw his coffers wide, 1035 
Improv'd his pleasures, and his wants supplied ; 
Well pleas'd th' unequal lot of wealth to mend, 
And by his favours fix. a faithful friend. 
Thus long endear'd, long aided, and carest, 
His roof at length receiv'd the welcome guest; 1040 
Glad he display 'd the sweets that bless'd his life, 
His blooming children, and his beauteous wife ; 
Told his fair partner of his friend's desert, 
And bade her love the man that shared his heart. 
With kindling bosom, and with scheme half 
plan'd, 1045 

Dorinda's charms Lothario deeply scan'd ; 
How great the bliss to win so bright a prize ! 
How vast the glory in the public eyes ! 
How proud the triumph over vulgar ties ! 
Poor were the victory o'er some careless dame, 1050 
Whose bosom scarce e'er warm'd the nuptial flame ; 
Who ne'er a husband's generous kindness felt, 
Nor at the mother's name was taught to melt. 
But here, through bands so strongly form'd to break, 
While love's first blushes yet inform 'd the cheek ; 
K-3 



102 EPICS OF THE TON : 

To burst the ties a husband fondly wove, 1056 

By deeds of kindness, and by words of love ; 
While prattling infants round the mother twined, 
And cast their golden fetters o'er her mind ; 
More brilliant still, the ear of Fame to rend, 1060 
The conqu'ror's self the husband's inmost friend, 
With trust still honour'd, still with favors crown'd, 
Won by his love, and by his bounty bound :—- 
How would th' exploit adorn Lothario's name, 
Above the common hope, the vulgar aim ! 1065 

Sweet were his tones, his features ever mild, 
Still with her cares he sigh'd, her joys he smiled; 
Still met his eye her eye, his thought her thought, 
Still words congenial looks congenial caught. 
Dorinda well had learn'd to move with grace, 1O70 
Display her figure, and adjust her face; 
To guide her snow-white fingers o'er the wire,. 
Outvie the rival, and the gallant fire, 
And force the brightest circle to admire. 
Thus taught to shine, and leave despis'd behind 1075 
Those arts which chasten and exalt the mind ; 
Which arm the heart against the treach'rous elf, 
And teach fair woman to respect herself ; 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 103 

The touch, the look, to meet with proud disdain, 
Which point to ends that Honour counts a stain ; 
With secret joy the glowing dame survey 'd 1081 
The rapid conquest which her beauties made ; 
First heard his sighs, then listen'd as he vow'd, 
His looks return'd, and his embrace allow'd, 
Forgot her honour, yielded up her charms, 1085 
And blest Lothario revel'd in her arms. 

What though a husband, from his dream awoke, 
Pierced to the heart, and madden'd with the stroke, 
Bemoan'd with anguish'd looks, and accents wild, 
His bed dishonour'd, and his race defiled, 10&0 
His friend a traitor, and his love undone, 
And hope no more his lot beneath the sun ! 
What though the infant, climbing by his knees, 
With piteous look its father's anguish sees, 
Strives with its arts his sorrows to compose, 1095 
And calls its mother to relieve his woes ! 
What though the fair, her short-lived vision fled, 
Sees endless horrors crowd around her head, 
A generous husband sinking in despair, 
An offspring left without a mother's care, 1100 



104 EPICS OF THE TON: 

With grief in age her tender parents torn, 
Compell'd to curse the day their child was born ! 
Unpitied she, the scoff of public fame, 
Doom'd through long years to weep her lasting 
shame, 

Her very children shudd'ring at her name ! 1 105 

Such trivial ills must wait on feats so bright, 
No mighty vict'ry e'er proved harmless quite; 
If petty miseries high-soul'd heroes weigh'd, 
No field were fought, no conquest e'er were made. 

Now o'er the crowd sublime, Lothario's name 1 1 10 
Ranks with the foremost in the lists of fame ; 
"Where'er he goes, the greybeard mothers shake, 
And e'en his name makes wedded brows to ake. 
And shall not glory soothe her idle moan ? 
Without such feats the fair had died unknown,1115 
Nor at the assize, nor in the epic shone. 

Line 1113.] I should imagine that the hero here al- 
luded to has nearly attained that climax of fame in the 
annals of gallantry, which the younger Lord Lyttleton 
seems to have reached, when he informs a friend, that 
his successes among the sex had rendered him so formi- 
dable that no modest woman would now be seen in his 
company. 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 



H M- 



Our morning ride, my muse, begins to close, 
And nature calls us to a short repose, 
Ere, still more daring, our bold verse aspire 
To raise a song of flame to men of fire. 1 120 

Yet ere we check the flight, or pull the rein, 
Together let us tune a prouder strain ; 
No longer sportive, but sincerely pay 
To nobler themes a tributary lay. 

Shall Fashion's fleeting offspring claim the song, 
And generous notes their little date prolong, 1 126 
Yet, from the Muse, to her no tribute rise, 
Whose influence gilds our fields, and cheers our 
skies ? 

Blest is the bard, whom Truth shall not disown, - 
While swell his notes to celebrate a throne ; 1130 
Who sings, with honest pride, and heart elate, 
The first in virtue as the first in state; 
His subject chosen by a people's choice, 
His lays the echo of the public voice : 



105 EPICS OF THE TON I 

Who never dreads lest his suspicious style 1 133 

With loud applauses should provoke a smile ; 
With pure approval secret sneers should raise, 
A bitter satire under seeming praise. 

Say, shall the censor read th' historic page, 
And search the secret annals of our age ? 1 140 

No whisp'ring plots, or fraudful arts he'll find 
By thee to mar a people's peace design'd ; 
No private ends pursued by black intrigues, 
Won by pernicious war, or perjur'd leagues ; 
With bold deceits that misbecome thy sex, 1 145 
Thou ne'er wer't known the statesman to perplex ; 
To shake the court, to sheath or draw the sword, 
Confound the council, and disgrace thy lord. 



Line 114S.] Such practices have, fortunately for this 
country, been more common in the council of France 
than the cabinet of Great Britain. Yet even in this 
country, they have occasionally been felt, and perhaps 
no reign, that of King William scarcely excepted, has 
been freer from them than the present. The Stuarts 
were not the only princes who sacrificed the honour of 
their country, and their own safety, to the intrigues of 
their wives and mistresses. How honourable is it for a 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 107 

Once in thy life and then, how blest the zeal 

That led thee to assume the public weal ! — 1 150 
When yearning factions bore allegiance down, 
And near bereft thy husband of a crown ; 
Thou, with a spirit high, and dauntless mien, 
That spoke the wife, and well announc'd the queen, 
Didst justice, honour, public virtue, bring, 1155 
To save the state, and help an injur'd king ; 
To scare those wolves, that, prowling for their prey, 
Long'd for the dark, and strove to drown the day. 

Or let the censor to thy court repair, 
He'll find no rampant vices foster'd there; 1 l6o 

No lewd debauch the nightly vigil keep, 
No Sunday revels make the pious weep. 
No husband's feelings there th' adult'ress shocks, 
And bravely gay his shame and anguish mocks ; 
No knavish courtier falls a willing prey, 1 1 65 

And courting fortune throws his all away, 
To catch the royal favour loses still, 



queen to forego that influence which she might have 
attained, and to sacrifice vanity and passion to the good 
of her country ! 



lOS EPICS OF THE TON J 

In hopes far richer draughts of wealth to swill, 
And from the bleeding nation quaff his fill. 

Or turn thee, censor, view her private life, 11 JO 
Attend the mother, and observe the wife : 
Here duty, honour, temp'rate virtues shed 
Their verdant wreathes around a fruitful bed ; 
A happy husband feels her cares bestow 
Domestic joys which monarchs rarely know ; 1 175 
Maternal cares a blooming offspring own, 
And cottage pleasures spring around the throne. 
Rare virtues even in vale remote from town, 
Mark'd in the low, and honour'd by the clown — 
But oh ! how rarely found to grace a crown ! 1 180 



Line H69.I This was, in former times, an usual ex- 
pedient by which courtiers brought themselves into fa- 
vour, and the kings and queens procured a supply for 
their extravagance. Those who made their way to 
offices in this manner could not be supposed to possess 
any yearnings of a disinterested patriotism, and the pil- 
laged nation repaid, in ample measure, the losses of the 
gaming table. How degrading were such practices to 
royalty ! How deplorable for this country should they 
ever be renewed ! 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 109 

Nor fortune here incurs her wonted blame, 
And leaves to merit but an empty name j 
Tby virtues meet their well-bestow'd reward, 
Heaven sends its blessings, sends its power to guard. 
Free from those ills which oft attend the great, 1 185 
And make them envy ev'n the humblest state, 
Thy happy years in peace have pass'd away, 
And beams still bright adorn thy verging day. 

By brilliant prospects from thy home convey 'd 
To shores where Honour dwells in Freedom's shade, 
To meet thy kindred, meet a husband there, 11 91 
Thou for a welcome didst not find a snare ; 
Nor all unknowing, all unknown, behold 
A train deceitful, and a husband cold ; 
Thy bridal transports, and thy virgin charms, 11 93 
Next morn deserted for a wanton's arms ; 
No friend to guide, no guardian to protect, 
By fears opprest, and wounded by neglect ; 
To a lone mansion, to thy grief consign'd 
With solitude to feed thine aching mind ; 120O 
To dream of former hopes, of courtly scenes, 
The joys of state, and equipage of queens ; 

L 



110 \ EPICS OF THE TON: 

To waste thy days unconscious of delight, 

And bathe in tears thy solitary night ; 

When led by nature's counsel to impart 12.05 

Thy secret sorrows to a parent's heart, 

To find this wretched solace ev'n denied, 

The seal of honour broke, its laws defied ; 

While he who vow'd thy weakness to defend, 
In joy thy partner, and in grief thy friend, 1210 
To other cares, to other pleasures fled, 
Deserting thine to share another's bed, 
Mock'd at thy woes, and scoffing at thy pain, 
Had joy 'd to hear thy heart had burst in twain : — 
From ills like these kind Heav'n has set thee free, 
How sad the doom if such a princess be! 121(1 

Unheeded, save by those who deeply feel 
For private sorrows and the public weal, 
Thou didst not in a lone, obscure retreat, 
Peruse the vaunting records of the fete, 1 220 

Where rank with graces, wealth with beauty strove, 
To fix the gazer, and provoke to love ; 
Where brilliant gems profusely shone in pride, 
Where eyes more brilliant all the gems outvied ; 



THE FEMALE BOOK. ] 1 1 

Where branching lustres pour'd around the hall 
Meridian brightness to illume the ball ; 1226 

Where youthful lords and dames, their country's 

boast, 
Paid homage to the hostess and the host ; 
Where, famed for manners, much by nature graced, 
Thy royal husband far outshone the rest, 1230 

Himself the host, himself the banquet's pride 

But in thy place another did preside ! 

Such pangs from thee did heaven benign avert, 
Nor with such insult poignarded thy heart. 

Left by the father, thou didst not behold, 1235 
In tears, yet pleas'd, thy infant's charms unfold ; 
And, sighing, in the little smiler's face, 
With mournful pride the sire's own features trace ; 
In wonder that this image could not move 
His melting soul to soft returns of love, 1240 

Or joys more grateful to a parent shed, 
Than bolster'd beauties and a barren bed. 
Thou didst not with maternal anguish mourn 
Thine only babe from thine embraces torn j 



1 1 2 EPICS OF TH£ TON : 

Fear lest affection's filial germ should die, 1245 
Snatch'd from thy fost'ring hand, and watchful eye j 
And sadly weep lest thy hard fate should prove 

A daughter's duty like a husband's love. 

Far other scenes in wedlock didst thou find, 

An offspring numerous, and a husband kind. 1250 

Led for a respite to thy frequent tears, 
To chear thy widow 'd, more than widow'd years ; 
By some poor pastimes that might call to mind 
Thine early scenes while fortune yet was kind ; 
By deeds of bounty to the wretch distrest, 1255 
Deeds rarely practised by the great, or blest ; 
By friendship's soothing converse to beguile 
The tedious hours, and teach thy grief to smile ; — 
Thou didst not find a lurking adder dart 
Its secret venom to thy trusting heart j 1260 

The sycophant that now, with fawning look, 
Thy bounty courted, and thy state partook, 
Lured by some selfish end, some damning bribe, 
Become the basest of the lying tribe, 
Pervert thy motives, and thy deeds defame, 1265 
And strive to fix dishonour on thy name; 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 113 

Search in thy pleasures, scanty, humble, rare, 
For deeds to blacken, and for words to snare ; 
Ev'n in the orphan whom thy cares did save 
From pining want, and an untimely grave, 1270 
By dev'lish art, the wish'd occasion feign 
To blast thine honour and thy truth to stain ! — 
O malice hard to bear, and keenly felt, 
Where black ingratitude is join'd to guilt! 
Where many a former pang the bosom knew, 1275 
And piercing slander tears the wound anew ! — 
Such venom'd ills far banish from thy fate, 
A generous husband, and a guardian state. 

Forlorn, deserted, sicken'd, and distress'd, 
By slander harrow'd, by neglect oppress'd, 1280 
Thy fancy led by present ills to roam, 
Where honour'd parents bless'd thine early home — 
Thou didst not sink to hear the tale of woe, 
A father slaughter'd by a barb'rous foe; 
While bravely struggling with o'erwhelming fate, 

And nobly falling to support a state ; 1286 

Yet ere the final stroke of death was given, 

Yet ere his soul had wing'd her flight to Heaven, 



114 EPICS OF THE TON: 

Left for a while to learn his country's fall, 

His people spoil'd, his children reft of all ; 12Q0 

To think of her, once seeming blest and great, 

The promis'd sovereign of the noblest state, 

Now in a foreign land forsaken quite, 

With no protector to assert her right — 

Then finding nought on earth to sooth his woes, 

A hero's struggles like a martyr's close ! 1296 

His very bones denied their native soil, 

His very ashes sentenced to exile ! 

Thou didst not hear how deep this killing dart 
Had torn thine anguish'd mother's bleeding heart* 
While all distracted o'er the bier she wept, 1301 
And guardian reason scarce his station kept ; 
Thy hapless kindred scatter'd far from home, 
A stranger's land with grief-worn steps to roam. 

Thou didst not o'er such sorrows weep alone 1305 
Sigh to the winds, and to the midnight moan ; 
Amidst a people famed for generous deeds, 
For softer natures, and for purer creeds, 
Not see one comforter thy gates attend, 
One noble own himself in grief thy friend, 1310 



THE FEMALE BOOK. 115 

One prouder soul the frowns of vice despise, 
And o'er unfeeling meanness greatly rise ! 

Far from such ills and ever be they far ! 

A fate how different rules thy happy star ! 

From friends perfidious, and the foes alarms, 1315 

Thy Britons shield thee with their guardian arms ; 

With ready vengeance marshal round thy throne, 

And hold thy safety dearer than their own. 

Should any grief upon thy peace intrude, 

For griefs will find the prosp'rous, vex the good, 

Thy rising care shall early solace chear, 1321 

A people join, a husband wipe thy tear ! 



THE 

EPICS OF THE TON, 

BOOK THE SECOND. 

BEING 

THE MALE BOOK. 



THE 

EPICS OF THE TON: 

THE MALE BOOK. 



V^o.me, listen to my strain, for I am he 

Who sung erewhile of female A and B ; 

Come, for you know me not, though I have strung 

My lyre to themes in prose or verse unsung ; 

To woman's glory blown the trump of fame, 5 

Tales yet untold, and deeds without a name ; 

Now louder blasts aloft triumphant rise, 

And waft the mighty male ones to the skies, 

Who still at White's, or at St. Stephen's late, 

Now shake the dice-box, now hold fast the state; 



Line 6\] " A deed without a name." 

Shakspeare. 

Line 8.] ff Terrarum dominos evehit ad deos." 

Horace. 



120 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Swear at Newmarket, swagger at reviews, 1 1 

And now recruit the forces, now the stews j 

In side-box glitter, gild a birth-day train, 

Eat, drink, and die Come, listen to my strain ! 



D of P . 

Who's in? who's out ? a question hard as vain, 
Before we speak, the outs are in again : 16 

Line 14.] Were it not that great geniuses, of a si- 
milar mould, are apt to hit upon the same thoughts and 
expressions, we should suspect that this commencement 
were little else than an imitation of the inimitable exor- 
dium of Madoc, which so strikingly displays the feel- 
ings of conscious genius : 

" Come, listen to a tale of times of old ! 

<e Come, for ye know me ! I am he who sung 

" Of Thalaba the wild and wond'rous song. 

" Come, listen to my lay, and ye shall hear 

" How Madoc from the shores of Britain spread 

" The adventurous sail, explored the ocean ways, 

" And quell'd barbarian" power, and overthrew 

f The bloody altars of idolatry, 

" And planted in its fanes triumphantly 

« The cross of Christ. Come, listen to my lay 5" 



THE MALE BOOK. 121 

We see our error ; — while we turn about 
To mend the phrase, — good lack ! the ins are out: 
Thus all by turns enjoy the sweets and sorrow, 
They're hereto day, and they are gone to morrow. 20 

Blest be my bounteous fortune that in grace 
No statesman made me, gave me not a place : 
In Downing- street, sad wailings heard by night 
May sound the dirges of the parting sprite ; 
The badge, sweet fleeting relic ! may the eye 25 
Oft view 'mid saltest tears, and groan-like sigh; 
With humble will the placeman may resign, 
Mild as the felon in the fatal twine 5—— 
Snug in my Cot, the Courier I peruse, 
My coffee quaff, and chuckle o'er the news ; 30 
Or, quaintly moral o'er the doleful fun, 
Observe that nought is fix'd beneath the sun. 

The wise and good shall ever, in my eyes, 
Or out or in, be held the good and wise ; 
And perch 'd in office, or a patriot brave, 35 

A fool's a fool, and every knave's a knave. 
Does selfish Helluo boast his wealthy charge, 
And rest secure on bottom broad and large ? 

M 



122 EPICS OF THE TON I 

Or does dame Fortune slily kick the stool, 
Upset the breech, and Helluo, proved a fool, 40 
Bawl for those rights on which he just had trod, 
While mole-ey' drabbles shout their molten God? — 
Full o'er his back my honest lash shall swing, 
Full in his ears my epic notes shall ring. 44 

Descends the state-coach from hard rock to bog \ 
Is Premier Hydra changed for Premier Log ? 
Well pleas'd but careless I'll behold the pother, 
Elude the one, and leap upon the other. 

Line 38.] A broad-bottom'd administration seems, 
from repeated experience, to denote exactly the same as 
an administration without any bottom at all ; in the same 
manner as a wide conscience, and no conscience is just the 
same thing. In short, the stool of state appears to be a 
very narrow, tottering seat, and the broad-bottom, pro- 
truding beyond its verge on every side, if not well-ba- 
lanced, is in terrible danger of upsetting. It is rather 
an awkward circumstance for an administration to be 
characterized as the broad-bottomed. It seems to indi- 
cate that their chief virtue consists in taking a very 
solid position in their places ; if not that their talents 
bear some fundamental analogy to the appellation. 
"When shall we have the long-headed administration ? 

Line 48.] All my little readers, and some of my 
great ones, will remember the fable in Esop. 



THE MALE BOOK. 123 

Does G rear his officed head on high. 

And seem to shake the spheres, and touch the sky ? 
With equal compass shall I mete the wight, 5 1 
And clip some twenty cubits from his height. 

Does drowsy P o'er the treasure dream, 

And deeply ponder, or to ponder seem ? 
Of the state- wain appear the reins to guide, 55 

While ten smart lacquies lash on either side ? — 
I'll leave the head-piece to his sweet repose, 
And ply my Epics, while he plies his doze. 

Though H y smooth me, R — — e with ledgers 

cram, 
Though C— ~ g scratch me with an epigram ; 60 
Still on my muse I'll call with courtly ease, 

And tune my lyre to figures such as these 

With votive tablets thus, in times of yore. 
The branchless trunk was seen bedizen'd o'er ; 
(The gifts were hung by seamen's grateful hand, 65 
Who, least expecting, touch'd the wish'd for land ;) 

Line 65.] It was the custom among the ancients, 
when caught in a storm at sea, to deprecate the wrath 
of Neptune, and intreat his assistance to reach the shore 



124 EPICS OF THE TON l 

The goodly sight the trav'Ier stopt to see, 
And all, 'twas said, to view the votive tree ; 
But while each tablet caught the wond'ring eye, 
With golden lines, and arms emblazon'd high, 70 
Who e'er regarded the suspending stock, 
An useful support, but a shapeless block ? 

Thus Britain's colours on the standard float, 
Thus may- day wreathes around the pole are wrought ; 
There glory shines, here mirth in gayest mood, 75 
While all they hold by is a piece of wood. 

Where hair-skill'd swains their oily fingers twirl, 
The scissars flourish, and invade the curl, 

in safety. If the prayer was granted, they shewed their 
gratitude by hanging, upon the branches of some con- 
secrated tree near the shore, a piece of armour, or some 
more splendid trophy, with a tablet containing a suitable 
inscription. Those who are caught in a political storm, 
(i. e. the minority,) pay abundance of vows " to every 
watery god some speedy aid to lend :" but having once 
touched the wished-for harbour, who ever hears of their 
grateful remembrances ? One is conveyed ashore in the 
life-boat of the people, another on the rafts of the 
church ; and they recal these obligations just when they 
are caught in another storm, and have fresh occasion for 
assistance. 



THE MALE BOOK. 125 

Thus powder'd peruques, placed in rows so dight, 
Attract the gazer, and the poll invite, 80 

And hide the block that holds them to the light. 

Thus though the staffof state where towers the head, 
Be made of timber and congenial lead, 
Wreathes, colours, tablets, wigs, around it hung,84 
Themselves though naught, while round a work- 
shop flung, 
Fixt on a prop, aloft in air may shew, 
Amaze the great ones, and astound the low ; 

Line 82.] In this country, we have had several pre- 
miers of this description, who have been found to serve 
the purpose exceedingly well. "Who was at one time 
more popular than the Duke of Newcastle ? The people 
who stood at a distance, and were unable to distinguish 
the lofty colour-staff from the jack and pendant that 
floated around it, thought the thing truly magnificent. 
It was a good joke to the efficients^ who under the mighty 
shade securely stuffed themselves with the loaves and 
fishes. The Marquis of Rockingham was almost too 
good for a mere colour-staff, as his successor is almost 

too . The proportion between the qualities of the 

head and the limbs is, however, pretty well preserved. 

F— — W as to R pretty nearly as C , or P -, 

or H , or M ■ » , is to P 



126 EPICS OP THE TON : 

Seem something brilliant, swell with conscious pride^ 
And on the car of state triumphant ride. 

L-_ H P . 

When mighty foes, now mightier than before,9Q 
Turn all their wrath on our deserted shore ; 
When many a king dethroned, and plunder'd state 
Would seem to warn us of approaching fate ; 
Whom should we seek to snatch the wav'ring helm, 
And through the shoals conduct the plunging realm ? 
The man who oft, mid tempests loud and dark, 96 
Has seen the breakers clash around the bark ; 
Who proudly resolute, and sternly brave, 
Seems to require no second hand to save ; 
Plans for himself, and what he plans performs, 100 
As deaf to prayers as to the raging storms ; 
Who stout in words, nor less in count'nance bold, 
Confirms the timid, animates the cold ; 
And seems prepared, when all at length is lost, 
Still to stand up, and perish on his post : 105 

Such is the man for this dark season fit, 
Such once we had, for such a man was Pitt, 



THE MALE BOOK. 127 

Peace to his shade ! Be all his faults forgot J 
Complete perfection is no human lot. 
He was a statesman from his cradle bred, 1 10 

And high and lofty tower'd his youthful head ; 
His idol glory, matchless power his pride, 
All meaner ends were thrown with scorn aside ; 
While wealth and honours on his nod await, 
He lived a commoner, and died in debt ; — 1 1 5 
A debt his grateful country pays in tears, 
And counts it little of her vast arrears. 

Line 117.] The poet has spoken the language of 
panegyric : Be it the task of the critic to speak impar- 
tial truth. The historian, who gives his name to the 
public, labours under insuperable disadvantages in deli- 
neating the character of cotemporary statesmen. If 
connected with their partizans, he must maintain his 
consistency by resolutely praising them throughout : If 
associated with their opponents, he must find nothing 
but defects, even in their greatest virtues. In short, 
the biographer, thus circumstanced, must always look 
through one end of a telescope ; and see the virtues or 
vices of his subject either swoln to a mountain, or 
dwindled to a mole-hill. I am under no such restraint. 
I can shew both the good and the bad in their proper 
dimensions, without any risk of losing my place or pen- 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



When Europe sunk, and Britain stood aghast, 
And Freedom trembled at the sweeping blast ; 



sion. In sooth, I long to hear my friend A on the 

one side, and my friend B on the other, rail at the 

impertinent scribbler who has written to indulge his own 
humour ; while they know not that the man stands be- 
fore them. Receive, therefore, the true Mr. Pitt at my 
hands j and let me indulge the fond hope that posterity, 
disgusted with the sturdy declamations of Belsham, the 
ill-assorted newspapers of Bisset, the lick-dust enco- 
miums of Adolphus, or Gifford, and Mc Arthur's pro- 
mised waggon-load of gazettes soaked in train-oil — may 
seek for fair truth in the annotations of an Epic ! 

Mr. Pitt derived every advantage from his birth and 
education. He was son to the most celebrated states- 
man of the times. He was the darling of his father ; 
and designed to support, not the name and honours, but 
the fame and power of his family. Tutored by the 
penetrating observations of the once-great Commoner, he 
was an adept in politics, even in his nonage, and an ac- 
complished statesman before the laws regarded him as a 
man. 

He came into political life with every advantage. The 
people adored the representative of the great patriot 
who had breadied his last in the cause of freedom : and 
they fondly invested him with all the talents and virtues 
■which they had long associated with the name of Pitt. 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Thou ne'er wcrt known, with dangling, petty grace, 
At Lady Bab's to shew thy simp'ring face ; 3 2! 



Even the court beheld him with comparative favour, and 
were willing to escape from the dreaded yoke of the 
aristocracy, by the efforts of the people and the son of 
Chatham. The coalition of the aristocracy with the 
ousted tools of the court, whom they had hitherto 
branded as the basest of reptiles, overwhelmed all his 
adversaries with infamy : and when the dissolution of 
parliament had manifested the national sentiments, he 
set forward in his political career, with the brilliant as- 
surance that the court and the people were equally his 
friends. 

An unpopular war was just concluded. Men return- 
ed with eagerness to the pursuits of peace. Agricul- 
ture, manufactures, and commerce, began to flourish 
anew, and to shoot forth blossoms more gay and fruitful 
than they had hitherto borne. The taxes became more 
productive, yet were less felt : and while the necessities 
of the government were relieved, the people were visibly 
enriched. When men compared this happy state of 
things with the grievances and discontents from which 
they had just escaped, they naturally referred their new 
blessings to the presiding spirit who now stood at the 
helm of government. And while they estimated his 
talents by their own prosperity, and compared his years 
with his abilities, they concluded that so much wisdom 



EPICS OF THE TON: 



At routs to flutter, or at hops to trip, 
A bow to study, criticize a dip, 



and conduct could be found in one so young, only by a 
miracle, and that Providence in mercy had now vouch- 
safed them a heaven-born minister. 

As his career proceeded, his good fortune kept pace 
with it. The flourishing state of the finances, arising 
from the rapid increase of national prosperity, enabled 
him, under better auspices, to resume the plans of Wal- 
pole 5 and to hold forth to the nation a prospect of re- 
lief from that accumulation of debt, which was re- 
garded with the most fearful apprehensions. The plan 
of the sinking fund was neither new nor complicated -, 
but it had a splendid and most gracious appearance ; and 
he had the virtue to excel his predecessors in abstaining 
from the fund thus appropriated, even under his greatest 
difficulties. 

The war of the French Revolution presented him 
with a new scene, but with circumstances not less fortu- 
nate. On the one hand, by persevering in the course 
which he had hitherto pursued, he had before him the 
reputation of preferring the real felicity of a nation to 
the glittering temptations of ambition ; of guiding the 
vessel of the state with skill, through shoals and quick- 
sands, in which others were perishing ; of rendering his 
country rich, powerful, and happy, while neighbouring 
kingdoms were ravaged by intestine convulsions, and 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Consult with Hoby on the newest boot, 
And hear Floriche upon a birth-day suit ; 



ruined by external wars. On the other hand, the ca- 
reer of ambition was thrown wide before him : the 
glory of subduing enemies, of ruling allies, of calling 
forth the valour of his countrymen, and shining, in the 
eyes of posterity, with the accompanying lustre of con- 
quests and victories. He chose the latter, and the 
feelings of the nation went along with him. 

The atrocities of the French Revolution, and the ex- 
cesses of some infatuated persons in our own country, 
who were fitter subjects for Bedlam than for Newgate, 
threw the people into a general panic. The great trem- 
bled for their honours ; the wealthy for their riches j the 
numerous dependents of the court for their places and 
pensions. Every one seemed to feel the dagger of an 
assassin in his back, and the hand of a robber in his 
pocket. Every one felt himself called upon, with his 
life and fortune, to assist the minister who had the cou- 
rage to encounter these terrible calamities. He might 
equip the most expensive armaments ; he might under- 
take the most fruitless expeditions ; he might chastise, 
with a rod sharper than the law, the insolent murmurs 
of discontent ; he might accumulate tax upon tax, and 
loan upon loan. He was met with full support, and 
encouraged by acclamations. When a due lapse of time 
had dispelled the panic, and men, venturing to look 



EPICS OF THE TON I 



Thy trappings more than taxes to debate, 
And more thy motions study than the state ; 



around, found no dagger at their back but the dagger of 
new penal statutes, no hand in their pockets but the 
hand of the tax-gatherer, they were amazed at their 
own security. They thanked heaven for their miracu- 
lous escape ; and prostrated themselves before the sa- 
viour of his country ! 

Such were the favourable gales which swelled the 
sails of Pitt, throughout his long course. But we must 
not undervalue the talents which could take advantage of 
them. He knew the people of England : he could ap- 
ply suitable arguments to their heads, and proper stimu- 
lants to their prejudices and passions. He could make 
them regard a disaster as a fortunate escape ; and a 
galling tax as a blessed expedient. No statesman ever 
took a firmer hold on the minds of the people ; and at the 
moment this is written two thirds of the nation still re- 
vere him as the greatest minister England ever possessed. 

His oratory was the grand pillar of his reputation. 
His deep-toned voice j his warm and forcible utterance ; 
his slow, distinct, measured enunciation ; his elevated 
and ornamented style ; his long, involved, and seem- 
ingly premeditated sentences — impressed the hearers 
with an opinion of his profoundness and dignity. Every 
period was delivered with pomp; every sentiment 
breathed an air of importance. His declamation waa . 



THE MALE BOOK. 133 

Or still at H — 11 — d House to smirk and dine, 
And charm my lady by your looks so fine ; 

always suited to the feelings of his audience ; and was 
always received with bursts of applause. Their atten- 
tion was still more forcibly attracted by the pointed sar- 
casms in which he delighted. His irony was keen, di- 
rect, and cruelly persevering. He never left his victim, 
however contemptible, till he had broken every limb on 
the wheel *. 

The impreshion produced by the striking qualities of 
his oratory, made its defects pass unperceived. Thd 
tritest idea acquired importance from the pomp with 
which it was enounced .■ and the distance of the com- 
mencement of the period from the conclusion, caused 
their want of correspondence to escape unobserved. 
Amidst the miserable and abortive attempts at harangu- 
ing, which usually disgrace the House of Commons; half- 
•sentences, stammerings, sir-ings, provincialisms, tasteless 
repetitions, muttering whispers, occasionally interspersed 

5 This disposition was remarkably exemplified in the 
terrible blows which he inflicted on poor Sir John Sin- 
clair, amost inoffensive agriculturist, who isnomore capa- 
ble of injuring a great minister than is one of his sheep. 
The baronet, in evil hour, would needs bs a politician 
and an opposition orator ; an ambition which he dearly 
atoned by the loss of his great glory, the presidentship 
of the board of agriculture, and by such chastisement 
in the House of Commons as exceeded the utmost 
wrath of an infuriated pedagogue. 
N 



134 EPICS OF THE TON J 

Accept her box to snuff the country air, 130 

And waste your many hours of leisure there ; 



with ear-rending ebullitions ; — the oratory of Pitt shone 
like a comet, amidst the twinkling stars. 

As a minister of finance, his dexterity was unrivalled. 
He had a peculiar penetration in discovering where 
taxes might be imposed, and a still greater skill in ren- 
dering the most obnoxious acceptable. His reputation 
in this department was greatly increased by his dexterity 
in arithmetical calculations, and the rapidity with which 
he caught up and appropriated the ideas of those with 
whom he conversed. The practised accountant was 
amazed to see himself surpassed in those operations 
which had formed the business of his life : and the mer- 
chant, the manufacturer, and the mechanic,, who con- 
versed with him, reported with admiration that he un- 
derstood their respective callings better than themselves. 
By these arts he led the monied world. 

In his principles with regard to commerce he was the 
avowed follower of Adam Smith : but he durst not, 
amidst the difficulties in which war involved him, enter 
into an open contest with the prejudices of the commer- 
cial system ; and he could only venture to weaken a few 
links in the chain of the navigation laws. There are also 
instances in which his ideas fell short of his master. 

As a war minister, his lustre shone far less bright. 
The naval achievements, indeed, were such as we might 



THE MALE BOOK. 135 

Politely pliant or to dine or dance, 

And but in council give a thought to France : 

expect from the superior maritime commerce and skill 
of Great Britain. But all the enterprizes by land were 
ill-conceived, and, with one exception, worse executed. 
The commanders were ill-selected ; the troops ill-ap- 
pointed ; the points of attack chosen without judgment 3 
and secrecy never preserved even when most essential. 
He meditated great enterprizes ; but his means were 
never equal to his ends. Defeat and disgrace were the 
portion of his armies ; and his expeditions became the 
ridicule of Europe. The gigantic successes of Buona- 
parte produced the most uneasy sensations in his mind ; 
and his most intimate friends assure us, that he actually 
felt those apprehensions of invasion which he attempted 
to infuse into his countrymen. 

There was a sternness and obstinacy in his character, 
which often subdued opposition, but always excited ene- 
mies. It exasperated while it overawed the court ; and 
it converted his political contests into private animosi- 
ties. To those at a distance, it bore the appearance of 
firmness ; but several transactions dictated by this spirit 
drew on his character the reproach of boyish obstinacy 
and pitiful revenge.* While his firmness bound to him 

* Such were his conduct to the unfortunate hawkers j 
and his expulsion of his old antagonist Home Tooke, 
under the unjustifiable and ridiculous pretext that a man 

N 2 



136 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Or, in the senate, quite as brilliant grown, 
And quite as pliant, swell, in gentle tone, 



bis partizans, his harshness often disgusted them ; and it 
was observed that no man had more political or fewer 
private friends. 

Yet he could become submissive and pliant, when 
the interests of his ambition, his ruling passion, were 
at stake. He could be gracious and affable when he 
had any particular end in view. His original principles 
dropt from him as he entered the threshold of the court j 
and all men smiled at his attempt to preserve an ap- 
pearance of consistency, by leaving to his dependents 
the task of overthrowing some popular questions, while 
he himself remained in the minority. He carried 
through his favourite measure, the Union with Ireland, 
by promising emancipation to the Catholics ; and when 
the court refused to make good his word, he could not 
but resign. But the want of power was intolerable ; 
and he quickly gave up his pledge to recover his station. 

This last step caused his sun, long so brilliant, to set 
amidst impenetrable gloom. Untaught by his father's 
sorrows, he quarrelled with his most respectable friends, 
and threw himself defenceless into the arms of the 
court. Bereft of his independence, forsaken by the 

once in orders can never become a member of the House 
of Commons. Why do the still more sacred bishops sit 
in the other House of Parliament ? 



THE MALE BOOK. 137 

The smooth round speech, whose lubricating phrase 
Aims at some pretty thought a thousand ways ; — 



confidence of the nation, unsupported by the miserable 
dependents with whom he had surrounded himself, and 
unfortunate in all his dearest enterprises, the agitations 
of his proud spirit overpowered the feebleness of an ex- 
hausted body 3 and he fell, at an early age, amidst the 
pangs of disappointed ambition. 

His figure was tall, his bones large, his habit spare. 
His features were prominent and coarse ; and his mouth, 
which was always open as he walked, expressed to those 
who met without knowing him, any thing rather than 
the qualities of a great minister or a wise man. His 
gestures were ungraceful. Even when he harangued, he 
chiefly moved his head and his right arm, which he 
brandished with great violence, but in the same uniform 
directions. 

His private life was little remarkable, yet had consi- 
derable effect on his political reputation. Of a cool 
temperament, he felt little inclination towards the fe- 
male sex, and was considered wholly free from the vice 
of incontinence : a circumstance which procured him a 
high character for unspotted morality, and rendered him 
the idol of grave and religious persons throughout the 
nation. In his latter years this impression was some- 
what diminished by the discovery that he was intem- 
perately addicted to the pleasures of the bottle. But 
N 3 



EPICS OP THE TON ! 



(Soft its meander, save where Vandal force 
Of crabbed figures cross its limpid course ; 



men were willing to transfer the blame of this defect to 
the bad example of an intimate political friend. He in^- 
trusted the whole management of his private fortune to 
his servants ; and their careless profusion always left 
him entangled in necessities. After his resignation, he 
expressed to some of his confidential friends his resolu- 
tion of returning to his original profession, the bar, and 
of endeavouring to retrieve his ruined fortune. Had he 
executed this intention, instead of again accepting his 
political station on degrading terms, he would have been 
recorded to posterity as an unrivalled model of magnani- 
mity, and would have re-aseended his former elevation 
with redoubled splendour. 

At college he excelled in mathematics ; and delighted, 
through life, to employ his leisure intervals in the peru- 
sal of the Latin Classics, but his early and incessant ap- 
plication to business prevented him from acquiring a 
profound knowledge of any branch of learning. His 
public declamations in favour of religion were ardent ; 
but his private convictions were never sound, and his 
expiring moments were not those of confidence. 

The talents of Pitt were great; and his station among 
statesmen eminent ; but the comparison of his abilities 
with those of his successors has erected the loftiest mo- 
nument to his fame. 



THE MALE HOOK. 139 

Those imps which make the senses reel, and, zounds ! 
Mistake a cypher for a thousand pounds ; 141 

Line 131.] Last year this pretty little villa served 
for recreation amidst the terrible fatigues of office. This 
year it may do for the enjoyment of philosophic ease., 
after this hopeful sprig of science and politics has re- 
signed his unwelcome cares. 

Line 141.] The troublesome things, figures, are 
greatly below the notice of a fine gentleman or a philo- 
sopher j but to attain some knowledge of them is rather 
a necessary evil to a Chancellor of the Exchequer. It 
somewhat hurts one's feelings to see a minister stand up 
in his place, and after a very pretty exordium to the 
budget, take up a bundle of papers from the table, gaze 
at the incomprehensible calculations before him, stammer 
out a few confused numbers, and then, wirh a rueful 
face, look over his shoulder to V — ns — rt for assistance. 
How often have I grieved to see unhappy A— d+ftg — n in 
this lamentable predicament ! How did my heart yearn 
for explanation, while a young and noble statesman in 
vain tortured his brains to decypher the mighty plan of 
finance which he had so "very very prettily announced ! 
But it has been said that this knowledge of figures is a 
vulgar acquirement ; a thing within the reach of every 
clerk. Be it so — it is the more disgraceful for our orato- 
rical politicians to be devoid of it. Nothing is more 
disgusting than to hear a man stammering through a 



140 EPICS OF THE TON : 

While pitying friends excuse thy stammering jaw, 
By humbly pleading thou wer't but cat's-paw : — ) 
Or shrinking hear the loud denouncer's call, 
Another Felix 'fore another Paul; 145 

Quit thy crude measure without shame or sorrow, 
To day propose it, and retract to-morrow ; 
Content, though crowds should sneer, and Cobbett 

teaze, 
To hold thy station, and be quite at ease. 
• Such wer't not thou. By great ambition led, 150 
To rule in Britain, and on France to tread ; 
No silly joys, the fluttering crowd that fire, 
Possess'd thy heart, or waken'd thy desire ; 
One play seem'd quite enough in fourteen years, 
And women's smiles were pass'd like actor's tears. 

Jong detail of numbers, which he cannot even read, far 
less connect, or make intelligible to any human under- 
standing. There was nothing which brought Mr. Pitt 
more credit, or in which he more decidedly excelled all 
his cotemporaries, than the perspicuity and fluency with 
which he detailed the most complicated calculations. 
There are few men, indeed, in parliament who can now 
be heard with patience on any financial topic. 

Line 154.] When Mr. Pitt went to the political play 



THE MALE BOOK. 141 

Still, full of Britain's fame and Europe's fate, 156 
Days spent in business, nights in strong debate, 
By thee no sports were sought, no tasteful hours, 
Till nature mourn'd o'er thine exhausted powers ; 
Saw thy griev'd spirit part with many a groan, 160 
More pierced by Europe's ills than by thine own. 
In days of yore, when statesmen slowly grew, 
And circling seasons brought them forth to view ; 
They studied men, the nation's temper felt, 
And deeply search'd where public interest dwelt. 
Now politicians spring like hot-bed fruits, 166 

We place the dunghill and the mushroom shoots ; 
Soak'd for a while in Cam, or Isis' stream, 
Where sport the fishes while the draught?men dream: 
Or warm'd with keener rays of northern light, 1 70 
Where youths, like pretty dancers, flash and fight; 
Where wrangling wits dispute of Nature's laws, 
And find, ye gods ! effects without a cause : 

of Pizarro, it was stated to have been the first time, for 
fourteen years, that he had visited the theatre. 

. Line 1?0.] This is the usual denomination and ap- 
■ pearance of the rays of the Aurora Borealis. 



142 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Prop'd by young friends who take the hint for shouts., 
Admire his talk, and cheer him when he spouts ; 
Gaze on his dress and eulogize his toes, 176 

And snatch the crumbs which, pleased, around he 

throws ; 
See the young statesman o'er the treasure tower, 
And, like his fellow-insects, shine his hour. 



But cease, my muse, forbear another blow, 180 
O spare thevanquish'd, north'o'erthrown o'erthrow! 



Line 173-] Most of my readers are acquainted with 
the famous controversy about effect and cause, which 
lately set the clergy and the philosophers of Scotland 
by the ears. Had the new scheme of finance been the 
invention of its propounder in the House of Commons, 
we might have supposed it to have been a germ of this 
northern school ; for there we found a very great effect 
— no less than the payment of the national debt and the 
abolition of taxes — about to be accomplished without 
any discernible cause. 

Line 179-] Butterflies and others, which have splen- 
did wings and short lives. 



THE MALE BOOK. 143 

Let Cobbett still employ Pancratian law, 
And thrash the ashes of the man of straw ; 
Like Falstaff give the slain another wound, 
And dash full pails upon the mouse that's drown'd: 
As Spartan famed, I stoutly keep the field, 1S6 

But scorn, beyond, to chace the rout that yield ; 
Or, lion-like, bestride them in disgrace, 
And pour my full compassion in their face. 



Line 1S2.] The Pancratia was a method of fighting 
much in use among the ancients, and, indeed, is still 
practised among all nations, the English only excepted. 
The generous method of deciding quarrels by boxing, 
where no one is attacked at a disadvantage, and where 
the vanquished are always spared, is peculiar to our 
countrymen, and affords one of the most distinguished 
proofs of their superior civilization. In the pancratia, 
the antagonists did not fight with fists at a distance, but 
engaged at once with hands,, feet, teeth, and nails — 
manibus el pedibus, unguibus et rostro. When the van- 
quished was thrown down, he was still allowed no 
quarter : the conqueror knelt upon him, pelted him, 
tore him till he was quite disabled from renewing the 
contest. Do not our declaiming politicians seem to 
deal rather in the pancratia than boxing ? Cobbett only 
lays on more sturdily and effectually than the rest. 



\41 EPICS OF THE TO& : 

When unfledg d statesmen drop in middle height , 1 90 
And souse, confounded, from their vent'rous flight, 
Kindly I'll lift from earth the callow brood, 
And give them worms and flies their proper food. 

But say, what forms in Banquo's seat arise ? 
What new-hatch 'd spectre strikes my wincing eyes ? 
No light of heaven, or flame of hell it bears, 196 
All dark as Chaos past the solar spheres. 

Such have I seen, where tedious robesmen drawl 
Theirill-toned wranglings to the echoing hall ; 
Where wits are strain'd to implicate the cause, 200 
And old traditions patch the rents of laws. 

Such have I seen, from Hall to House translated, 
Prompt, as to brief, whate'er the point debated ; 
Long, forward, pert, strive hard for mere thread- 
ends, 
Distract his foes, and weary out his friends. 205 

The full-bred cobler many a year has pass'd 
Apprentice, journeyman, and master last ; 
Long o'er his- warp and woof the weaver pored, 
Long has the tailor squatted on his board, 
Ere by keen hussefs, or gallants of note, 210 

They're sought to weave the web, or shape the coat. 



THE MALE BOOK. 145 

But, blest the star that watches o'er the great, 

No craft's required for ministers of state ! 

The man who brings ten votes well train'd and tame, 

Who dare not take in vain their maker's name; 215 

Or he whose admiration bursts all bounds, 

And still the virtues of the court resounds ; 

Or he who taught at spouting club, or bar, 

To marshal breath, and wage the wordy war, 

Speaks against time, 'gainst reason, law, and sense, 

And looks above for well-earn'd recompence ; 

Proudly may rise, for any station fit, 2-22 

Which Fox aspired to, or was held by Pitt. 



Line 223.] It seems rather singular that the business 
of a statesman, the most difficult and complicated of 
any, should alone be thought to require no reparation 
whatever. We have long apprenticeships for the mean- 
est mechanical trades, and we have colleges for instruc- 
tion in the more liberal professions. The divine, the 
physician, the lawyer, are appointed to go through a 
certain course of education, and to undergo some trials 
before they are accounted qualified for the exercise of 
their callings ; but every one, whatever may have been 
his previous studies and pursuits, is held competent for 
the office of a minister, if he can attain it. Such is the 
O 



146 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Domestic interests, all the abyss of trade, 
He knows profoundly, when their umpire made : 

cause of those miserable counsels which prevail in a na- 
tion otherwise enlightened. We see vast discoveries 
and improvements made in other arts and sciences ; but 
if a statesman does not absolutely precipitate the nation 
into some terrible calamity, and if he at times throws 
a sop to the mob by some trifling change, we admire 
him as a person of great excellence, and exceedingly 
qualified for the government of nations. Nay, accord- 
ing to our institutions, a man is born a statesman, and 
fed a statesman} and the capvt mortuum is thought abun- 
dantly well prepared for the assigned occupation, though 
no vivifying ray of knowledge has ever pierced it. 
While we see an illiterate noble, an addle-headed squire, 
a loquacious lawyer, an obsequious dependant of the 
court, daily occupying stations, and transacting affairs, 
to which vigour regulated by prudence, and knowledge 
improved by experience, are alone equal, we are asto- 
nished to see fatality, as we call it, confound our coun- 
sels, when every thing goes on in its old way. As for the 
true cause of the evil, we never dream of it 5 but justly 
look upon it as a judgment of Heaven upon our sins and 
follies. Were that ancient maxim of wisdom — Ne 
sutor ultra crepidam — carefully kept in view, I may 
fairly compute that not ten of our ministers, during the 
last century, would have crossed the threshold of the 
cabinet. 



IHIi MALE BOOK. 14T 

Our best allies, their views, their strength, and 
love, 226 

The way to fix them, or to action move ; 
To meet the Italian's wiles with equal art, 
And in the council conquer Buonaparte ;—— 
All these he knows, at once in all complete, 230 
Soon as he treads the dust of Downing Street. 

Give him the War He'll plan vast expeditions, 

And bravely buy tremendous coalitions : 
Grant him the Treasury — though he ne'er before 
Devis'd a tax, or counted past a score, 236 

To Pitt or Walpole he might now prescribe, 
And e'en his merits need another bribe. 

Line 236.] Nothing can more completely demon- 
strate that the capacity of a minister for his office is 
wholly overlooked in his appointment, than the manner 
in which the offices are distributed among the members 
of the party that gets in. Every different department 
in the government relates to very different objects, and 
requires very different talents : the Home department, 
the Foreign, the War, the Colonial, the Treasury, the 
Admiralty, each presents a routine, and demands a ma- 
nagement wholly distinct. But when a party rushes in, 
these considerations are wholly out of the question. 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Blest be the choosing system which supports 
The rights of patronage, and pride of courts ! 



Every one sets forward in the scramble ; and the best 
thing he can lay his hands fast upon becomes his own. 
Hence we have at the head of our Admiralty successive- 
ly, a Noble Lord, a true Sea Captain, a Lawyer be- 
come a thorough bred courtier, a Sea Lord of eighty, 
and two Squire orators. In the Treasury we have 
seen a Financier, a Speaker of the House of Commons, 
a Noble Lord and a lord by courtesy, and finally an At- 
torney General ! The Foreign department, upon which 
all our relations with Europe depend, has undergone 
not less queer revolutions ; and after having been occu- 
pied by Fox, has at length been consigned to a maker 
of epigrams. As to the War department, to which the 
Colonial, an odd enough appendage, is added, it might 
seem to have remained in one hand, from that consistent 
succession of blunders, which has rendered our expedi- 
tions the butt of Europe : but it has in fact passed 
through as great a variety of occupants as any of the 
rest, (all however, it would appear, equally qualified,) 
and after soaring to the upper regions, in the form of a 
Pegasus, under the daring jockeyship of Mr. "W ■ , 

has at length become a very tame mule, bestrid by Lord 

C . I do not mean to say that all the personages 

alluded to are not very able men, very admirable ge- 
niuses : but I mubt doubt whether they are fitted for a 



THE MALE EOOK. )49 

Were skill and worth the only road to place, 240 
How oft might greatness mourn the want of grace ? 



single occupation which they have never learned. Some 
of them have nearly run the gauntlet of all the higher 
offices in the state ; and I may surely affirm that if, in 
this career, they sometimes occupied their proper place, 
they were as often not better suited than if a blacksmith 
were set with a pair of scissars to cut out fashionable 
frocks. Perhaps it may be judged a very easy matter to 
carry on the business of government, and that almost 
any man is competent to it 5 and, in truth, as the affair 
is managed, it cannot be attended with much difficulty. 
But to have a full and distinct idea of the business of the 
department, and to execute it skilfully for the benefit 
of the nation, is not a matter of such ease. I also have 
looked into our public offices, and can affirm that not 
only to surmount their unavoidable difficulties, but even 
to unravel that maze of confusion and perplexity in 
which ignorance has entangled them, would require the 
deep attention of years. I can safely assert that there 
are not two ministers at present in office who thoroughly 
understand the objects, powers, detail, or requisite skill 
of their respective departments. How is it possible 
they should ? Amidst the passion, and bustle of party 
and intrigue, which perpetually divert their attention, 
and distract their thoughts, how is it possible that men, 
during a precarious elevation of a few years, or rather 
o 3 



150 EPICS OF THE TON: 

The deep-read scholar, in his closet then 
Prepared to read the world and study men, 
Might purblind practice by keen science aid, 
And tread the paths by Benevento made; 245 

a few months, should become deeply conversant with 
an intricate business, which they never studied before, 
and have now no time to study ? In short, what Ho- 
race says of poetry in his days may be applied to politics 
in ours ; 

" Navim agere ignarus navis timet : abrotonum aegro 
" Non audet, nisi qui didicit, dare: quod medico- 
rum est, 
»' Promittunt medici : tractant fabrilia fabri : 
" Ducimus indocti doctiqne politico, passim." 

Line 237.] This is not the least curious circumstance of 
a late transaction. All the independencies were at once 
snatch'd by the most forward, and held with such a death- 
like gripe, that itwas impossible to unloose the hold, with- 
out catting off the fingers. It was a mortifying thing 
to become jack-boot to his Grace ; and yet there was 
nothing else to be had. The honied sauce of a sine- 
cure was applied to make the dry morsel go down 
sweetly ; and if a villainous hue-and-cry had not been 
raised, it would have sweetened his mouth for life. 

Line 245.] Charles Maurice Talleyrand, created by 
. Us master Prince of Benevento, has contributed to the 



THE MALE BOOK. 

And with new maxims, from no vulgar school, 
Yet teach Old Britain o'er the world to rule. 



greatness and success of Bonaparte, not less than his 
most formidable armies. He studied the science of 
politics in his closet ; and he came on the theatre of 
public affairs, fully prepared to apply his solid conclu- 
sions to practice. The most strange concurrence of cir- 
cumstances presented nothing perplexing to him ; for 
they originated in principles which he understood, and 
led to consequences which he knew how to regulate. 
Bonaparte was in war what his minister was in politics. 
Both proceeded upon ascertained principles, and not 
upon those crude conjectures so absurdly called expe- 
rience. Hence their plans appeared always consistent, 
yet were wholly incomprehensible to their enemies j 
and the nations of Europe found themselves conquered 
almost before they had prepared to meet an attack. It 
is in vain that their stupified antagonists have attributed 
these unrivalled successes to some mysterious and mira- 
culous intervention of Providence, to hidden treachery 
and to inexplicable enthusiasm. The only magic of Bo- 
naparte and Talleyrand was a thorough knowledge of 
human nature, which could not but easily triumph over 
the profound ignorance of their enemies. The political 
writings of Talleyrand readdy distinguish him from the 
common herd of statesmen. Here we find none of that 
technical and mysterious jargon of office, which is em- 



152 EPICS OF THE TON '. 

But then alas ! great titles would be vain, 
And those who nothing know would nothing gain : 
The man with many votes, or much of tongue, 250 
Who with his patron's eyes sees right or wrong ; 
Fit for all places, save the poor and small, 
And fit alike for any one, or all ; 
Then left to crawl unknown with brother worms, 
Would curse the change, and rail at mad reforms. 
Kind Heaven ! for moon-struck Britain's sake, 
inspire 256 

This bust of statesman with a statesman's fire ; 
For inspiration can alone impart 
What still to him remains a hidden art. 



ployed to confound the understandings of men, and give 
to trifles an air of profundity. He reasons like a philoso- 
pher, and deduces undeniable conclusions from indubi- 
table fact6. — And why should not British statesmen, for 
the glory and salvation of their country, imitate this 
example ? It is not necessary to imitate the profligacy 
and perfidy of Talleyrand, in order to attain his other 
qualities. Virtuous intentions, and pure affections, 
when united with equal skill and knowledge, always 
triumph over vice. 



THE MALE BOOK. 133 

Let briefs to budgets turn ; nor in his brain 260 
Supreme o'er truth let legal fictions reign ; 
Nor f/ro and con alike his judgment please, 
Nor laws and taxes bear the mark of fees. 



G- 



When great ones shake the head, and roll the eye-, 
Like frowning meteors in the troubled sky ; 265 
Like Gog and Magog swell in civic hall, 
As fierce, as callous, motionless and tall ; 
How shrink the souls of little men with dread, 
How quakes the bosom, and how droops the head ! 

But oh ! when human feelings melt the great, 
When human kindness shines in lofty state, 271 
When winning smiles the reverenced features wear, 
When soothing sounds the words of greatness bear 5 
Like genial beams that gild the April morn, 
That crown the mountain, and the vale adorn, 275 
The rays of favor from the noble shoot, 
With hopes of summer, and of golden fruit. 
Still as their sun ascends, their brightness sheds 
More grateful blessings round the humbler heads \ 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Their kindly influence gives contentment birth, 280 
And mortals own these imaged gods on earth. 
And such thy nature, Fox ! whatever cloud 
O'ercast thy honours, and thy glory shroud : 



Line 282.] The poet, with an impartial hand, dis- 
plays the most noted virtues of the rival statesmen : 
the commentator shall tell the whole truth, with equal 
impartiality. 

Charles James Fox derived from nature a vigorous ca- 
pacity, which was early improved by a liberal education. 
His conceptions were rapid, his fancy brilliant : the in- 
dulgence of his father gave him an open and fearless 
address j and a continual intercourse with the circles of 
gaiety and fashion, rendered his expression fluent, un- 
constrained, and elegant. He seemed born an orator, 
and destined by nature to shine in the political sphere, 
His temper, frank, candid, and generous, was calcu- 
lated to gain him many friends, and to disarm the ani- 
mosity of every enemy. There was nothing in it to in- 
spire awe, or to excite mistrust ; no one was thrown to 
an uncomfortable distance. He seemed born to live with 
ease and good humour, and to communicate these 
agreeable feelings to all around him. 

His more advanced education tended to blast the 
fruitful plants which shot up in so rich a soil, and to 
give room and luxuriance to every weed. His youth 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Thou ne'er wert known, with words of awful sound, 
To shoot amazement through the states around ; 



was a continued course of dissipation. Those hours of 
vigour and ardour, which ought to have been spent in 
the labours of the closet, were devoted to the gaming 
table, the amour, the midnight debauch. The habits 
thus contracted gradually became irresistible. He could 
only by starts confine himself to serious studies : he 
needed dissipation to refresh his mind : he became inca- 
pable of that steady attention to business, without which 
it is impossible to conduct the affairs of a great and ac- 
tive nation. 

His introduction into political life was not peculiarly 
fortunate. His father, indeed, enjoyed the reputation 
of abilities, yet he had sunk under the talents, and still 
more under the integrity of Chatham. But if Fox deri- 
ved some stain from his parentage, his own conduct seem- 
ed not likely to remove the blot ; and while men admired 
the brilliancy of his parts, they wondered and lamented 
that so much genius should be united to so little pru- 
dence or virtue. 

The unfavourable occurrences, which crossed his po- 
litical career, might spring from accident ; but they de- 
rived new force, from the warmth, or the facility of his 
own temper. During the American war, he had derived 
much popularity from his resolute and violent opposition 
to Lord North : but when this nobleman and his friends 



156 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Haste resolution with a thund'ring blow, 286 

And raise from wavering friends the rankling foe ; 



passed over to the party of Fox, and were by him re- 
ceived with his usual facility and frankness, the people 
looked upon their patriot as guilty of the most unprin- 
cipled dishonesty in thus cordially coalescing with the 
men whom he had just pursued with the most opprobri- 
ous invective. The odium of the coalition continued 
ever afterwards to hang, like a noxious vapour, upon his 
brightest beams. 

When Great Britain interfered to put a stop to the 
conquering arms of Russia, the friends of monarchy 
were alarmed and incensed, when they saw Fox not 
only oppose administration at home, but even carry his 
zeal so far as to send abroad an accredited agent to 
thwart the views of government. During the lamented 
illness of the sovereign, his activity drew down upon 
him a new load of indignation. Men could not look 
upon the warmest friendship for the son, as a sufficient 
excuse for deserting his duty to the father. 

The French Revolution followed close. Fox, in con- 
formity with his principles, applauded the first move- 
ments of freedom, and the nation united in his senti- 
ments. The excesses which ensued altered the general 
feelings : the best principles became abhorred, when 
found in the mouths of atrocious villains : and in the 
ideas of the multitude, Fox became associated with 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Stride o'er the weak ally with sword in hand, 
And hid them ruin seek at thy command ; 



those who spoke the same language, however different 
their intentions and actions. The consternation after- 
wards diffused throughout the kingdom, and the vast 
popularity of his great political antagonist, gave a still 
deeper hold to these impressions ; and no one seemed 
worthy of public trust., who did not revile Fox as an 
enemy to his country. His own imprudence was, in- 
deed, scarcely less fatal to his interests, than were the 
arts of his adversaries. He gave too free access to men 
of profligate characters and dark designs : He uttered 
expressions too violent at any time, but foolish in the ex- 
treme amidst the ferment which then prevailed : He 
even degraded himself to a level with the lowest dema- 
gogues, by haranguing motley mobs in the fields around 
London. His patriotism became more suspected, when 
he declared his country to be in extreme danger, and 
then took the unmanly resolution of abandoning her 
councils, and consigning himself to ease and retirement. 
These acts are indeed attributed to a facility which led 
him to yield to men whose opinions he should have des- 
pised : But this is only to defend his heart at the expence 
of his head. 

The same lamentable facility suddenly eclipsed the 
rays which began to break forth at his decline. After 
twenty years of opposition, he came into power with- 
P 



EPICS OF THE TON*: 



The torch of war o'er shudd'ring nations raise, 290 
And shout delighted at the spreading blaze : 



out sacrificing his honour j but his first act, in the House 
of Commons, as a minister, was the introduction of a 
bill to enable a colleague to possess at once two impor- 
tant, rich, and incompatible offices. He seemed to feel 
his own degradation : He seemed conscious that he was 
setting at defiance all his former professions, and tramp- 
ling to dust all the gloiy of his life. His countenance 
reddened, and his voice became choaked, with shame 
and anger, when his adversaries reminded him of what 
he wished to forget, and reproached him as the tool of 
iniquity and avarice. With this initiation, his former 
principles seemed to have vanished. The worst measure 
of his predecessors, the property tax, which he had 
lately reprobated as the most impolitic, unjust, and op- 
pressive, of all exactions, he now supported as an inge- 
nious device, and defended an increase of its injustice 
and oppression. 

Morality is too often neglected by the ambitious, as 
useless to their advancement : but experience shews 
that the want of a good moral character cannot be com- 
pensated to a statesman by any fame of talents. The 
general opinion of Fox's licentiousness was perhaps the 
greatest obstacle to his fortunes, and the glue which 
made calumnies so readily adhere to him. He was even 
believed to be the principal instrument in polluting that 



THE MALE BOOK. 159 

Chastise the dastard fools who, dead to shame, 
Would damp and smother out the glorious flame; 



spring, from which the nation expected its future hap- 
piness to flow : nor was this surmise confined to the 
vulgar. So confirmed was the general opinion of his li- 
centiousness, that his adherents, especially in certain dis- 
tant quarters of the Island, seemed to have assumed it as 
the distinguishing badge of their party 5 and youths who 
professed contempt for religion, and practised an un- 
bounded libertinism, were there almost the only acknow- 
ledged Foxites. The moral act, by which he closed 
his gayer career, excited scarcely less reprehension : 
However reclaimed and meritorious might be the ob- 
ject of his choice ; yet it seemed too shocking to deco- 
rum that the wife of a great statesman should be an im- 
proper companion for any honest matron. 

The mind of Fox was naturally open and liberal j and 
his principles bore the stamp of his disposition. He 
seemed from conviction the assertor of popular rights, 
and a decided enemy to arbitrary government. Yet his 
principles could not at all times resist either his facility 
or his warmth ; and some portion at least of his con- 
sistency may be attributed to his permanent situation as 
leader of opposition. He was accused of rank demo- 
cracy j but with much injustice. He entered political 
life among the aristocracy, and with them closed his 
career. It was by their prevailing influence against the 
P 2 



J 60 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Keep peace-struck crowds by traitors' pains in awe. 
And loudly call for vigour past the law, 295 



crown that he twice became a minister ; and by them he 
was supported throughout. He was a friend to extensive^ 
suffrage 5 but he knew that the votes of the lower orders 
must ever be at the command of the higher. In power, 
he had always the interest of the aristocracy in view. 
He endeavoured to throw the whole patronage of India 
into the hands of the parliament : He supported the 
property tax on the principle that men ought, as far as 
possible, to be retained in the station which they have 
once occupied j and that it is quite as reasonable the 
lower orders should be starved, as that the higher should 
be deprived of their usual enjoyments. 

The knowledge of Fox was chiefly of that description 
which may be drawn from conversation, or from books 
of easy perusal. In a country whose prosperity hinges 
on the arrangement of its industry, whose govern- 
ment depends on the skilful support of public credit, 
he acknowledged himself ignorant of political economy 
and finance. He was not deeply versed in official bu- 
siness ; nor had pursued any subject with the accuracy 
of scientific investigation. But in the political history 
of his country, in the laws relative to its constitution, 
in the dispositions and views of foreign powers, in the 
arts which conciliate and lead mankind, his knowledge 
was perhaps unrivalled by any modern politician. 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Thou, like a fire-tail'd comet in the heaven, 
Above our trembling heads wert never driven, 



His eloquence was the grand foundation of his fame. 
He had to straggle with the disadvantages of appear- 
ance. His figure was unpromising, his motions un- 
graceful, his voice shrill, and his enunciation, at the 
commencement of his speech, indistinct and hesitating. 
Every thing announced that all was unpremeditated, and 
that the hearer had nothing to expect but the effusions 
of the moment. But as he proceeded, this circumstance 
became a source of admiration. As he grew warm, 
his words began to flow ; his enunciation became clear 
and forcible ; his countenance glowed with ardour, and 
every motion spoke the force of his feelings. He 
hastened directly to his subject : It seemed to occupy 
his whole soul, to call forth every power of imagination 
and judgment : He was irresistibly hurried on by his 
emotions, and his hearers were hurried along with him. 
In whatever he said there was an air of candour and ear- 
nestness, which carried in it scarcely less persuasion than 
his words. By the rapidity and strength of his concep- 
tions, he was enabled to place his subject in the clearest 
light ; and he had an unusual facility in calling to his 
assistance the resources with which books or conversa- 
tion had supplied him. His wit was very successful, 
and his sarcasms peculiarly poignant : they were not de- 
P3 



EPICS OF THE TON i 



Thy foes and worshippers dismayed alike, 
And all thy glory to confound and strike ! 



livered with bitterness, and they seemed always to fall 
justly on the head of their object, 

Yet his eloquence was not free from the vices to 
which it was naturally subjected by his habits. His ora- 
tions were never regular, never skilfully arranged. The 
hearer, borne along by his warmth, did not discover his 
desultory transitions : but on recollection, he found it 
difficult to retrace the maze which he had traversed. 
As he always trusted to the moment, his exhibitions de- 
pended much on the state of his spirits 3 and it was not 
uncommon to see him labour through a hesitating, de- 
vious discourse, which scarcely retained the attention af 
his hearers. 

Even those;, who disliked his politics most, admired his 
disposition. His friends felt towards him a personal at- 
tachment ; and the open frankness of his manner often 
disarmed political animosity. He was regarded as the 
very model of a true Englishnan. 

His early dissipation and the narrowness of his private 
fortune involved him in perpetual difficulties, which em- 
barrassed his mind, and often engaged him in a disagree- 
able dependence. The expedient of a general contribu- 
tion of his friends, by which he was at length extrU 
cated, gave an irrecoverable blow to his respectability, 



THE MALE BOOK. 163 

Nor less the statesman's praise, who seems to feel 
A heart-touch'd interest in the public weal ; 301 

Those especially at a distance felt a strange revolution 
of sentiment, when the idol of their admiration became 
a suppliant for their alms. Some of his enemies had the 
cruelty to mortify him by their ostentatious subscriptions. 
His inviolable attachment to peace was the noblest 
feature in his public character. Even his most deter- 
mined enemies lamented his death, when they saw the 
negotiations which had owed their birth entirely to him, 
expire as our only Minister of Peace expired. 

Line 2S9.] It is said that, at the commencement of 
the last war, our ambassador at the court of T — sc — y 
demanded an audience of the G — d Duke, and, laying 
his watch on the table, informed his Highness, that un- 
less he consented, within a quarter of an hour, to de- 
clare war against France, he should be considered as at 
war with England. Such was the policy to which the 
kings of Sardinia and Naples, and the unhappy republic 
of Holland, owed their destruction. It is cruel policy 
to force into war feeble allies whom we cannot protect. 
Surrounded by the ocean, and defended by a triumphant 
navy, we ought to view with human feelings the mise- 
ries of weak and defenceless states. To make them, 
through terror, draw forth their poor contingents, may 
be glorious sport to us, but it is death to them. It has 
been said — a poor excuse for injustice ! that the French 



164 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Who loves to see a nation's coffers groan 
With shining hoards, and but neglects his own. 
Thou, Fox, didst never quaff the public springs, 
And richly batten on the goodly things; 305 

From loaves and fishes seek thy fortune's cure^ 
And rather fleece the people than be poor. 
Thou ne'er, with strong prudential grasp, didst 

strain 
To prop thy glories with substantial gain ; 
Bid law and honour wink the while aside, 310 

While two tall posts thy full-stretch'd legs bestride. 
Thou, by example, ne'er didst teach the crowd 
Of public leeches to resound aloud, 
" Blest is the state whose servants are well fed, 
" Plump, sleek, and jolly, rich and warmly clad ; 



do the same by their dependent allies. But we ought 
to recollect that the French, having their strength by 
land, are able to protect their allies on the continent. 
Such measures might be justifiable if our allies were 
islanders. Where it is otherwise, we can only witness 
their miserable subjugation, and hear their indignant 
imprecations on the original authors of their calamities, 



THE MALE BOOK. l6j 

W They not disgrace their lords with faces lank, 316 
'* With lantern jaw-bone, and with spindle shank ; 
" The nation's glory, forth to view they stand, 
" And proudly show the fulness of the land." 
A count'nance frank, a tongue with candour 
fraught, 320 

Untouch'd by guile, by no self interest caught, 
Pour'd round thy very failings such a gleam, 
That motes they seem'd amidst the noonday beam ; 
While friendship warm thy darkest days attends, 
Thy public foes were still thy private friends ; 325 
As social converse round the table ran, 
They lost the statesman, and retain'd the man. 
Thy soul, which o'er dark deeds of state arose, 
And spurn'd th' assassin as the worst of foes, 



Line 329.] The conduct of Fox towards the pro- 
posed assassin of Buonaparte gave a glorious refutation 
to the calumnies which had been propagated in France 
against the statesmen of England. They had been ac- 
cused of hiring assassins, of contriving infernal ma- 
chines, of countenancing the most flagitious designs for 
the destruction of their enemies. But no sooner did an 
assassin present himself to Fox, than he caused the 



166 liPICS OF THE ton: 

Half made the ruthless tyrant's hatred cease, 330 
And half had lull'd the fever'd world to peace. 

Neglected Peace, who now uprear'd the head, 
Hung with mute anguish o'er thy dying bed ; 
As closed thine eyes, beheld the closing gloom, 
And stopt on earth to tend thee to thy tomb ; 335 
The with'ring olive placed upon thy grave, 
And left the realm she now despair'd to save ! 



As late by Jones' unfinished pile I pass'd, 
A sullen cloud the noon day skies o'ercast ; 

wretch to be secured, and sent immediate information 
to the bitterest foe of Great Britain. I should not, per- 
haps, have adverted particularly to this circumstance, 
had I not heard some persons, a-kin to the assassin, 
allege with a sneer, that Fox might have made a less 
boast of magnanimity ; that he might have simply dis- 
missed the fellow, without becoming guardian to the 
mortal enemy of his country. 

Line 33S.] Inigo Jones drew a magnificent plan for 
rebuilding the palace at Whitehall. But Charles had 
more pressing calls upon his treasury than the encou- 



THE MALE BOOK. 167 

Large drops began with patt'ring noise to fall, 340 
And jetting rills annoy 'd me from the wall : 
I sought for shelter underneath that dome, 
Where many a half-drown'd wight has found a home. 
And, snugly pamper'd at the public board, 
Has strutted forth at length a spruce new lord. 345 
Men, maids, and matrons, to the archway ran, 
Clerks, courtiers, coblers, all the dusty clan ; 
Much ill was found within, but more without, 
A mob seem'd better than a water-spout. 
Two swains, the one beseem'd a scriv'ner hight, 
The other from abroad a wandering knight, 351 
Together stood. At length the stranger broke 
The formal silence, and inquiring spoke. 



ragement of the fine arts, and the decoration of his ca- 
pital. The small portion of the design which was exe- 
cuted, remains to teach young architectural geniuses 
what noble monuments they may be enabled to erect to 
their fame at the public expence. 

Line 342.] The Treasury — one of the most desirable 
buildings in the nation. 



168 EPICS OF THE TON : 

" Seven years have pass'd since James's park I've 

seen, 
" And Wapping but receiv'd me yester-e'en ; 356 
" O'er many a wave, to many a distant realm, 
" I've stretch'd the canvas, and I've watch'd the 

helm ; 
rc Great changes, well I ween, have chanced the 

while, 
" Amidst the mighty pilots of our isle ; 
•' This morn they brought me a newspaper in, 360 
(i With many a paragraph to raise a grin; 
" The members too, as usual, pitch'd their strength ; 
" Some spoke in proverbs, some harangued at length; 

Line 363.1 Here I must observe, that what the tra- 
veller says of the members speaking in proverbs, or very 
short sentences, arises from his ignorance. It is by no 
means the custom of our senatorial orators to degrade 
their eloquence by delivering themselves with this laco- 
nic abruptness. It is well known that no man (unless 
his notes or his memory fail him) sits down willingly, 
until after he has spent an hour upon his legs. Nay, so 
anxious are some members to do their duty to their con- 
stituents, that they can never be driven off their post 
till a full battery of the whole house opens upon them. 



THE MALE BOOK. 16*9 

ff There Clianc'lors, Secretaries, told at large 
" Their own great merits, and their mighty charge ; 
" But whence their merits sprung, or what their 
name, 366 

t{ I knew no more than Tchi-tung's men of fame. 
ee When last I left this land, our ruling great 
<4 Were known to every child in every state ; 
(i And round the skirt of Canton's crazy wall 3/0 
" Were famed as much as in St. Stephen's hall. — 

Every one is aware that the members themselves, in 
estimating their respective merits in any debate, uni- 
formly have recourse to the palpable and infallible stand- 
ard of their duration in the perpendicular posture. 
What orators are in greater request than those who can 
speak against time ? The mutilated figure, which many 
an invaluable three-hour-orator makes in a newspaper, 
is entirely owing to the necessary limitations of the re- 
porter. When the final sentence, no more can be in- 
serted, is announced, then the orator may think himself 
well off and favoured who has even his name squeezed 
into half a line. We may add, somewhat in the strain 
of the Italian when speaking of the beauties of his 
mistress, — were all the speeches of all our orators to be 
reported, paper could not be found to hold them, printers 
to print them, and certainly not readers to read them. 
Q 



1 70 EPICS OF THE TON : 

" Say, if thou canst, what new- sprung men are 

these, 
" That hold earth's scales, and rule the lords of seas?" 

" Unhappy thou !" replied the man of pen, 
Ci Who hast as yet to learn these mighty men : 375 
" Since Britain first rose from the ebbing wave, 
" No mightier hands were stretch'd her realm to 

save ; 
" No mightier hands her rivals to o'erthrow, 
<l And fix the fetters on the gnashing foe. 
" Of great Canino sure thine ears have heard, 3 SO 
f< Fit for a statesman ere he wore a beard ; 
" Safe 'neath his wing, their all scared Britons hold, 
" Nor care though lions prowl around the fold. 

" Blest Britain ! now thy hour of triumph's nigh, 
" O'er sea and land thy conquering flag shall fly! 3 85 
" But who th' illustrious sire, and princely dame, 
<* That brought to light the child decreed to Fame >" 

" His ancient pedigree, by records good, 
e « Reach'd past King Arthur, nay, beyond the flood ; 

Line 383.] Lions are said to be terribly afraid of the 
crowing of a cock. 



THE MALE BOOK. 171 

" In Rome or Athens had he found his birth, 390 
" His line had soar'd beyond the sons of earth ; 
" Some god of prowess vast, and amorous fame, 
" Some goddess bright, had proved his sire and dame. 
" With mother-wit to profit e'en by play, 
" Through devious paths he well could find his way 5 
" With wits could toy, and by their aid attain 396 
" Ends they ne'er dreamt of, friends whose smiles 

were gain. 
*' Thus following close, where brilliant fortune led, 
" The great Canino lifts on high the head ! 

" But say what treasures bear aloft his state, 400 
st What goodly rent-rolls in his train await? 
" What independence buoys him o'er the tribe 
" That sell their honour for a lentile bribe ? 

Line 389.] The assertion of the author here, though 
very wonderful, is urged with a confidence and evident 
sincerity which cannot be questioned. A few gaps in so 
Very long a line cannot be reputed any blemish. 

Line 393.] A number of illustrious personages, in 
the earlier ages of Greece and Rome, were accounted 
the offspring of certain gods and goddesses. This ho- 
nour they usually received, when their terrestrial origin , 
like that of the Nile, was hid in obscurity. 
Q 2 



172 EPJCS OF THE TON : 

l( With eye clear-sighted, and with tempered fire, 
" While prudence fed the glow of young desire,405 
" He sought a bride from Scotland's distant hills, 
" Where pure spring- water leaps in virgin rills, 
" Where shepherdesses boast their lily fold, 
fi And sometimes, not less pleas'd, their saffron gold. 
" Hence came the fair that bless'd Canino's arms, 
" With cash and beauty, paradisal charms ! 411 
" Pure, spotless, was the wealth from that pure clime 
" Where children shine not by a parent's crime ; 
" Unlike the treasures bought with barter'd fame, 
,e Torn from the wretch amidst the midnight game — 
" Who, then awaking, starts with curdling blood ; 
" To think his infants soon shall gasp for food, 417 
'* A dungeon drear his years forlorn attend — 
" Then flies from fancy to a direful end ! 
" While the cool murd'rer now, around his bed,490 
" Sees ruin'd phantoms at dark midnight tread ; 
" And, bolts and bars unfit his soul to screen, 
" He madly hastes to join the grisly scene; 

Line 403.] Our readers will recollect Esau, who sold 
his birth-right for a mess of pottage. His descendants 
are as yet by no means extinct. 



THE MALE BOOK. 173 

" That wealth, for which he sold his peace, resign'd, 
iC Left to his heirs, and scatter'd on the wind. 425 

Line 423.] It is dreadful to think that such scenes 
should happen ; and yet they are occurrences too often 
known in this capital. Their frequency does not lessen 
their iniquity, but for a deeper stain on the national 
character. England, indeed, is not so addicted to gaming 
as other nations : but England does not, like other na- 
tions, groan under a tyranny which renders life of no 
value, and any agitation of the mind a relief from its 
habitual terrors. The dreadful tragedies produced by 
the sudden reverses of the gaming table are shocking to 
humanity. Such catastrophes as those alluded to by the 
poet take place more frequently than may be imagined. 
One instance was some years ago much the subject of 
discourse in one part of our island. An officer of rank, 
who had improved a small patrimony into a very large 
estate by the arts of the gaming table, succeeded one 
night in stripping a young gentleman, who had just 
come to his fortune, of every farthing which he pos- 
sessed in the world. The young man, when left to his 
own reflections, recollected that he was now reduced 
from affluence to beggary ; that he must relinquish all 
his former pleasures, shrink from his acquaintance, and 
renounce for ever the object of his wishes, whom, in a 
few weeks, he was to have led to the altar. The tor- 
ment of this idea was insupportable. He wrote a letter 
to the author of his ruin, explaining the causes of his 
Q 3 



]74 EPICS OF THE TON: 

C( Far different gains Canino's state uphold, 
" No spot is seen to dim the virtuous gold. 

Ci Thus crown'd with wealth, what powers our 
hopes await, 
' f What mighty talents to support the state ? 

" Ask you his powers whose fame has fill'd the 
world, 430 

u And in the cabinet its flags unfurl 'd ? 



despair, and imprecating the vengeance of Heaven upon 
his head ; and then with a pistol terminated his mortal 
existence. The officer had been hardened, by long 
practice, to the scenes of misery which his arts pro- 
duced ; yet he could not shake off" the impression which 
this letter made on his mind. He had deliberately in- 
veigled the youth into play, and had taken every advan- 
tage of an ignorance which laid itself completely open 
to his skill. He imagined that he saw the youth conti- 
nually before him demanding vengeance ; nor was the 
gaming table, or any other scene of amusement, able 
to dispel this terrible idea from his fancy. One morning 
the report of a pistol was heard in his bed-room ; and 
when the servants rushed in, they found him no longer 
within the reach of human assistance. 

Line 431.] " Under each tropic is our language spoke, 

" And part of Flanders hath received our 

yoke." Waller* 



THE MALE BOOK. 1*.5 

<e Who never fails his cheering friends to charm, 

" So loud, so long, so very firm, so warm ? * 

" But far o'er all his talents soars his wit, 

" Wit never given to Fox, nor caught by Pitt! 435 

" By this our realm o'er foreign foes shall rise, 

" And tread on him who heaven and earth defies. 

". Napoleon fierce can face an Austrian gun, 

" Nor from a hairy Cossack flinching run ; 

" Can trot at leisure midst the whizzing balls, 440 

" And almost rub against the hostile walls ; 

" But this great hero, pierced by pointed words, 
<l Grows soft as lath, and pale as Suffolk curds; 

Line 433.] The great requisites of an orator in the 
House. If he foams a little, it will have a vastly fine 
efFect ; and a violent toss of the head is peculiarly em- 
phatic. He should often seem to choak with the strength 
of his emotions j and should never fail to squeeze his 
white handkerchief between his hands, as if he were 
wringing it out of the wash-tub. He ought to thump 
the desk without mercy, if he has one before him ; and, 
if he has not, he ought to make up by an audible 
stamping with his feet. He should never forget to talk 
of his feelings in every sentence ; and should often in- 
troduce the name of the Almighty, to diffuse a peculiar 
solemnity and prevent laughter. 



] 76 EPICS OF THE TON : 

" A pun confounds him, and a smart conceit, 
" Or epigram severe, yet wond'rous neat, 445 

" Will lay the braggart prostrate at our feet ! 
" Such are the powers by which Canino's hand 
" Shall chace the proud usurper from his land. 

" If F re can tag a rhyme, and G-^ff-fc'd still 

ie Can turn a period with a placeman's quill, 4 50 
u Canino's stores shall then come forth with grace, 
" At every point a magazine he'll place, 
" Where'er Napoleon turns his ruffian face. 
" Lo ! 'gainst his front the laden Cossack brings 
" The English subsidy, fierce verlal stings ; 455 



Line 448.] " I'll speak daggers, but use none." 

SlIAKSPEARE. 

Line 449-] The first of these wits has become a ce- 
lebrated diplomatist, as the world has heard. The se- 
cond is a wit of a superior stamp ; and much did the 

A n owe to its editor. It is very easy to write 

pretty epigrams when they pass through the hands of 
such a corrector. He now enjoys the rewards of his 
labours in a tolerable streamlet from the river of public 
sweets. He will now again be probably called into 
action. 



THE MALE BOOK. 177 

f While west, south, north, well marshall'd in his 

rear, 
" With accents dire the tirailleurs appear ! 
" With keen barb'd darts stuck round, shall fume 

the beast, 
" Like baited bull at far-famed Spanish feast ; 
" Till, quite o'ercome, he'll lay him down and die — 
" Then be it mine to spread abroad the joy ; 461 

" For, Sir, Canino's S 1 y I!" 

" O happy times !" replied the trav'ling wight, 
•' We'll take our pleasure, while our Wits shall fight : 
" The nation trusting to such glorious hits, 465 
* ( Will soon be brought to live upon its wits!" 

G R . 

What churl shall blame the thrifty statesman's 
pains, 
Who mingles public good with private gains; 
Who for the general profit does his best, 
Nor idly leaves unfeather'd his own nest ; 470 

And never sallying from the law's strong fort, 
Looks down contemptuous on a Tenth Report. 



178 EPICS OF THE TON: 

I'll praise the man, (let hot-brain'd patriots 
blame,) 
Who ne'er pursued the gossamer of fame ; 
Ambition-led firm footing to forsake, 475 

And break his rivals down, or break his neck : 

Line 472.] Nothing is more easy than to escape these 
terrible bug-bears ; and he understands his business ill 
indeed who cannot find means to do every thing he 
wishes to do, and yet keep clear of a tenth report. The 
gentlemen, who brought the famous transactions there 
mentioned to light, certainly ought to have the tribute 
they deserve for their public spirit : Yet I must own I 
should not have liked their labours less, had they been 
at least indifferent to the friends and foes of the accused, 
and had their expressions been less severe than their 
facts. When there is much charged and little proved 
against a public delinquent, it throws irreparable discre- 
dit on the very necessary enquiry into abuses, and the 
dishonest are more secure than ever. Who would at 
present be inflamed with the same passions, which men 
felt two years ago, by the production of another Tenth 
Report ? Owing to this very cause, I am convinced, our 
Commissioners for Military Enquiry, who have far 
greater abuses to produce, will excite a much less fer- 
ment by their discoveries. The only persons, whose 
reputation will suffer much from their labours, are such 
as may be invidiously exempted from their cognizance, 



THE MALE BOOK. 179 

Who, void of patronage, and void of pence, 
But gifted with Heaven's manna, common sense, 
The lowest station with contentment held, 
Took what he could, nor once in thought rebell'd ; 
With patience waited till the angel came, 481 

Then forward stept, and felt a mended frame ; 
Who still grew rich where others had grown poor, 
Who saw much change yet felt himself secure ; 
Who adding daily farthings to his store, 485 

By little thrived, yet saw it still grow more ; 
Who, step by step, unmark'd by friends or foes, 
Still held the course, and towards the summit rose ; 
Till snugly seated near the highest aim, 
Men look'd at length, and wonder'd whence he 
came. 490 

Blest is the premier who such friends can find, 
For all occasions fitted to his mind : 

Line 4S2-] It is of infinite importance to be in pro- 
per preparation for stepping in when the angel comes to 
trouble the pool of Shiloam. Many a worthy servant of 
the public, like the infirm man in the gospel, is con- 
demned to starve in grey hairs, from the want of some 
friendly hand to help him to the waters at the fortunate 
moment. 



180 EPICS OF THE TON : 

He ne'er shall dread, lest, thirsting for renown, 
They trip his heels, and thrust him headlong down ; 
Or, in the fever of an idle brain, 495 

His schemes perplex with projects wild and vain, 

Line 4Qfj.] There is a set of men (happily for the 
security of administrations the number is small) who 
have some favourite popular projects, from which they 
expect much reputation, and which they consequently 
long to carry into execution. These are very dangerous 
persons, and infinitely troublesome to a minister. Mr. 
Pitt seems to have held the reins of such unruly spirits 
much more firmly than perhaps any ether minister in our 
annals, and his stability remained undisturbed in pro- 
portion. Both Mr. Fox's administrations v/ere remark- 
able for a contrary conduct, and their duration was ac- 
cordingly. During his former administration, that man 
of schemes, Mr. Burke, had almost daily something 
new to propose. He scrutinized the public offices, 
lopped off many sinecures and so forth ; and at last he, 
with all his colleagues, ran mad after a reformation of 
Indian affairs, and was about to clip courtly patronage 
at a terrible rate. The issue was such as they might 
have expected ; they were scarcely warm in their places, 
when they were turned out stark naked into the streets. 
The last administration, broad-bottomed as it was, upset 
from similar causes. We had a slave-trade bill for the 
West Indies, a law-court bill for Scotland, and a con- 
science-bill for Ireland, and— a consequent dismission 



THE MALE BOOK. 181 

Or, with quaint scruples, starting from their course, 

Of honour talk like officer of horse ; 

Or, bashful, like young Miss of downcast eye, 

Blush to assert, and then, next hour, deny j 500 

Or nice and dainty, their associates chuse, 

To part with this, or act with that refuse ; 

for ministers. There were not a few other foolish 
schemes agitated by several members of the party. 
Among the rest it is impossible to pass by, without re- 
prehension, the wild attempt of Sir Samuel Romilly to 
render the estates in land assets for debt. He, good 
easy man ! certainly imagined that the proprietors of 
freehold estates, who form the majority in both houses 
of parliament, would actually surrender a real privilege 
from a fanciful principle of honour : that they would be 
willing to give up a right to be dishonest, to pay justly 
what they had engaged to pay : that they would rathe.- 
leave their posterity an unblemished good name, than an 
estate preserved by infamy : and that they would hence- 
forth endeavour to provide for their children by prudence 
and economy, rather than by fraudulent depredations on 
the industrious part of the community. May Sir Samuel 
Romilly for the future learn to study men rather than 
abstract principles $ and may the remembrance of this 
transaction remain everlastingly attached to his name ! 



R 



182 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Or, discontented with the state they hold, 
Call for new honours, and make nought of gold ; 
Too vain their proper station e'er to see, 505 

And, form'd for drudges, would task-masters be. 

Train'd to the desk, and dext'rous at the pen, 
This is the age that honours useful men : 
Some courtly lord, or orator of fame, 
The loftier stations, as his right, may claim ; 510 
At home, abroad, employ the public tongue, 
And seem the arbiter of right and wrong : 
The useful man who knows the old jog-trot, 
And what was done before, and what was not ; 
Skill'd in the power of every wheel and pin, 515 
To keep in motion the complex machine ; 
And, though the charioteer wind to and fro, 
Through smooth and rugged still can make it go ; 
At dangerous plunges haste the drag to drop, 
Nor fright the public by an actual stop ; 520 

Leave the high-horsemen to their wayward flights, 

And wisely labour to keep all to rights: 

Such is the man, who still his course can find, 
With every current, and with every wind ; 



THE MALE BOOK. 183 

And quite as useful whosoe'er presides, 525 

Along the stream of party gently glides. 

Such are the statesmen honour'd in our times, 
Such are the patriots of our prudent climes j 
Unlike those airy dreamers fancy-taught, 
Those rapt enthusiasts by warm visions caught, 530 
All sordid views, all selfish ends, above, 
Who loved their country with a lover's love ; 
Who thought the blood, which for their nation flow'd, 
A little part of what their duty owed ; 
Who lavish'd fortune, and grew fond of toil, 535 
To gain new blessings for their native soil ; 
And, blest to see the wealth of others grown, 
Gave thanks to heaven, and quite forgot their own. 

w — w . 

Nor teems our age alone with men of use, 
Bright men of genius too the times produce j 540 
Whose fancy ne'er in sober counsel sits, 
Whose judgments scarce o'ertake their eagle wits; 
Who bound from north to south, from east to west, 
Alone consistent in their hate to rest. 
r 2 



1 84 EPICS OF THE TON : 

From these selected, we may chance to find 545 
Some soaring genius of a vaster mind ; 
Who greatly brilliant o'er the rest appears, 
Like comets sweeping through the lesser spheres. 
Ask you his party ? Some have judg'd it known, 
But beat the bush, and proved the bird was flown ; 
Have found the Whig a Tory in his heart, 551 

And the keen patriot act the placeman's part ; 
Now shout of rights, impeachments, and reforms, 
Now shuddering warn the state of coming storms ; 
Now call the people to assert their own, 555 

Now bid them crouch, and skulk behind the throne ; 
Now talk of freedom as an angel bright, 
Now as a fiend that lurks for prey by night ; 
Or driven by fear, or led by deeper wit, 
The friend of Fox become the friend of Pitt ; 560 
Or, wheeling round, when not allow'd to reign, 
Desert from Pitt, and turn to Fox again. 



Line 562.] Something may be said to extenuate all 
this. A professed imitator, who neither sees with his 
own eyes, nor hears with his own ears, must often 
fall into errors the more grotesque as they are not origi- 



THE MALE BOOK. 185 

The man of genius in the council see, 
His colleagues tell they could not once agree ; 
Still full prepared, and never at a loss, 5G5 

To raise objections, and all schemes to cross ; 
Maintain his counter-plans were wise and good, 
And only fail to make them understood. 

The eye of genius things so strangely strike, 
They seem at diff'rent periods quite unlike ; 570 

nal. Burke was himself a singular character, and, in 
most parts of his life, an object rather of our wonder 
than applause. But Burke at second hand can scarce- 
ly fail to excite the former without the latter emo- 
tion. imitatores servim pecus ! To this principle of 
imitation I could trace many of the most glaring faults 
of a man naturally capable of better things. 

The terrors of the French Revolution turned many a 
brain previously sound and vigorous. I am inclined to 
think that the panic of the party who deserted their 
former associates was in a great measure real, and that 
they actually expressed much of what they felt. Yet I 
should have been as well satisfied of their patriotism, had 
they been to lose loaves and fishes, by the change, instead 
of gaining them. Burke unwarily acknowledged that 
he had in view to make a family. Another statesman 
seemed by his silence to have his mouth too full to 
speak. 



186 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Now clearly seen by opposition's beam, 
Strange, monstrous, huge, the fees of office seem ; 
Now somewhat by the clouds of place obscured, 
These ills prodigious are with ease endured — 
Things to which none but mean-soul'd thrift attends, 
Cheese-parings mere, and useless candle-ends. 576 

E'en rank abuses, which could once inspire 
The man of genius with consuming fire, 
Who almost burnt Whitehall with words of flame, 
While recreant placemen trembled at his name — 5SO 
Now shoot luxuriant underneath his nose, 
While, like his brethren, he enjoys his doze j 

And L n stuffs his thousands in his purse, 

And finds a blessing where he fear'd a curse. 



Line 584.] It is amusing to hear an opposition orator 
thundering against the permission of abuses ; and, after- 
wards, when in office, giving full swing to the worst of 
them. The pickings in a particular office were cheese- 
parings and candle-ends with a vengeance. One clerk 
pocketed yearly, by his dexterity, as much as would 
have almost paid all the regular salaries of the Cabinet. 
It is not the legal emoluments of the efficient offices that 
are enormous : they are in many instances too small. 



THE MALE BOOK. 197 

From projects numerous as the motes of sun, 585 
To strike th' astonish'd world he seiz'd on one ; 
Here fix'd his rest, and hence defiance hurl a 
At all projectors who misled a world. 
Then Britain dreamt of honours near at hand, 
Of feats at sea surpass'd by deeds on land ; 590 
Of willing myriads to her camp that throng, 

And all by pure affection drawn along; 

Men little moved by bounty, less by pay, 

And quite content with penny more a day ; 

Of mighty armies form'd from bands like these, 595 
Who soon would Europe of her chains release ; 
And, patriot ardour join'd to sudden art, 
The magic spells dissolve of Bonaparte : 
Thus Britain dream'd ; but when she oped her eyes 
To look around her for realities, 600 

A midwife speech came posting to the House, 
And from the lab'ring hills produced a mouse. 



The leeches that suck under cover exhaust the blood of 
the nation. Alas ! how many years will pass before our 
Commissioners of Inquiry shall have laid open these 
evils, and pointed out a sufficient remedy ? 



188 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Say who shall catch bright genius as it flies., 
Or reconcile its contrarieties ? 

To soft humanity in gentle ways, 605 

A gallant tribute now Ventoso pays ; 
Tells of those courteous knights, who, all for fame, 
Relieved the oppress'd, and freed the captive dame ; 
In whose pure breast no wayward passion r©se, 
Who scorn'd to triumph but o'er equal foes ; 610 



Line 602.] I should be far from blaming a minister 
for bringing forward new plans. God knows we have 
need of many new devices, where the old have proved 
so miserably defective. Some changes in our military 
establishment seemed in a particular manner desirable, 
since the nation was evidently at a vast expence to little 
purpose. The fate of our military projects has, how- 
ever, been the oddest of all our political fatalities. One 
minister brought forward what he termed a gigantic 
measure : but, like other giants, it was only fit for a shew, 
and was both unwieldy and short lived. A greater mi- 
nister produced some strange appearance which a witty- 
orator compared to a graminivorous animal with two 
stomachs : which this wit, in his turn, converted into 
an animal without any stomach at all. We shall now 
see still more strange monsters generated, or I am much 
mistaken, by our present admirable military politician. 



THE MALE BOOK. 1 89 

And stout as generous, merciful as brave, 
Were proud to conquer, and more proud to save : — 
Now hear him, in an English bull-dog mood, 
Call, with a patriot voice, for scenes of blood ; 
Hold that a gory bull by dogs all torn, 615 

And dogs embowell'd on its mangling horn, 
Where mingled groans and yells the crowd invite, 
And bones bereft of flesh amuse the sight, 
Will make bold Britons thirst for Gallic gore, 
And add new trophies to their bays of yore ; 620 
Brave and relentless, piecemeal tear the foe, 
And, still insatiate, for new triumphs glow. 

Line 6'22.] The idea of rendering a people courage- 
ous by accustoming them to bloody sights has unhappily 
not been followed up as it deserved. It is a great stain 
on the activity of the illustrious statesman who so ener- 
getically supported the opinion, that he did not, when 
he was in power, cause institutions to be set on foot, in 
all the great towns of the kingdom, for promoting bull- 
baitings, and superintending the public worrying of dogs 
and cats. It has, indeed, been suspected that, as the 
levy en masse was evidently good for nothing else, it was 
intended for some purpose of this sort. By seeing this 
aukward squad hewed down by the enemy, it is incredi- 



190 EPICS OF THE ton: 

And such was he who deem'd it nought to move 
The willing ardour of a people's love ; 
Who judged the men that, freely and unpaid, 625 
Perform'd the task which others held a trade, 
That, prompt to save, and zealous to defend, 
Their life, their labour, to the state would lend — 
A butt for humour, and a mark for game, 
And well repaid with jeers, and galling shame : 630 
While some fierce pamphleteer, who, rich in spleen, 
With loud, loose scandals, vapour'd round the 

scene, 
Who all men's honour, all men's skill debased, 
Defamed all others, but Ventoso praised — 
Should with the worthies have his name enroll'd, 
And to his fame a statue rear'd of gold ! 636 

ble what intrepidity our regular forces would acquire. 
It may, however, be questioned whether it would not 
be quite as effectual, as well as more safe, to have a 
guillotine erected in each parish, and chop off the heads 
of a certain number of the squad every training day, in 
the presence of a regular regiment. 

Line 636J] A statue of gold ! a Colossus of brass ! I 
suspect the latter would now be the tribute proposed by 



THE MALE BOOK. 191 

Still to be singular, his constant view, 
And, what no other would, to say and do ; 
Still wrapt in mazy clouds of paradox, 
And still most pleas'd when most our sense he mocks, 
No tame consistency to curb his plan, 64 1 

Let others reconcile it if they can ; 
Now would he bring no soldiers to the field, 
But all the best which all the land could yield ; 
Pure gold quite sever 'd from the drossy nation, 645 
And quite new men by martial education ; — 
Now Sunday mobs, with Constable at head, 
To church-yard camps by general Sexton led, 
With pike accouter'd, or old rusty gun, 
With swearing corporal, drummer, fife, and fun, 
With beer- pot ready, and attendant wench, 651 
Are quite the thing to overthrow the French ! 

One day he'll talk of learning and what not, 
Another praise the wiser Hottentot ; 
Maintain his breast with purer feelings glows, 655 
And guts and garbage arc the best of clothes. 

Ventoso himself ; for of late he has had his trimming as 
well as others. 



192 EPICS OF THE TON: 

Now hear him tell how little's due to birth, 
How education makes the man of worth : 
Now hear him hold that men, just as they're born, 
Are good and bad, as spring the tares, or corn ; 660 
Nor teacher more can change them by his care, 
Than give or take high cheek-bones, and red hair. 

But hear the genius orator declaim, 
And strive to gain the palm of wordy fame : 



Line 662. ] Such was the argument lately made use 
of by a great orator against Mr. Whitbread's Bill for the 
education of the poor. " To appeal to the example of 
the Scots/' said he, " is ridiculous. To attribute the 
good morals and industry of the lower orders of Scot- 
land to their education, is as absurd as to attribute their 
high cheek-bones and red hair to education. The lower 
orders of the Scots are superior to the English because 
they are a better breed. If you would mend the morals 
of the nation yon must mend the breed." These ex- 
pressions have given rise to a report, that the next plan 
of that sagacious orator will be a proposal to mend the 
English breed by the importation of a certain proportion 
of Scottish males and females for each parish. It is 
added that Sir J. S-^^^r, who understands the cross- 
ing of breeds above all men, is to take a principal part 
in the organization of the measure. 



THE MALE BOOK. 193 

There Fancy throws poor Reason in the shade, 665 
There Exclamation lends her brilliant aid ; 
There figures strange, by some enchantment caught, 
Are neck and heels, into the service brought ; 
There three leg'd metaphors o'er hedge and stile 
Bound with high limp, and fall into the toil ; 670 
There words new-coin'd, and phrases from rag- fair, 
With thoughts refined, and turns poetic, pair ; 
There, Metaphysic spreads her robe of snow, 
And, at her elbow, starts to hear " dust-ho !" 
Strange is the motlev groupe produced to view, 675 
Where somethings' always odd, and something new; 
Amused, fatigued, and never well content, 
The hearer loses but the argument ; 
Profuse the garnish covers every spot, 
And but the foolish dishes are forgot. 680 

To guide the state, O ! set this genius vast, 
Laputa's glories soon shall be surpass'd 5 



Line 682.] The ingenious and important inventions, 

or projected inventions, of the Laputans are known to 

every reader. The only great advantage over us, which 

these illustrious islanders derive from nature,, consists in 

S 



194 EPICS OF THE TON : 

The same dessert shall oft conclude the feast, 
And one plum-pudding serve a week at least ; 
Bright beams from cucumbers chace winter keen, 
And ladies fair through cobweb-robes be seen. 686 



R B S-koAk 

At times Dame Nature, in a bounteous mood, 
A soil prepares for any produce good; 
There yellow harvests may luxuriant shoot, 
There on the vine may swell the clustering fruit ; 
There, if neglected, every weed design'd 69 1 

The sloth to chasten of the lingering hind, 
The nettle, briar, thistle, dock may grow, 
And far and wide the yellow ragwort blow. 



the moveable construction of their island. "Were ours 
capable of being navigated in this manner, how easily 
might we escape Bonaparte by simply making a voyage 
to the Pacific ! His flotillas could never pretend to follow 
us. From the measures of defence, which have of late 
years been adopted, one is led to suppose that our mini- 
sters are not without expectations that means may be 
discovered of setting our island afloat in this manner. 



THE MALE BOOK. 195 

In any calling might Tigellius shine, 695 

The moving orator, the bard divine ; 
Rule as the statesman, as the wit enchant, 
Such powers did Nature to her favourite grant. 
Tigellius felt the boon ; and, all by turns, 
The wit, the bard, the orator, he burns ; 700 

Scarce for a day his loved pursuit the same, 
And still deserting ere he wins the game. • 

To rival Shakspeare see his genius rise, 
His taste excels, his wit with Shakspeare vies : 
Yet see the pigmy monument he rears ! — 705 

Two plays are all the work of thirty years; 
Save one burlesque to mock the Bavian throng, 
One maudlin farce, mere vehicle for song. 



Line 707.] Such burlesques are not without their 
utility ; and, if tolerably executed, are always amusing. 
The genius which they require is not however of the 
first rate, for several have been successful. The chief 
praise is given to the inventor of this mode of writing j 
and the author of the Rehearsal will therefore always be 
more noted than the author of the Critic. 

Line 708.] I believe few have seen the Duenna, when 
well acted, without pleasure j and I believe as few have 
s 2 



J96 EPICS OF THE TON : 

At length, deserting genius, see him job 

A German tragedy to please the mob ; 710 

Prop with smart crutch Anne Plumptre's hobbling 

stile, 
And of its blossoms the Gazette despoil ; 



read it with pleasure. A good actor may make some- 
thing both of the incidents and the dialogue ; but in the 
closet, " little Isaac" is almost as dull as the unaccount- 
able appendage Don Carlos. As a vehicle for songs, 
however, it may be so so, as times go : but alas ! is it 
from the author of the School for Scandal that we ought 
to expect mere vehicles ? 

Line 711.] This lady is well known throughout the 
nation as the faithful retailer in English of whatever Kot- 
zebue chooses to pour forth in German. She has tran- 
slated all his plays and travels — incomparable industry ! 
and at a rate so moderate, as her publisher will acknow- 
ledge, that she must either be much in love with the 
work, or miserably tired of it. 

Line 712.] The reader is aware that all those loyal 
addresses, in which the worthy citizens of our corpora- 
tions breathe out warm devotions at the foot of the 
throne, are inserted in the Gazette. Whether some ce- 
lebrated speeches delivered at Drury-Lane, from the pen 
of a great poet, do not bear a striking resemblance, in 



THE MALE BOOK. 

With royal ravings make the scene absurd^ 
And turn Ataliba to George the Third ; 



sentiment and style, to the usual strain of these ad- 
dresses, the knowing reader is left to determine. 

Line 713.] There is nothing which more certainly 
and readily disgusts us with the dainties of which we are 
most fond, than to be obliged to swallow them in large 
quantities on every occasion. No one will distrust the 
powers which I, or any other Englishman possess, of 
digesting loyal effusions in the theatre. In this way we 
have all most invincible stomachs. Yet it must be ac- 
knowledged that of late we have had the dainty admi- 
nistered in such unreasonable proportions, that to relish 
it at least is more than can be expected from us. I could 
mention some score of plays, and twice as many farces, 
which have come forward with the sole merit of an 
abundant provision of loyal clap-traps. This is taking 
advantage of loyalty with a vengeance. It must, like 
charity, cover a multitude of iniquities — the want of 
wit, interest, and common sense. The play of Pizarro 
has the merit of being among the first dramas in which 
loyal sentimentality was turned to such excessive good 
account. But if its glowing speeches raised the patrio- 
tism of the nation, they certainly have as much debased 
its taste 5 and after its great popularity, we have little 
reason to look for nature and simplicity in any serious 
dramatic performance. Did ever the savages of Peru 
s 3 



i 98 EPICS OF THE TOX : 

Pizarro set to Bonaparte's d d work, 715 

While Rolla represents his Grace of York ! 

O loyal bard ! O labours not in vain ! 

As tells the treasurer's box of Drury Lane ; 

Whate'er Whig bumpers cool thy loyal heat, 

A patriot thou to Drury and the Fleet ! 720 

Once more bursts forth bright genius ere it close, 

And, join'd with Johnstone, can a shew compose ; 



speak in such a manner ? But indeed the sentiments are 
the property of no nation, nor of any race, under 
Heaven. 

Line 7 19-] It cannot be forgotten that at the Whig 
Club (a society which have the honour of perpetuating 
a party distinction, a century after the ground of its ex- 
istence is removed) it became fashionable, some years 
ago, to omit that antiquated toast The King. The sub- 
stitute was the Sovereignty of the People. But in Drury 
Lane, it was found convenient to hold different senti- 
ments, and to drink his Majesty's health with every 
bumper. 

Line 720.] Our readers will recollect a famous pa- 
triotic exhibition which took place during the mutiny at 
the Nore, which will be presently alluded to in its pro- 
per place. 



THE MALE COOK. lQQ 

The walks of Shakspeare and of Farquhar leaves, 
And in a cavern hides with Forty Thieves. 

Now see the orator triumphant blaze, 725 

While crowds the accents catch with eager gaze ; 
Hear him the great oppressor strike with dread, 
And call for vengeance on his guilty head; 



Line 722.~\ Johnstone the machinist of Drury Lane 
theatre, a most ingenious man, and one of the best 
play-wrights of the age. Without his assistance, what 
would become of our heroes of the north, our wood de- 
mons, and other respectable personages of the same 
class ? In the composition of a Pantomimic Operatic 
Trajedy, the favourite drama of the day, the labour of 
the poet is one of the least things to be considered. 

" Dixit ad hue aliquid ? Nil sane. Quid placet ergo ? 

" Lana Tarentino violas imitata colore." 

Line 728.] Whatever might be the justice or injus- 
tice of the prosecution of a certain well-known governor 
of a distant part of our Empire, it afforded an unusual 

field for the display of eloquence. Mr. S— availed 

himself of it with infinite success. Two speeches which 
he delivered on this occasion were the ground-work of 
his oratorical fame. It may indeed be doubted whether 
these very fine and very long speeches did not more sig- 
nalize the orators than promote the cause. So many 



§00 EPICS OF THE TON : 

The wrongs of injured innocence deplore, 

The crimes of Britons on a distant shore ; 730 

Or starting forward with a patriot's fire, 

Bid fierce sedition panic-struck expire j 

Or twine a well-earn'd wreathe to crown the brave, 

The men unpaid who would their country save; 

five-hour speeches could not be all substantial — nay, 
some of the judges have assured me that they found it 
very difficult, among so many fine things, to discover 
any thing substantial at all. 

Line 732.] There were few occasions on which a 
popular orator could have made a temporary excursion 
from bis party with so much grace, as during the mu- 
tiny at the Nore. The character of Mr. S. seemed 
suddenly to start out from behind a cloud, and to shine 
in the eyes of all the nation with redoubled lustre. It 
was attributed to vanity, to the mere desire of shining : 
but it might as well be called the master-stroke of a poli- 
tician. 

Line 734.] This was also another occasion on which 
Mr. S. very gracefully differed from his party. His eu- 
logium on the Volunteers, and his motion of a vote of 
thanks to them, procured him a very general popularity 
throughout the nation : nor have all the jeers of some 
of his plan-making friends effaced the impression, as 



THE MALE BOOK. 201 

Or see him with the lash of ridicule, 735 

Whip through the town the oafs that strut and rule — 

Whate'er emotion he would raise appears, 

A burst of laughter, or a flood of tears ; 

The dazzling flash of patriotic fire, 

Or all the transports of indignant ire. 740 



Mr. W abundantly witnessed at a late civic feast, 

where he was greeted with The Volunteers and three 
times three. 

Line 736.] Nothing can be more poignant and more 
adroitly introduced than Mr. S.'s strokes of oratorical hu- 
mour. Witness the celebrated speech in which he, for 
ever, attached, to the Addingtonian administration, the idea 
of posteriors torn by force from their upper parts. His 
witticisms are by no means of that half-formed, ill-di- 
gested, and ill-directed nature, which the irregular effu- 
sions of the moment always are. They are all evidently 
formed and matured with care 3 and stored up, to be 
produced on a proper occasion, like well-arranged dag- 
gers in an armoury. 

Line 740.] It is an opinion which I do not hesitate 
to avow, that Mr. S. had from nature qualifications for 
becoming an orator, superior to almost any other man of 
his age. In imagination, in suavity of utterance, in pe- 
netration into the sentiments of men, and in the power 



202 EPICS OF THE TON : 

But, gifted thus, why never at the height, 
Where words are power, and eloquence is might ? 
Why do mere talkers to the summit rise, 
While, at the mountain's base, supine he lies ? 

of working upon them, he was equal to either Fox or 
Pitt. Had he improved his great natural parts by the 
species of knowledge possessed by either, and had he 
reached the industry and perseverance even of Fox in 
the pursuit of his objects, neither of them would have 
thrown him into the rank of a star of the second mag- 
nitude. But fancy without knowledge, and eloquence 
without any steady pursuit, will never raise any orator 
to eminence. These shining qualities will only procure 
their owner the mortifying commendation — " what an 
orator he might have been !" 

Line 742.] Great Britain, from its political constitu- 
tion, is the only nation of modern Europe where this 
holds good. However wealth and family influence may 
bear the sway, the first orator in the House of Com- 
mons may always aspire to be the first minister of the 
nation. If the case be otherwise, it is owing more to 
the misconduct of the orator himself, than to his want 
of power. If, indeed, there be two great and rival 
orators, nearly matched, both cannot be at the pinnacle 
of government — but the one will be at the head of the 
opposition, the next station in this country to that of 
Prime Minister. 



THE MALE BOOK. 203 

Alas ! like marsh-born fires that gleam by night, 
He gives no useful heat, no useful light : 746 

While jolly fellows push the claret round, 
And catch and glee, with thrice-three-toasts resound; 
While ladies chat, or dice the vigils keep, 
And one night's watching calls for one day's sleep"; 
No party trust to find him at his post, 751 

Or count to have him when they need him most ; 
Dry business o'er, 'tis then they rest on him 
The soul of ease, good fellowship, and whim. 
A famed light-horseman, when the foes appear, 
To drive the out-posts, or alarm the rear ; 756 
Or, when in mood, with reeking faulchion keen, 
Amidst the first in thickest battle seen ; 
All soothe his wrath, and for his love contend, 
They dread the foe who little prize the friend. 760 

The worst of drudges, yet unfit to lead, 
Nor to the House more punctual than his bed ; 



Line 746.] These meteoric lights emit no heat, and 
their light only serves occasionally to delude travellers 
by night into marshes, from which they may find it dif- 
ficult to escape. 



204 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Forth like the aloe, in a sudden blow, 

Bright as unlook'd for, still a public show, 

His flowers of oratory burst amain, 765 

But close again to blossom God knows when ! 

Careless of place, unapt to win or hold, 
And more solicitous of ease than gold ; 
When his starved friends, who twice ten years had 

found 
No hope, the Treasury's walls beleag'ring round, 
At length the stubborn citadel surprise, 771 

And enter, sword in hand, and fire in eyes ; 
One grasps a shining post, and one makes sure 

Of something snug, a patent sinecure ; 

Tigellius gets what others fail to claim, 775 

Or what they leave him, even through very shame. 
Shut from the cabinet which others reach, 
Without his years, his powers of thought or speech ; 



Line 763.] The American aloe is frequently shown 
in the gardens about London. It blossoms only at dis- 
tant periods 3 and the sight of one in full blossom is suf- 
ficiently rare to attract crowds. The figure appears 
abundantly happy. 



THE MALE BOOK. 205 

Some post unenvied e'en must serve his turn, 
Some place obscure, which C-& — g now would 
spurn. 7 SO 

How oft to age the galling crosses sent, 
Chastise the errors of a youth mispent; 



Line 7 SO.] The public seemed sensible of the cutting 
contumely with which the party ventured to treat the 
most brilliant genius among them, and second in talents 
to Fox alone. Yet he could not complain. He had 
fitted himself for nothing beyond a sinecure ; he was un- 
acquainted with the details of business, and utterly in- 
capable of supporting the labour of it. He therefore 
found it most adviseable to slink into a secondary post, 
where there was scarcely any thing to do, and where he 
should find means of giving one other splendid fete, 

before the final dropping of the curtain. His T rship 

of the N — y was distinguished by two occurrences. 
The one was that brilliant fete of his installation, which 
lasted three days and nights, and which was supposed 
to have consumed at least a moiety of the annual salary. 
The other was the firing of some great guns, which 
made all the town crowd to Whitehall, in hopes of 
hearing the particulars of some important victory : when 
in fact in proved to be only a salute, fired by order of 

the T of the N , in honour of some ladies 

who had accompanied him on a water-party. 
T 



206 EPICS OF THE TON : 

And harshly end, the folly to repair. 
Untimely ease, with more untimely care ! 
With little prudence, and but little toil'd, 785 

O'er plenteous gains Tigellius might have smiled, 
While life as yet was young, and fortune seem'd 
To grant success which others only dream'd : 
But to his grasp no sooner came the hoard, 
Than all was flown to seek another lord ; 790 

Still more required to spend than he could get, 
And no store left him but a store of debt. 
Hence Drury tells of thousands snatch'd away, 
And hapless mimics reft of weekly pay ; 
Of Aaron's rod, a serpent in their eyes, 795 

And of more cause to feed them than chastize j 
How Equity's great chief maintain'd their cause, 
And from the woolsack gave the drama laws. 

Line 795."] This Aaron, although not the brother of 
Moses, is a personage not less formidable to the Egyp- 
tians. His rod is in their eyes a very serpent. It was a 
practical, though rather a biting illustration of that law, 
which includes players among rogues and vagabonds, 
when a police magistrate was made the active manager 
of Drury-Lane. 



THE MALE BOOK. 207 

While some to compass gold all comfort cross, 
Tigellius knows to live without the dross ; 800 

Blest science sure to all whose fund's in doubt, 
Thrice blest to those whose credit's fairly out ! 
Yet things there are which fill the stout with dread, 
And raise a megrim in the soundest head ; 
Even gallant soldiers scarce can use their feet, 805 
While duns and tipstaffs eye them in the street : 
But Britain's statutes, kind to men of spirit, 
Some refuge yet provide for drooping merit ; 
A shrine there is, from duns a safe retreat, 
Nor shut from wit or gold, yclep'd a seat j 810 
This shrine who touches may his cares forego, 
And, owing thousands, nothing seem to owe ; 
Then tradesmen vile, who dare to claim their own, 
Shall, sad, for breach of privilege atone. 

Line 813.] It is necessary to invest all public func- 
tions with certain privileges, in order to render them an 
object of desire. The affairs of the nation would other- 
wise find no one to carry them on, unless a few idle 
persons, who might undertake them for God's sake. That 
privilege, which exempts the members of the House of 
Commons from paying their debts, (for the lords derive 
T 2 



208 EPICS OF THE TON: 

The friend of genius, patron of young worth, 815 
Tigellius might have call'd new Shakspeares forth ; 
With wreathes himself had foster'd, crown'd the 

stage, 
A famed Mecaenas in an iron age. 

"the same exemption from nature) is peculiarly well 
adapted for giving estimation to a seat in that assembly. 
It is unquestionable that he who has to chuse between 
The King's Bench and St. Stephen's Chapel will conceive 
a violent predilection for the latter. Persons also, who 
fly to the Legislature as a sanctuary, must ever be con- 
sidered as best adapted to the public service, having no 
private concerns to manage, and being entirely disen- 
gaged from those cares of wealth which so miserably 
embarrass the public mind. They are in short the men 
to do any thing, to be pleased with any thing ; for any 
thing is better than nothing. Their perseverance is not 
likely to be overcome, nor their courage to be subdued 
by popular clamours : — 

Virtus repulsae nescia sordidas, 

Nee sumit aut ponit secures, 
Arbitrio popularis aurae. 
It is fair that the legislators, who make the laws, should, 
in some instances, exempt themselves from the power 
of these creatures of their own hands. 



THE MALE BOOK. 209 

Alas ! though his to judge, though his to give, 
To public fame, the scenes that ought to live, 820 
To him what genius owns his honours due ? 
Whom has his fost'ring bounty brought to view ? 
The title read, away the paper tost, 
Again unlook'd for, and at length quite lost, 
The fruits of toil, the hopes of youth are thrown, 
While the poor author vents the fruitless moan. 826 



Line 826".] This melancholy truth has been attested 
to me by many instances ; and I may safely assert that 
it is to such conduct the present poverty of dramatic 
genius is almost entirely owing. The negligence with 
which every production of this sort was treated, by the 
manager alluded to, has become proverbial. " O if it 
has got into Mr. S's hands, it will never get out of them," 
every player will tell you with a smile. There is some- 
thing more than a blamable indolence, there is cruelty 
and injustice, in this conduct. Many a young dramatic 
author, whose genius would have given pleasure to the 
public, and brought profit to the theatre, has by this 
means been crushed, and too much dispirited ever to 
resume his labours. A man who, through the mere 
love of ease and dissipation, can act in this manner, 
may be a man of taste and genius, but he certainly 
wants some better qualities, 

T3 



210 EPICS OF THE TON : 

'Twas thus, unhappy Tobin, sunk thy heart, 

With genius gifted, and the poet's art ; 

Thy golden scenes neglected like thyself, 

Were left to moulder on the umpire's shelf; 830 

No praise bestow'd of all so justly due, 

No path vouchsafed to lead thee forth to view ; 

Till Nature, faint,, with wounded Genius fell, 

And waked a patron by the funeral knell ; 

Then came rewards, to thee no longer came, 835 

And fruitless honours shower'd around thy name. 

Line 836.] The fate of poor Tobin, although his 
case was by no means singular, will he a lasting stain on 
the present management of our theatres, particularly 
that theatre to which his plays were offered. He could 
not even succeed in getting his pieces once read by the 
only person, belonging to the theatre, who was capable 
of perceiving their merits. He died at an early age, 
under all the depression of poverty and disappointment. 
The discovery which some persons made, that his pieces 
might be profitable to the theatre, at length procured 
the representation of two of them ; but a third, the 
most interesting of all, was kept back from a paltry ap- 
prehension that it might not be acceptable to a female 

friend of the m- r ! What scandalous trifling with 

genius, both alive and dead ! A jovial dinner with the 
players will never prove this man a friend of the drama 



THE MALE BOOK. 211 

Tigellius is not cruel, harsh, unkind, 
To blast young genius never once design'd j 
In mere good wishes will he yield to none, 
And only fails — when something's to be done. 840 
Nay, sometimes roused, he has been known to aid, 
With active zeal, a brilliant masquerade; 
To puff a Christmas shew into renown, 
Or play a Roscius off upon the town : 
But great occasions only call him forth, 845 

Not common things, like young unfriended worth. 

But night draws on, and darkness hastes to hide 
- Unfruitful talents, genius misapplied ; 

Line 844.] No one in the secret expected that the 
hoax would take to the degree it did. JBut the scheme 
was laid with too deep knowledge of a London audience 
to fail. All the newspapers were engaged ; expectation 
was on the tiptoe ; Fox and Pitt were both to see the 
phenomenon in one night ! The contrivance was admi- 
rable, and the success was accordingly. But the most 
remarkable circumstance was to see the knowing ones 
next winter taken in. Could it be expected that the 
'hoax should not have been found out in a whole twelve- 
month ? What calculations are made on the stupidity of 
mankind ! O caeci homines ! 



212 EPICS OP THE TON .* 

Fame without reverence ; age without respect, 
Doom'd to regret, and sinking to neglect. 850 

Doom'd, after years mispent, to make a show, 
And catch the multitude however low, 
To feel the want of power e'en mobs to move, 
And, at the Hustings, purgatory prove ; 
Enraged, indignant, fill'd with grief and spleen, 
He closes, wretched close ! the heartless scene. 856 

L M . 



While we, my Muse, together ply our art, 
Thou must be honest, or we haste to part ; 
From truth, though bold and rude, thou ne'er must 

swerve, 
Nor sing their praises, who no praise deserve. 860 



Line S5k] Nothing can be a more cruel disappoint- 
ment than for a man, who has devoted his life (I mean 
as far as the love of ease and pleasure would allow him), 
to court popularity, at length to come forward, in full 
confidence, to harangue a great popular assembly, and 
instead of applauses, find himself received with hisses 
and hootings. The poet here calls them purgatory— -he 
might have given them a worse name. 



THE MALE EOOK. 213 

Not for a pension, not a post to win, 
Where most secure my pilfering hands might sin, 
Would I to placemen prostitute my pen, 
Who, rogues in heart, would seem like honest men ; 
Perhaps to some old knave, who power to gain, 865 
Thought vice no shame, and infamy no stain j 
Who, to his patron, courteous left his bed, 
And, by great interest, thought a wife well paid : 
With conscience suited to the varying time, 
Who held no art, that served his ends, a crime :870 
Who stoop'd to flatter those whom least he prized, 
And fawning courted whom he most despised : 
Who on his belly crept, till once in power, 
And then could frown, could threaten, and devour-; 
Who promised much, but little meant to keep, 875 
And opiates knew to lull all fools asleep : 
Who smoothed all parties, every friend caress'd, 
And, those who served his purpose, loved the best : 



Line 868.] " Sed jussa coram non sine concio 
". Surgit marito, seu vocat institor, 
" Dedecorum pretiosus emptor." 

Horace* 



214 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Who look'd on freedom as a tool for knaves, 
And for the people cared as useful slaves : 880 

Who well, by treasury light, in darkness groped, 
And gave, with bounty large, where much he hoped ; 
While fools were after public interest flown, 
One leading interest still pursued — his own : 
Who, cool and fearless, plunged through thick and 
thin, 885 

Nor ever startled, while he could keep in ; 
And bravely spurn'd the spirit of the laws, 
Yet still could plead the letter, or the flaws :— — - 



Line 880.] Liberty has, of late years, been made so 
common a stalking horse for all sorts of villainy, that 
the name has become as odious to many good men, as 
the substance formerly was to such patriots as are here 
described. Nothing could be a more desired consumma- 
tion for the latter. They have no longer any reason to 
be startled at that ancient bug-bear the rights of the 
people : for who will venture to own himself the advo- 
cate of what is known by so hateful an appellation ? 

Line 888.] These loop-holes are admirable provisions 
for saving our men of spirit and prudence from the mer- 
ciless claws of justice. It might be suspected, that our 
legislators, tempering justice with mercy, had this re- 



THE MALE BOOK. 215 

Who valuing virtue just at what 'twould bring, 
Thought private honour a superfluous thing ; 890 
Defied all sacred Lies, through very lust, 
The parent's shame, and friendship's sacred trust ; 

lief in view, by the manner in which our statutes are 
drawn up. It is a question whether two men in the 
House, besides the mover, are actually aware of all the 
clauses which the bill contains ; and as the wording of 
it is committed to some secondary persons, it is ten to 
one if the mover himself recognises distinctly the work 
of his own hands, when it appears in print. Hence acts 
are sometimes produced whose import no sagacity can 
explain, whose incongruities no ingenuity can reconcile. 
Hence the patron of an act, who introduced and con- 
ducted it through all its stages, is sometimes astonished 
to discover in it, clauses which have crept in, God 
knows how, and which are very different from his in- 
tentions. Thus Mr. Windham was obliged, at the Nor- 
folk hustings, to acknowledge that his military bill, 
which he had spent so much time in preparing, actually 
contained a very important provision, which he did not 
know that it contained. But if this extraordinary in- 
stance of public neglect tends to introduce insurmount- 
able perplexity and obscurity into our laws, we may, 
however, comfort ourselves that it exalts the mercy of 
the nation, by the inexhaustible loop-holes it provides for 
malefactors. 



216 EPICS OF THE TON; 

Made the lost matron every sting to feel, 
And scoff d at heaven; and unavenging steel; 
With nameless offspring fill'd the red parades, 895 
And match'd king Solomon in waiting-maids : 
His veins replenish'd with the grape's rich juice, 
Till twice two bottles came a thing of use : 
Who, fond of shew and cost, his treasures pour'd, 
And had at least the virtue not to hoard ; 900 

Till age came griping, and his blood grew cold, 
And Avarice whisper'd of the charms of gold ; 
Then, on the nation's vitals grasping fast, 
He proved a sordid miser at the last. 

Line 89+.] " Avenging steel." Dram, passim. There 
is something in this word of a magical and mystical na- 
ture, as was, a century ago, observed by the author of a 
" Key to the Lock." There is occasionally a word, a 
mere monosyllable, which, though harmless and inno- 
cent in itself, becomes, from certain associations, a very 
spectre to the imagination, and cruelly adheres to it, in 
spite of every effort to shake it off. Even" this little puny 
word steel might, by some such association, become in- 
sufferable ; and a man might be so deeply touched with 
it, that one might say, Steel broke his heart. But let the . 
thought pass. There is a just day of reckoning, when 
every thing hid shall be revealed ! 



THE MALE BOOK. 217 

Far other deeds, my muse, shall swell thy lays, 
To M — 1 — e's worth, a well-earn'd epic raise; 906 
Who, famed for merit, bonour'd for his years, 
Yet young and fresh in Britain's love appears. 
Still true to conscienre, still religion's friend, 
These blest allies uphold him to the end ', 9 10 

To crown his age, more brilliant laurels bring, 
The great defender of the church and king ! 



Line 904.] The concluding trait of the fictitious 
character, which the poet has here drawn, may appear 
inconsistent with those which precede. But such changes 
of disposition do occur in human nature ; and the con- 
firmed libertine and prodigal have been known, at sixty, 
nay at seventy, to begin to gather up the remains of 
their constitution and their fortune. 

Line 9 10.] Nothing can be a stronger testimony that 
temporal retribution often does take place, and that suc- 
cess is no small proof of virtue, than the honours which 
seem, in old age, to await the man, who has through 
life been distinguished for his piety and disinterested 
loyalty. He is now to be considered as the bulwark of 
the church and crown j and we shall, no doubt, speedily 
see him raised to the exaltation he deserves, and rjieeted 
with numerous addresses from all well-disposed persons 
in the kingdom. 

U 



218 EPICS OF THE TON: 

Hail spotless honour ! patriot without fault ! 
Belied, how basely, by a son of malt ! 
Thou, with th' experienced statesman's fearless front, 
Didst scorn for pence and farthings to account ;9 16 
Didst, by thy well-known faith and truth, abide, 
And spurn'd the clamorous herd with proper pride. 
Thy noble peers, men honour'd by their king, 
Men never led by minister in string, 920 

Men never awed by fear, by favour moved, 
Declared thee guiltless of a tale unproved. 
With fame all pure, white-washed by titled hands, 
Arise again, and shine in high commands : 
See Patronage to thee her arms extends, g25 

And on thy footsteps hang a thousand friends. 

Line £)l6\] Pence and farthings appear to be here 
substituted for ten thousand pounds ; but the difference 
between them is scarcely perceptible in the present great 
scale' of our national disbursements. The demand for 
an account of this paltry sum was mean and imperti- 
nent : the answer was dignified and worthy of the 
speaker — that he would give no account of it. 

Line 910.] " What shall be done unto the man whom 
the king honours ?" Esther. 



THE MALE BOOK. 21 9 

Behold thy native Scotia hastes to meet, 
And strew her trophies at thy honour'd feet ; 
That generous land, where self is quite forgot, 
And none, for interest, every framed a plot ; 930 
Whose sons, to serve thee, felt the purest glow, 
Nor recollected what thou couldst bestow ; 
Nor, for their voices, touch 'tl official whets, 
Nor thought of India, writers, and cadets : 



Line 930.] The character of Sir Pertinax Mac Syco- 
phant is evidently a base caricature, intended to traduce 
a people famed for liberality and disinterestedness. Who 
could have been the prototype of Sir Pertinax ? 

Line 933.] Official whets seem to indicate a mere 
tasting of the good things, which only serves to sharpen 
the appetite, and to increase the desire of the dainties. 

Line 934.] Snug little things for the son of a free- 
holder of some influence. It is certain that these sort 
of things are unknown or despised in Scotland, as you 
may learn on entering the first street in Calcutta, where 
it is ten to one but the first Hindostanee you hear is 
broad Scotch. The young expectants of that nation 
swarm on the shores of the Ganges like so many 
jackalls : — 

" Millia qnot magnis numquam venere Mycenis." 



220 EPICS OF THE TON : 

That pious land, where saints affect their kind, 935 
And find thy saintly virtues to their mind ! 
Her willing votes shall now adorn thy train, 
The lowly pages of thy latter reign ; 

The sixteen peers, changed S k at their head, 

By thee in triumph to St. Stephen's led ; 940 

Line £)36\] The Scottish nation are so eminently at- 
tached to the moral and religious virtues, that no man, 
of whatever station, is honoured among them, whose 
piety and morality are not irreproachable. From this 
l ircumstance alone, we might consider it as indisputable 
that these virtues reside in the highest degree, in the 
>tatesman who is honoured with their favour. Whore- 
mongers, adulterers, drunkards, liars, are perpetually 
declaimed against from their pulpits, and spoken of with 
abhorrence in their private societies. The statesman, 
therefore, whom they receive with unbounded acclama- 
tions, and who passes through their country in triumph, 
admired and caressed by all ranks and ages, must, of 
course, be entirely free from even a suspicion of the 
vices which they seem most to detest. We may there- 
fore pronounce him to be, or\ the testimony of the 
Scottish nation, in all respects, 

Integer vita; icelerisque purus . 

Line 939-1 A book, to which this young peer's name 
was prefixed, gave promise of considerable talents : — 



THE MALE EOOK. 221 

And, forty commoners, thy nod awaiting, 
Thou leav'st the five to L — d — d — e and S — t — n. 

No impious acts thy loyal sway should stain, 
The fiend-like negro should resume his chain : 



the accomplishment has yet to come. It was, however, 
a well-timed revenge which he took on his party for 
their neglect, to fall a kicking just as their backs were 
turned. It is to be hoped that his new friends will be 
more politic than to overlook his merits j for they also, 
in the course of things, may present a kicking oppor- 
tunity. 

Line 944-.] The author has here allowed his imagi- 
nation to outrun the reality. The negro has not his 
■ chain to resume, for it is not yet shaken off. The im- 
portation only has been prohibited ; and fortunately this 
destructive measure has as yet produced no harm. It 
cannot be doubted that speedy measures will be taken to 
prevent its baneful tendency. Should there not, the 
dreadful effects will soon appear : the "West India colo- 
nies will be left desolate ; the negroes, who might have 
been saved by purchase, v/ill be slaughtered in thousands 
on their own shores ; a terrible judgment will overtake 
those who impiously annihilate the eternal distinction, 
which the Almighty has established between white men 
and negroes ; and the curse of Ham will be extended 
over the whole human race ! ! 
u 3 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



No mad reformer then for dreams should fight, 9-45 
But learn to own whatever is is right ; 
Nor fierce Inquiry, with its' senseless pother, 
One corner search, and slily pass another : 



Line <H6\] I believe the question of Parliamentary 
Reform, which kept the mob in a roar for half a century, 
is now pretty well laid to rest. That the object is un- 
attainable has been as clearly demonstrated, as that 
those who seemed most to pursue it wished for nothing 
so little as to be successful. While out of power, in- 
deed, all parties, with Pitt and Fox at their head, were 
equally eager in pressing this measure : but which of 
them, when in, ever stirred a foot in the affair. Pitt, it 
is true, did avow that his sentiments continued the same : 
but the unhappy Premier was left in a minority, and the 
measure was afterwards found to be totally inconsistent 
with existing circumstances. What should the members 
of the House of Commons have to do in altering the 
present state of the elective franchise ? Would not the 
man be accounted crazy, who should break down his 
inclosures, and throw open his fields and orchards to 
every man and beast who travelled the way ? 

Line 948.] The public are sadly mistaken if they 
ever expect any good from these same Commissions of 
Inquiry. Who will ever read the voluminous reports of 
the Naval Commissioners ? Or, if he does read them, 



THE MALE BOOK. 223 

All other commerce Britain's fleets should blast, 
And rear the broom conspicuous at the mast ; 950 
On solitary seas, her flags unfurl'd, 
Should awe, chastise, and prey upon the world. 



who will ever profit by them ? The hubbub excited 
about the transactions in the Tenth Report, is sufficient 
to show the views, the wisdom, and the probable suc- 
cess of the whole affair. Ask either the old Navy 
Board, or the present Admiralty, what dependence is to 
be placed on these reports j and you will learn to what 
purpose some thousands of the national money have been 
yearly expended in salaries to Naval Commissioners. 
What set of Commissioners ever brought to light the 
abuses of their own party ? 

Line 952.] The relaxation of the Navigation Act is 
a crime so enormous against the prosperity of our coun- 
try, that it will be disgraceful lenity if the advisers of 
such a measure escape condign punishment. What can 
be more evident than that Great Britain must grow 
poor,- if her neighbours grow rich ? than that she must 
be idle, if the others be industrious ? Is it not plain that 
if a farmer suffers his neighbour's fences to grow, and 
does not take timely measures to destroy them, they 
may soon overtop and eclipse his own ? Is it not equally 
plain, that if Great Britain allow her neighbours to get 
eommerce and shipping, they may soon have as rich 



224 EPICS OF THE TON : 

New coalitions then should send afar, 
Their well-paid shouts, and give the hopes of War ; 
The conquer'd states feel restive in the chain, 955 
And Bonaparte require a new campaign. 



and numerous fleets on the ocean as herself? Deceitful 
counsels ! Ruinous moderation ! When the other mari- 
time nations shall become industrious and rich, possessed 
of an active commerce and numerous ships, then, Bri- 
tain, thy glory has reached its close ! But let us trample 
on such bloodless, such timid, and unpatriotic sugges- 
tions. Let us guard, with tenfold care, those Naviga- 
tion laws by which we have flourished : Let us burn, 
sink, and destroy the vessels of every power which pre- 
sumes to encroach upon our exclusive rights : Let us 
prevent the accumulation of capital, the excitement of 
enterprise, the increase of shipping, in the maritime 
towns of all other nations : While we persevere in this 
system,, what power shall cope with us ? What enemy 
shall contest the empire of the seas ? Every shore shall 
be within the dominion of Britain, and ages unborn 
shall hail her as the sovereign of the ocean. 

Line 956-1 The incalculable advantages, which this 
country has derived from continental coalitions, prove 
the criminal blindness of those who have disgusted our 
allies by refusing them subsidies corresponding with 
their demands. From some hints which have been 



THE MALE BOOK. 225 

But, far o'er all things prized, sublime and pure, 
The royal conscience then should reign secure : 
The hopeless papist through a length of years, 
Should still atone "his Church's crimes with tears ; 
Should taxes pay, by insult reimbursed, 96 1 

Should fight unhonour'd, and should fall accurs'd : 
While, fenced around, like Britain's sea-girt shore, 
That church divine which all the good adore, 96-I 
That church where, only, men for heaven are bred, 
Should bless its son, and raise its tow'ring head. 

Go on, great chief! thy destinies pursue, 
Still, to the last, thy life's great ends in view ; 
Thy public virtues with thy private pair, 
Our rights and morals still thine equal care. 970 
Around thy name th' unfading wreathe shall blow, 
And deathless fame the wond'ring muse bestow ; 

thrown out, it is abundantly plain that this absurd policy 
will undergo a speedy amelioration. New and vast coa- 
litions will be formed and precipitated against the com- 
mon foe of mankind. Bonaparte may look to himself: 
it will cost him another campaign. 

Line 966. ] Its son ? What church can the poet mean ? 



EPICS OF THE TON: 



Thy hope fulfill'd, to live in history's page, 
And give a lesson to a future age ; 
Thy deeds more coolly weigh'd, more clearly known. 
By patriot sires shall to their sons be shown ; 976 
Then shalt thou gain, when no false hues pervert, 
The reputation due to thy desert. 

L E . 



When Rome, for virtue once renown'd, became 
Renown'd for crimes, for deeds of lasting shame ; 
When Freedom spread her golden lures in vain, 981 
And left a recreant race to hug the chain ; 
When vice, at noon-day, rear'd the head on high, 
And mock'd the tardy vengeance of the sky ; 
Pure and unstain'd, amidst a guilty land, 985 

The law's great chiefs were seen sublime to stand ; 



Line 973.] It is said that this venerable statesman has 
always entertained a fond expectation of making a con- 
spicuous figure in the page of history. His hopes will 
not be disappointed. When the annals of Britain for 
the last twenty years are recorded, he certainly will not 
be forgotten. 

Line 9S6\] This fact, so honourable to the profession 



THE MALE BOOK. 227 

O'er prostrate virtue spread their awful shield, 
And 'gainst corruption still maintain'd the field. 

Thus while the victor every land subdued, 
Proud, o'er his power, indignant Cato stood ; 990 
Saw Ctesar's arms an abject world controul, 
And fix'd the throne of freedom in his soul. 

Thus, while around the base of Andes, rage 
The torrents vast, and warring winds engage ; 
While fell tornadoes hold their tyrant reign, 995 
And sudden ruin desolates the plain ; 
Still, all unmoved, the tranquil summits show 
Their spotless garments of eternal snow ; 
Like nature's vast foundations fix'd they seem, 
Nor feel the wint'ry wind, or summer's beam. 1000 



of the law, has attracted the peculiar observations of the 
historian. After the monarchs of Rome were degene- 
rated into monsters of cruelty and profligacy ; after the 
nobles were sunk into the grossest debauchery ; after 
the priesthood were distinguished only by a remains of 
superstition ; after the people were the most abject and 
profligate of slaves j still the tribunals were occupied by 
men who might have graced a better age. Even in the 
days of Justinian and Theodora, the lawyers of Con- 
Ktantinople might have honoured the republic of Rome. 



228 EPICS OF THE TON*. 

And thus, while here Corruption easts a gloom, 
The fate of Britain like the fate of Rome ; 
While titled Vice triumphant rears the head, 
And Avarice thrives, and lust defiles the bed ; 
Our law's great guardians still their fame maintain, 
Without suspicion as without a stain. 1006 

No paltry bribes, Dishonour's sordid spoil, 
Pervert their judgments, and their hands defile ; 
For rights invaded, when redress is sought, 
The injur'd finds not that the judge is bought ; 1010 
For crimes no base impunities are sold, 
No villain feels protected by his gold : 
And while our annals every vice describe, 
This age shall own no judge who took a bribe. 



Line 1014-.] The corruption of judges, by bribes from 
the parties who come before them, is a thing, so un- 
known in our age, that the suspicion of it never enters 
into the head of the most suspicious. Yet two hundred 
years have not passed, since eminent men were degraded 
from the highest stations in the law for this mean and 
infamous vice. Here is certainly an amelioration, of 
which it would be an agreeable task to develope the 
causes : But the length of a note dees not permit a full 



THE MALE BOOK. 229 

Blest is the land, whose judges thus preside, 1015 
Pure as Golconda's gems, or gold thrice-tried ; 
Whom solid learning from false views protects, 
Whom justice guides, and wisdom still directs : 
For worth selected and for knowledge famed, 
Nor moved by passion, nor by party claim'd; 10-20 
Who scorn all arts which Virtue holds unmeet, 
Nor rise by faction to the judgment seat; 
To every party equal favour own, 
And view alike the subject and the throne; 
Nor rank or power permit to blind their sight, 1025 
Nor heed a star unless the star of right ; 
No bias to the court or people feel, 
But, just to all, an equal measure deal. 

Thrice honour 'd is the judge, whose mind serene 
Looks calm and solemn on the passing scene; 1030 
Who, all for justice, spurns at meaner things, 
The shouts of mobs, or flattering smiles of kings ; 
Who, cool and firm, the law's behest conveys, 
Nor, on the bench, one passion e'er betrays ; 

inquiry into a subject, which it would be improper to 
deface by a mutilated discussion. 
X 



230 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Untouch'd by hope, and never moved by fear, 1035 
Eschew'd by faction, to the nation dear, 
The bad respect him, and the good revere. 

While Britain's upright judges swell the lays, 
Let Britain's king participate the praise ; 
Who, from his crown, a brilliant greatly tore, 10J0 
And gave his people what his fathers wore ; 
Bade the undaunted judge his tenor hold, 
And justice pass her sentence uncontroul'd. 



Line 1043.] It was an instance of patriotism in a 
king, never to be forgotten, when his present majesty, 
at his accession, renounced for himself and his succes- 
sors for ever, the power of displacing the judges at the 
commencement of a new reign. Such a voluntary sa- 
crifice of a prerogative, however unprofitable to the 
possessor, has rarely been made by the most virtuous 
sovereigns. While the judges of the common law are, 
by this last concession, rendered wholly independent of 
the fluctuation of political parties, it must be a matter 
of wonder and regret, that the supreme judge in equity, 
who in many instances controuls all the others, should 
hold his office entirely by the precarious tenure of party. 
If the independence of judges be a benefit, this is an evil 
of the first magnitude. If it be allowed that the vane- 
gated duties of the Lord Chancellor are more than any 



THE MALE BOOK. 231 

Hence, by his people's love, of mightier sway, 
He gains in power by what he gave away: 1045 
So, the glad hind, when past his furrowing toil, 
Bestows his golden treasures on the soil ; 
So the rich harvest, which around him- pours, 
Repays, an hundred fold, his lavish'd stores. 

While thus to independence proudly raised, 1050 
O may no wayward end, no wish debased, 
E'er tempt our laws' great guardians to forego 
The noblest boon which freedom can bestow. 
O may they ne'er, by false ambition led, 
Cabals enkindle, or a faction wed ; 1055 



one man can fulfil, why then delay to remedy at once 
so many evils, by simply separating his functions ? Let 
the patronage and the political station be attached to 
the speaker of the House of Lords, and let his office be 
an ample boon for the active partizans of each successful 
faction. Bat let the supreme judge of our courts of 
equity be fixed in his station for life. Let him enjoy 
that full independence which is given to every other 
iudge : let no avocation, but the complicated business 
of that function, occupy his mind : Let neither hope nor 
fear distract his attention, or hold out even the slightest 
temptation to swerve from the plain line of his duty, 
x 2 



232 EPICS OF THE TON : 

From thirst of power, their station's boast forsake^ 
And with a party's hopes and terrors shake ; 
To little plots, and court-intrigues descend, 
And, with th' obsequious council, humbly bend ; 
Sell reputation for a crumb of power, 1060 

And years of honour for a courtly hour ; 
Be sworn the special servants of the throne, 
Nor more th' impartial umpire's title own ; 
Should king and people for some right contend, 
The people's foe be held, the monarch's -friend; 1065 
From strong debates, in every passion's heat, 
Confused and troubled mount the judgment seat ; 
While anxious suitors view the scene with awe, 
And wish mad politics disjoin'd from law. 

Most in the judge, true dignity requires 1070 
Consistent views, and well-controul'd desires ; 



Line IO69.] It is to be lamented that they have not 
always been disjoined, and that any precedent to the 
contrary should be found in our history. That the 
judge should be entirely independent both of the crown 
and the people, that he should be agitated, in the exer- 
cise of his office, by no motives of hope or fear, is al- 
lowed to be essential to the pure administration of jus- 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Each devious course that might suspicion breed, 
And even the semblance shun'd, of erring deed. 



tice. Our laws, as they have been ameliorated in his 
present Majesty's reign, have made complete provision 
for securing this inestimable benefit to the nation, in re- 
gard to the judges of the common law. It is to be la- 
mented that private views should ever so far interfere 
with the public good, as to render this provision nuga- 
tory. It is to be lamented that any judge should ever 
enlist himself under the banners of party, or contract a 
dependence on the crown and its ministers. It is not 
merely in the causes in which the king and the subject 
are directly engaged, that such a connection as this may 
produce a dangerous bias in his judgment : his party, 
the members of the administration with whom he acts, 
may have their private quarrels with the subject ; they 
may have been galled by animadversions, and may pro- 
secute for libel. On such an occasion, who would not 
tremble to ccme before a tribunal where a partizan pre- 
sided ? Perhaps, indeed, his conscience, his honour, 
might overpower every improper suggestion even in such 
trying contingencies : but no purity could free him from 
suspicion: and it is necessary that a judge, like a virgin, 
should avoid even to be suspected. But why leave a cir- 
cumstance of such vast importance at the mercy of indi., 
vidual ambition ? Why not provide, by positive statute, 
that no judge shall hold any ostensible relation to the crown ? 
X 3 



234 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Sedate, impartial, still-collected, cool, 
Ambitious only o'er himself to rule; 1075 

Join'd to no faction; midst the loyal found; 
Yet nothing more to king than people bound ; 
Averse alike to lord it, or to drudge, 
The judge's noblest office is to judge. 

L R . 

On nose of pig, how odd the diamond ring, 1080 
How odd on Harlequin, the crest of king; 
Strange smart bandeau on wrinkled front appears, 
Strange flush sixteen conjoin'd to sixty years ; 

It may be said that this would restrict the sovereign in the 
choice of his servants — True — but then it would only 
prevent him from employing those whom he ought not 
to employ,-those whom his own welfare and the welfare of 
his people require to be strictly debarred from any pecu- 
liar connection with his service. The office of a judge 
in our courts of law is no sinecure. His duties, if pro- 
perly discharged, are sufficient to occupy the whole at- 
tention of any one man. If he is also to be involved in 
the complicated discussion of the important topics which 
continually press upon the attention of our ministers,, 
some duty must necessarily be left undischarged. 



THE MALE BOOK. 235 

Yet not more strange, more odd than this accord, 
My Lady she, and he — sweet heavens ! my Lord. 

Were titles used to set the stamp on worth, 1086 
Not given to knaves, to fools, to gold, or birth ; 
Then might the peer our willing homage claim, 
And stars be held certificates of fame. 
Still as the chariot pass'd the streets along, 1090 
Caught by its coronet, the crowds would throng ; 
Assured to find one mark'd for public care, 
A Wolfe, a Chatham, or a Nelson there. 

But when the star, a hundred times to one, 
Seems on its wond'rous wearer placed through fun ; 
A thing, by dext'rous valet, made a beau, 1096 
Within a vacuum, and without a show : — 
Or rake, in body worn, in mind a drivel, 
By leading silly women to the devil :— 



Line 1096*.] When some one reproached Buchanan 
that he had made nothing of his royal pupil, King 
James, but a mere pedant, the preceptor phlegmatically 
replied, " it was a wonder he had made so much of 
him." The same reply might be justly uttered by many 
a valet who has trimmed out his titled master into an in- 
ordinate fop. 



236 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Or jockey, both in outside, and in heart, 1100 

Who, in the stable, acts his proper part : — 

Or bully gamester, careless of his heirs," 

Who all, 'twixt pharo and the brothel, shares: — 



Line 10.QQ.] It is a curious remark that Fielding, 
wherever he introduces a lord into his novels, always 
makes him noted for this particular species of dissipation. 
Fielding is allowed to have understood human nature. 
When men have attained all the objects of ambition, 
without any exertion on their part, it is natural enough 
for them to set about gratifying, in the fullest manner, 
those uneasy appetites which still refuse to let them rest. 

Line 1101.] It has now become a matter of fashion 
to render the peer as indistinguishable from the coach- 
man as possible. They wear the same dress, swear the 
same oaths, are often seen in the stable and on the 
coach-box together ; and, in short, are, to all appear- 
ance, exactly of the same fraternity. Nay, the coach- 
man is frequently seen to occupy the place of my lord 
in the curricle, by the side of my lady ; and, in truth, 
is at times not the least proper man of the two. It was 
observed, by a celebrated Scottish Philosopher, that, in a 
few centuries, the progeny of the man in the chariot, and 
of the man on the coach-box, change places. The present 
customs will probably render the rotation frequently 
much more speedy. 



THE MALE BOOK. 237 

Or cit ambitious, who, by Madam fired, 
From Lombard -street to western spheres retired: 1105 
Gave sumptuous dinners, and the best of wine, 
And lords and ladies got in crowds to dine ; 
Threw ancient great ones quite into the shade, 
And fill'd the papers with a masquerade ; 
Turn'd glum vice-hunters to a public jest, 1 1 10 

And had the honour of a royal guest ; 



Line 1 108.] This is a terrible and daily increasing 
hardship. The monied aristocracy is continually gaining 
ground upon the aristocracy of birth : the sons of sugar 
barrels and rum puncheons, on the sons of steel caps 
and lacquer'd doublets. The case of the sufferers by 
this intolerable grievance is truly distressing, for their 
adversaries have acquired such a footing in the parlia- 
ment itself, that they have little reason to expect an act 
for their relief. 

Line 1110.] My readers will recollect an attempt at 
a great fashionable party, to turn those narrow-minded 
zealots, those enemies of every thing gay and gallant, 
the Society for the Suppression of Vice, into open ridi- 
cule. At the same time it was in contemplation to 
travesty the coronation of Bonaparte. This was taking 
the appropriate revenge on two objects of terror. It is 
usual for persons of a certain character to take every op- 



238 EPICS OF THE TON : 

With endless banquets, mighty interest caught, 
And thus, full-arm'd, the Premier s favour sought ; 
The languid Premier, sick and much perplex'd, 
Some mirth required to ease a spirit vex'd, 1115 
Resolv'd, with one loud laugh, his ills to chear, 
Refreshed his lungs, and made the cit a Peer ! — 



portunify, when they safely can, of attempting to con- 
ceal their fears by ridiculing those objects which most 
excite them. With what satisfaction does an atheist 
disburthen himself among a stubborn club of free- 
thinkers ? 

Line 11 17-] Pitt was a Commoner, the son of the 
Great Commoner : I never could find reason to think 
that he had any desire to exalt the peerage. He came 
into power in direct opposition to the great aristocracy, 
nor did they ever rank among his adherents. The houses, 
most distinguished for their antiquity and grandeur— 
those of Howard, Percy, Cavendish, and Russell, stood 
forth among his firm and constant antagonists, ft does 
not seem improbable that he was sufficiently willing to 
mortify those whom he could not reconcile ; and to show 
his superiority to titles, by the lavish hand with which 
he strewed them among persons who had little claim to 
them but his favour. The extension of exclusive privi- 
leges, by his numerous creations, was well calculated to 



THE MALE BOOK. 239 

Say, shall we kneel to titles thus bestow'd, 
And, like th' Egyptians, hail the calf a god ? 
With toads, asps, onions, ornament the shrine, 1 120 
And reptiles own, and pot-herbs, things divine ? 
Yet, though we join the laugh, or fume with 
spleen ; 
When once two hundred years have roll'd between, 
When filtering ages shall the blood refine, 
And time enrich the juices, like old wine ; 1125 
Even such a baron's sons shall boast aloud, 
What ancient honours raise them o'er the crowd ; 



make the distinctions of little account, and to bring 
peers and commoners to a level. Nor does he appear to 
have ever repented of this policy, if we may judge from 
the peers, whom he left, at his departure, in embryo. 

Line 1121.] The Egyptians carried their whimsical 
superstitions farther than any other nation. Their prin- 
cipal god, Apis, was adored in the likeness of a calf j 
and even certain reptiles and vegetables ranked among 
their objects of worship. The poet seems to have great 
objections to the rites of the Egyptians, and would 
therefore probably have no inclination to join the colony 
which we are about to send to that country. 



240 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Their clustering lineage on a tree display, 

And look contempt on creatures of a day 5 

Shall hire skill'd heralds to adorn their line, 1130 

And, for their mighty founder, virtues coin ; 

Perhaps the merchant to the camp translate, 

Or make him shine the leader of the state ; 

To prove his worth, a jest-won title bring, 

And dub him hence the favourite of his king ; 1 133 

Since he and Nelson bore an equal name, 

Hold he and Nelson were alike in fame ! 



Line 1 131.] A most usual practice. Vide any Peer- 
age or family pedigree. 

Line 1137.] The conclusion is not unnatural, and by 
no' means seems to justify the indignation with which 
the poet treats it. If men receive equal rewards, it 
agrees with our natural sense of justice to suppose that 
their merits were nearly upon a level. When two per- 
sons receive the title of Baron, a distinction much 
valued, can there be any thing extravagant in imagining 
that their deserts, if not of the same nature, were at 
least nearly of the same magnitude ? Here, I maintain, 
there is nothing absurd in theory : but, indeed, if the 
poet should press me to particular instances, and urge 
me to observe the comparative merits of Baron Nelson 



THE MALE BOOK. 241 

O had my name indeed superior shone, 
With titles graced by merit fairly won, 
How should my soul revolt from such allies ! 1140 
How such compeers my swelling heart despise ! 
How should I rave, the period to foresee, 
When rank'd with such my name and worth 

should be ; 
And all the persons titled in one year, 
Of equal merit, equal deeds appear! 1145 

No — to my grave my title should descend, 
And all my honours, with the winner, end ; 
No scoundrel son should hold them up to scorn, 
And make his country blush to see them worn : 
No lying herald of a distant age, 1150 

Some fellow lordling to my side engage, 
Some rake, some booby, something most despised^ 
And hold our deeds and titles equalized ! 

But, mighty baron, cease thine anxious fears, 
'Tis but a poet plucks thee by the ears : 1 155 



of the Nile, and I P T , I must even 

allow him to vent himself in his own way. 



242 EPICS OF THE TON : 

Thou, at court galas, still a peer shalt trip, 
And still thy lady be her ladyship; 
Still o'er thy house, the coronet be shown, 
And still thy chariot for a lord's be known ; 
Poor vulgar satire by the great be scorn 'd, 1 160 
And men like thee, by titles still adorn'd : 
Then pluck up spirit, base plebeians d — n, 
And show thyself the Baron R m. 



of H- 



How sweet is mercy in the mighty V breast ! 
How human kindness decks the warrior's crest ! 1 165 
How noble they who might in fields have shone, 
And conquer'd many, yet have conquer'd none ! 

Then be those chiefs renovvn'd, unknown to roam, 
Who gild the gay parade, and shine at home : 
Who martial etiquette supremely know, 11 70 

And fit their soldiers for a gallant show. 
No scenes they meditate, at which the heart 
Of soft humanity would shudd'ring start ; 
Stout youths alive embowel'd by a bullet, 
Or stuck on bayonet like spitted pullet ; 1175 



THE MALE BOOK. 24$ 

Fresh limbs dissever'd from the bleeding stumps, 
Heads from the shoulders, bodies from the rumps ; 
Bones mash'd to jelly, fields with corpses spread, 
And dying groans among the heaps of dead ; 
The conflict fierce, where death and fury glow, 1 180 
Or the drear banquet of the carrion crow : — 
Such scenes, to scare the heart, and stun the head, 
Ne'er tempt the gentle chiefs of gay parade. 

Them, sights more human, guiltless deeds invite, 
When wheeling through Hyde Park their squadrons 
bright ; 1 1 85 

The long straight front, extending far and wide. 
Where no false curves the Serjeant's pains deride ; 
The cap smart-cock'd, the well-chalk'd belt so 

clean, 
The arms where spot of rust was never seen ; 
The tight-drawn stock, the hair in tasty tie, 11 90 
Heads dress'd, and breasts advanced to meet the eyej 
The smart clear wheel, where all, like spokes, go 

round. 
Nor one behind, behind the rest, is found ; 



EPICS OP THE TON : 



The clever shoulder, and the firm advance, 
And arms presented, with a clap, at once ; 1 195 
Atjire! one full round roar to charm the ear, 
With no pop, pops, harsh sputtering in the rear: 



Line 1195.] This is a movement on which more 
time is spent by the drill-serjeant than on nearly all the 
movements of priming and loading. I need scarcely add 
that it is entirely useless, unless to place the soldiers in 
a showy attitude, when the general makes his appear- 
ance at a Review. I will refer it to any candid military 
man, whether one half of the time of exercise is not 
usually devoted to this, and a few other motions, all 
equally useless in the day of action ? But I forget the 
spirit of my author — he is praising the discipline of 
those soldiers who are fitted for the parade only ; and, 
in this point of view, such motions are of course the 
most important of all. 

Line 1197.] This article, of discharging all the mus- 
kets of a platoon at exactly the same instant, so as that 
the whole shall form one full incorporated sound, is an- 
other circumstance on which infinite pains and time are 
bestowed. It certainly produces a very delectable im- 
pression on the bye-standers at a review ; "and more 
powder is annually spent in bringing men to perfection in 
it, than might contribute in no small degree to furnish 
the magazines for a campaign. But I never heard that 



THE MALE BOOK. 245 

The columns, like glued figures soak'd in starch, 
On wire-work strangely moved at sound of march ! 
The furious charge, where thousand foes might fall, 
And the brave rally at the great park wall ; 1201 
A cloudless atmosphere and summer's day, 
To sport the warriors and attract the gay ; 
While crowding fair ones, in a brilliant row, 
With tender tremors view the martial show, 1205 
And cling more closely to th' intrepid beau. 
In fields like these, none wounded and none slain, 
How pure is war, how pleasant a campaign ! 

Nor think these bands to bear no hardship made, 
To bear great hardships is the soldier's trade. 1210 
Look at their chins, and say if 'tis no ill 
To hold their necks so straight, so stiff, so still ? 
Look at their legs, which knee-high gaiters pinch, 
Their tight-screw'd thighs, and say wouldst thou 

not flinch ? 
Now their smart crops the scissars close assail,1215 
Now their heads labour with a load of tail ; 



this nicety is deemed of the least importance in actual 
battle. 

y 3 



240 EPICS OF THE TON t 

Now, not one hair the close-shaved visage wears, 
Now vile mustachoes turn the men to bears : 
Small may those hardships seem to men of blood,. 
Who daily wade the marsh, or stem the flood ; 
Who, all night long, and supperless, must lie 1221 
Beneath the shroud of a December sky ; 
And find at morn their hair to earth congeal'd, 
When loud alarums wake them for the field : 
But oft the ills, which men most trivial deem, 1225 
More keenly wound than such as mightier seem ; 
Nor is a bruise, or cancer, worse to bear, 
Than pease in shoes, or pin upright in chair. 
Thus the tame Sepoy, whose obedient hand 
Our banners floated o'er his native land ; 1230 

Who, in our cause, Death's fellest forms could view, 
And brave the scorching sun, and blasting dew ; 
When forced by some great chief, of skill revered, 
In cut unknown to shape his cap and beard, 
His darling fashions with cold steel defended, 1285 
Till trembling wisecap his decrees amended. 

Line l?3o\] It is to be seen whether those valiant 
enquirers into abuses, who have held out such magni- 



THE MALE BOOK. 247 

Nor think our youngling chiefs, by smarter swords 
And ep'lets, known for military lords, 



iicent promises to their constituents at the present elec- 
tions, will endeavour to bring to light the authors of the 
late military commotions, which threaten to shake our 
empire in India to the foundation. We have there large 
bodies of native troops, who, under European officers, 
have fought battles with a bravery scarcely inferior to 
the natives of Great Biitain. They have been uniformly 
obedient and loyal ; and the only peculiar favour, which 
they have claimed, is to be indulged in a few harmless 
customs, which they regard wilh veneration ; their 
dress, their food, the fashion of their hair and beards. 
One is astonished that persons of common understand- 
ing should wantonly interfere with things so indifferent 
in themselves, so highly valued by the native troops. 
But the thirst of tyrannizing, for the mere purpose of 
displaying one's power, got the better of every consi- 
deration of wisdom, policy, and humanity. The Sepoys 
were doomed to have their dress formed in a particular 
fashion, and to wear their beards according to orders ! 
A mutiny was the consequence — the inevitable, the 
proper consequence of this ridiculous tyranny. It is said 
to have been subdued, that tranquillity is completely re- 
stored — by abandoning the measure. It may be so : but 
a distrust and animosity have been excited in the breasts 
of the native troops, which will not so soon be eradi- 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Are inexperienced in the feats of war, 
Though never cradled in Bellona's car. 



cated. What is still worse, the Sepoys have learnt that 
our generals may be intimidated, and that a resolute 
mutiny is the way to attain their objects. I am mistaken 
if this is not the most fatal blow which our Indian em- 
pire has ever received. Nor is it to be imagined that 
this is the first and only act of the same wanton oppres- 
sion, which has been exercised towards the Sepoys : 
this was only one which appeared so detestable as to call 
for the last resistance, and which attracted peculiar at- 
tention, from the number of troops collected together at 
Vellore. Many similar orders, so rash and absurd as 
almost to exceed belief, have been issued ; but generally 
revoked in time to prevent very notorious consequences. 
Who could believe that a general officer actually gave 
orders that all the native regiments, in a particular go- 
vernment, should go to church ! Yet such orders were 
issued j and revoked only at the earnest remonstrances 
of an inferior officer, who represented that the attempt 
to enforce them would produce immediate rebellion. 
Such dreadful blunders proceed, in a great measure, 
from the practice of sending out, to high commands in 
India, officers who are totally unacquainted with the 
customs and feelings of the natives, and who are unable 
to form any estimate of their prejudices and habits. No 
officer, except those bred according to the rules of the 



THE MALE BOOK. J4Q 

At midnight, oft behold a chosen band 
Enact great wonders with a mighty hand ; 
Appear, in proper garments, fierce Macbeth, 
Attd hear of crowns from witches on the heath ; 
A valiant Julius scorn his wife's mean tears, 1245 
A Barbarossa blast the foe with fears; 
A very Rolla shield his honour'd king, 
And bear off Cora's child with wond'rous swing. 
Yet though of martial lore these schools, confined, 
Train but the spirits of a nobler kind ; 1250 

Think not the rest untutor'd for the field, 
While their brave lessons oft courts-martial yield. 
Here, train'd to frown, to threaten, and command, 
And deal his orders with a sovereign hand, 



Company's Service, and who have been stationed many 
years in India, are fit to be entrusted with the command 
of the native troops. 

Line 1243.] These military theatrical academies have 
already called forth some animadversions. They seem 
calculated to produce graceful parade officers ; and what 
more is accounted necessary for the perfection of the 
military character ? 



250 EPICS OF THE TON : 

The bantling chieftain, with ascending eye, 1255 
Confounds the tall grown man of six feet high j 
Commands the halberts in a direful tone, 
And bids the drummer bare him to the bone ; 
Sees, in the welling gore, the lash embrued, 
And grows courageous from the sight of blood. 

O warriors worthy of a Briton's name! 1261 
O born to fill the world with deeds of fame ! 



E of C- 



Did Nature second monarchs' grand designs, 
And shower her gifts on some peculiar lines ; 
Shed wit and worth where honours first were shed, 
And save great wisdom for the titled head ; 1266 

Line 1'J60.] Sir Robert Wilson, and other military 
writers, have so amply disclosed the frequency and con- 
sequences of these courage-making exhibitions, that any 
further encomium would be unnecessary. Our militia 
regiments are said to carry this, as well as other parts of 
discipline, to the greatest perfection. In the event of a 
peace, the disbanded subalterns will find great encou- 
ragement as overseers of West India plantations, being 
already thoroughly versed in the whole business of ne- 
gro-driving. 



THE MALE BOOK. 251 

Then might the chiefs be found, without debate, 
Who best could lead our armies, guide the state ; 
Then might the Knight to some small post pretend, 
The lordly Baron to command ascend ; 1270 

The mightier Viscount to the Earl should bow, 
The Earl himself the Marquis' claims allow ; 
The Duke almost be fittest for all things, 
And Princes only less adroit than Kings. 

Then should we mourn no military lord, 1275 
With all the soldier center'd in his sword ; 
No peer in council, like a horse in pond, 
Who just can stand and stare, nor pass beyond ; 
Nor noble poet who, in tragic lays, 
Laments our want of taste, his want of praise ; 
Who, when no actor will attempt his play, 1231 
Not even on benefits, not even for pay, 



Line 1282.] It perhaps may not be generally known 
to noble authors, that when a right honourable play is 
in distress, from the plebeian taste of the managers, a 
reserve is still open in the yearly Benefits of the actors. 
For a trifling sum, fifty pounds, or the expences of the 
house, an actor may generally be prevailed upon to give 
it out on his or her benefit. In the theatrical accounts 



552 EPICS Or THE TON : 

On hot-press'd royal bids the drama glow, 
While margins vast their glossy splendour throw ; 
Then to the chosen few the present sends, 1285 
The most distinguished of his titled friends ; 
Who, while the head grows numb, and conscience 

akes, 
Must praise — and read it to prevent mistakes. 

Were Nature not plebeian at the heart, 
No titled head should want the thinking part ; 1290 
Wit, wisdom, courage, with the peerage pass, 
And titles prove specifics for an ass ; 
The royal touch cure dulness, worst of evils, 
And talents pour into the fool that drivels ; 

of the newspapers, dramatic debuts of this kind may 
annually be seen ; and I could mention a great beau, of 
Bond Street notoriety, who has brought all his comic 
productions to light by this mode. If, indeed, the thing 
be so wretched that no actor can undertake it, without 
the certainty of being hissed on his benefit night, — a 
disgrace which he will not for his own sake incur — I then 
can point out no other resource than that mentioned in 
the text. 

Line 1?93.] Every one is acquainted with the power 
of a monarch's touch, in formerly curing that distem- 



THE MALE BOOK. 



Make barren polls in every produce rich, 1205 

While men catch genius, as they catch the itch. 

&uhL of Qu . 



In days of yore, while Rome's old grandeur stood, 
And boars still roam'd the Calydonian wood, 
Celestial groupes in grove and grotto play'd, 
And Fawns and Satyrs danced in every shade ; 1300 
The huntress Dryads graced the moon's pale beam, 
And Naiads laved their beauties in the stream ; 
The hearth much honour'd, and the fruitful plain, 
Each grove, each fountain, had its guardian train. 
Then, by the echoing rock, beneath the tree, 1305 
Where forms divine the swain was wont to see. 



per which is hence denominated the king's evil. One 
would imagine, from the nature of the subjects and the 
extent of the effects, that certain other operations of 
monarchs, on select persons, were introduced to cure 
similar distempers of the mind. 

Line 1303.] The classical reader knows how sacred 
the hearth was accounted in ancient times, and how in- 
violable the stranger found himself under the protection 
of the Penates, 

Z 



254 EPICS OF THE TON: 

The poet, stretch'd the mossy banks along, 
Lull'd in the visions of his rising song, 
In wonder waked, from rock and streams to hear 
Sounds more than human steal upon his ear ; 1310 
And knew the guardian genii of the place 
Had form'd a choir, the muse's son to grace. 

From our dull days, these chearing sprites are fled, 
And scarce a fairy tends the shepherd's tread ; 
By stream, by grot, by fountain, or in grove, 1315 
No satyrs amble, and no dryads rove ; 
Mute are the rocks, and uninspired the trees, 
No sound the poet hears, no vision sees. 

But me the Muse, with Latian fancy, leads 
To sing the genii of her ancient creeds ; 1320 

Hence cull machinery for my epic song, 
And choose a patron from the mystic throng ; 



Line 1312.] Auditis ? an me ludit amabilis 
Insania ? Audire, et videor pios 
En-are per lucos, amccnse 
Quos et aquae subeunt et aurae. 

Line 1321.] It is but of late years that an Epic, 
without machinery, could be expected to be tolerated : 



THE MALE BOOK. 255 

Some god, by men and matrons held divine, 
And thus, with offerings, consecrate his shrine : 
Though now the orchard-wall the school-boy 
shuns, 1325 

Deterr'd alone by man-traps and spring-guns ; 
Though from the seed-beds, ancient garments scare, 
On mimic poles, the tenants of the air ; 
Though, on the king's highway, the matron spy 
No imaged god to make her cry "O fy!" 1330 
To thee, Priapus, shall my vows be paid, 
And votive couplets on thine altar laid ; 



and even at present, many a learned critic will tell you, 
that a poem, without this ingredient, may be called what 
else you please, but certainly not an Epic ; for Aristotle 
expressly defines, &c. It was, therefore, truly fortu- 
nate for our poet, that, before the conclusion of his 
work, he remembered to introduce machinery : His 
work might, otherwise, by great scholars, have been 
denied its name of Epic ; although it has as legitimate 
a title to this denomination, as either the Iliad or Eneid, 
being, no less than they, entirely composed of *;*■£#, 
whence the derivative sznxes. 

Line 1331.] The peculiar province of this God was 
to guard orchards, highways, &c. He was always re- 



256 EPICS OP THE TON : 

In this great town, most honour'd of the gods, 

And duly worship'd in the great abodes. 

Whether, in mortal shape reveal'd to view, 1335 

(The shape, as some relate, of ancient ■ ) ; 

A noted jockey, at all race-grounds known, 
And quite familiar with poor mortals grown, 
You take alike the fair and black legs in, 
The purse of one, the others' favours win, 1340 
And please your godship with tit-bits of sin. 

Or to dark passage silently convey'd, 
You seem John Footman to the chamber-maid ; 
In whispers low your fond desires reveal, 
And, all unknown, her sweet-heart's portion steal j 
Then with a quaint sly thrift, to make amends, 1346 
Purloin her savings of the candle-ends. 

Or, at the brink of dawn, you lie in wait 
Where lamps, in shining piles, adorn the gate ; 
With promised ribbons, and close squeeze, assail 
The buxom virgins of the flowing pail ; 1351 



presented in puris naturalibus, without even a veiling fig- 
leaf -, and hence was usually looked upon as the deity, 
of pruriency. 



THE MALE BOOK. 257 

Who, scorning favours shower'd alike on all, 
Repulse your fervent hug, with angry squall ; 
Pluck from the street, by Dian's aid, fell stones, 
And swear to crack your skull, and break your 
bones. 1355 

Or, placed at dusk, to watch in devious ways, 
When star nor lamp your silent step betrays ; 
Till, by your skilful eye, a petticoat 
Amidst th' uncertain gloom is seen to float : 
Then seize the fair, and haste, in accents meet, 1360 
To lay your soul and body at her feet ; 
Careless if face or person's fine or common, 
And quite content to find your prize a woman ; 
Think to your arms, if cheap, a goddess given, 
Pleased if seventeen she prove, or sixty-seven. 1365 

Line 1352.] It is to be questioned whether the poet 
has not here, for the sake of the verse, employed fa- 
vours simply for promised favours ; for I could never 
learn that the god Priapus ever actually gave ribbons to 
the milk-girls at Hyde Park Corner. 

Line 1354.] Diana, the goddess of chastity, who 
would not fail to render effectual assistance to her vota- 
ries in such a dangerous emergency. 
Z 3 



&5S EPICS OF THE TOtt? 

Or led, Kke Polyphemus, by one eyej 
To opera glass your single light apply j 
Wkh looks intent, the luscious scene survey, 
Where plump Signoras their white spheres display ; 
And, not forgetful of the circling beau, 1370 

Their polish'd iimbs the bounding damsels show, 
And all the charms are seen of Parisot. 
Blest fair ! whose power the gripe of avarice mocks, 
And on her benefit procures the box. 

Or when the balmy hours of circling spring, 13 75- 
Fair holidays, and Greenwich gambols bring ; 
You love, with smirk on face, and glass in hand,. 
At base of hill, with eyes upsent, to stand •> 
Whence striving maidens, rolling down amain, 
Pant for the prize, and tumbling seek the plain; 
Arms, ancles, bosoms, toss'd by turns on high, 138 1 
The kerchiefs loose, and floating robes defy. 

Or with a friend of gout in vis-a-vis, 
The streets you haunt, a belle of fame to see ; 
Now catch a glimpse, at door of crusty law, 1385* 
Of some one beauteous by a grand- faux-pas ; 

Line 1386>] It is curious to observe the charms with. 



TIIE MALE BOOK. 25Q< 

Now, to the green-room door, impatient pres3, 
To view the ballet-corps in morning dress. 

Or, in balcony, oft at noontide seen, 
With hat of straw, and parasol to screen ; 1390 
Yqu eye the romping misses at their walk, 
And slily list to hear the giglets talk ; 
Feel, for the opening buds, your bosom glow,. 
As for their grannams sixty years ago. 

While thus, in mortal shape, you glad our eves, 
O great Priapus ! long not for the skies : 1396. 

With cordial drops, his ready aid to lend, 
May Esculapius still vour steps attend ; 
Warm be the milk in which your limbs you lave,. 
And juicy viands may your stomach crave ; 1400 
Like Plutus rich, your bags of gold o'erflow, 
And no one dun you even for what you owe j 

which a frail fair one is immediately invested.^ as soon as 
she comes before a public court. She is always found 

to. be interesting, beautiful, captivating. Mrs. L < 

seems to be peculiarly aware of this circumstance, and 
therefore endeavours to keep up the affair by Vindications. 
There is certainly no way in which so much eclat is. to 
be gained. 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



May thin-clad damsels, night and morn, await, 
Their soft appointments, just before your gate ; 
There, as their Bond-street, misses daily meet, 1405 
Short be their petticoats, and wet the street ! 



of M- 



The dawn is broke : already far on high, 
The lark's plebeian notes alarm the sky : 
Now creeping watchmen, scarce, by morn alive, 
Still cheat; and six resound, when just past five: 
Now, from gay orgies, rattling chariots bear 1411 
The haggart remnants of the tonish fair 3 
Who bent, next morn, to dash at something new, 
An early breakfast order, just at two : *. 

Now, from the masquerades, demure and slow,1415 
With saffron visage, slinks the jaded beau : 
And forth from Brookes's prowl the pharo groupe, 
While quizzing draymen quaff the brown saloop : 

Line 141S.] Saloop is a liquor formed from an in- 
fusion of saxifrage, and exposed on numerous stalls in 
the streets of London, at an early hour in the morning. 
It is drunk like coffee \ and, with a toasted muffin, 



THE MALE BOOK. Q&l 

Fair ladies, reeling, not a wish provoke, 
And, London atmosphere is free from smoke. 1420 
Tis time for us, my muse, to quit our flight, 
And, ere the son grows hot, to bid good night ; 
E'en fashionables need some hours for sleep, 
And day for rest, as night for pleasure, keep. 
We've trod the scenes, where wealth and power 
abound, 1425 

And yet no patron sought, no patron found ; 
No great Mecaenas has surprised our sight, 
No Bufo has our flattery dragg'd to light. 
Unhired, the Glories of the Age we've sung, 
With hand unbribed, and with unbridled tongue j 
Careless of praise, and little moved by blame, 1431 
No patron's frowns our dread, or smiles our aim. 

Yet had welick'd the foot which shoe-string touches, 
Like poor F — x C — p — r with the youthful duchess t 

forms a very seasonable repast to the various workmen 
on their way to their daily labours. 

Line 1434.] A writer of Lyrics, (need there more 
be said) who lately endeavoured to be known by a very 
fulsome dedication to the youthful spouse of a noble* 
and wealthy duke. 



EPICS OF THE TON : 



Or like Olivia, in a limping speech, ] 

Prais'd the chaste rarities of Lady H. : 
Or warm'd, like M«4r — ce, by Museum fire, 
From Ganges drag'd a hurdy-gurdy lyre ; 



Line 1435.] A lady who can write rhymes, though 
not grammar ; and who endeavoured to prove herself a 
beautiful poetess, by prefixing a portrait of herself to 
her pieces. Her praises are bestowed on those towards 
whom she is attracted by congenial feelings. Similis 
simili gaudet. 

Line 1437.] This man has treated the public taste 
with many ponderous volumes of Indian History and 
Antiquities, on the merits of which, few, we believe, are 
capable of passing a just decision, if indeed a person 
must have read through a work before he is qualified to 
judge of it. To the astonishment of his friends and 
the public, this laborious collector of old women's fables 
suddenly became a poet : the Fall of the Mogul was 
sounded in lofty tragic strains : and a very pretty speci- 
men of poetical typography announced that a vast deal 
more of the same commodity was in embryo, and would 
in due time be brought forth. The subject of one beau- 
tiful piece (royal paper, and printed by Bulmer) was 
Dr. Lettsom's country-seat near Camberwell ; a gentle- 
man who, in spite of his pretty grounds at Grove-hill, 
and good dinners, and love of fame, is likely to prove 



THE MALE BOOK. 263 

The muses loved ; and loved no less, to dine; 
And Lettsom's seat beprais'd, and Lettsom's wine : 
Like G — ff — d, soak'd our wit in loyal zeal, 1441 

And squeezed the lemon upon C g's veal : 

The public taste, with Nelson's praises hit, 
And scrawl'd a monody on Fox or Pitt : 

Like Tommy M e had seratch'd the itching 

throng, 1445 

And tickled matrons with a spicy song : 

Of M a's bounty, M a's manners told, 

Profuse in compliments, but scarce of gold : 



little more fortunate in his bard than Alexander the 
Great. 

Line 1441.] Mr. Gilford's labours in the Anti-jacobin 
newspaper have been already noticed. A man does to- 
lerably well if he can sell a few epigrams and corrections 
for a good place for life. 

Line 1444.] With these nauseous performances, the 
public has of late been so terribly surfeited, that he must 
have a stout stomach who does not actually sicken at the 
name of monody. Yet what will not party swallow ? 
These writers of insipid rhymes grow fat on praises and 
public dinners. 



264 EPICS OF THE TON ! 

Then might her Grace, upon our leaves, display 

Her milk-white hand, and much admire the lay ; 

And, though she deem'd the lie no mighty matter, 

Might blushing lisp — " Indeed, indeed, you flatter :" 

Then might her ladyship, in maiden tone, 

Refuse the tribute of a thing unknown : 

And L — t — m, bounteous to a young beginner, 1455 

Invite to simple joint, and Sunday dinner : 

Then friends in power might on our merits think, 

And some snug post provide for meat and drink : 

At least our subject claim the town's regard, 

And public dinners be our great reward : 1460 

Or, sought by all, engaged to fifty fetes, 

Our songs and presence held the first of treats ; 

Our liquorish lays had dropt in titled ears, 

And our good fortunes gall'd our blank compeers: 

Line 146-L] This seems a gallicism, a literal transla- 
tion of bonnes fortunes. Nothing could be more grati- 
fying than the triumphant reception which this spicy 
poet experienced on his return to his native country. 
Happy was the titled host who could secure him at a day 
six weeks distant. It is amazing that his Excellency the 
L. L. did not make a knight of him. 



THE MALE BOOK. 265 

While sure his smiles to gain, on all who smiles, 
A lord's acquaintance had repaid our toils. 1466 
What ! no Mecaenas ! when the things abound ? 
A patron e'en for Dermody was found ; 
That scape- grace, born to show our wondering 

times, 
With how much vice a man may tag smooth 

rhymes: 14/0 



Line 1468.] This youth had acquired an easy knack 
of writing smooth verses at a ver^y early age. But if he 
was distinguished for this proof of genius, he was still 
more remarkable for an ungovernable propensity to every 
species of vice, which he seemed to have acquired in 
his very nonage. He applied himself, however, to the 
great} and the discerning great showered upon him a more 
liberal patronage than almost any man of genius has lately 
received at their hands. Yet all was in vain. Dermody \s 
debauchery became disgraceful and shocking to the last 
degree ; and no resources were sufficient to save him 
from want. He closed his career at length in a garret ; 
and, what may seem most wonderful, one Raymond 
has given to the public the memoirs of this interesting 
character in two octavo volumes ; and, if I am not 
mistaken, has promised to enlarge still further on the 
theme ' 



266 EPICS OF THE TON ". 

Peers, o'er this hopeful genius, strove to watch, 
And titled dames supplied his gross debauch. 

Sure still some charm attends a patron's name, 
When T — 1 — r's lumber N — f — k's aid may claim ; 



Line 1474.] The observations, which the poet has 
here made on this unfortunate translator, seem intended 
as a sacrifice to the manes of Plato. Mr. Taylor is a very- 
good sort of man ; and the report must be untrue that 
he has so far grecianized himself as actually to believe 
in all the deities of Athens. With regard to the trans- 
lation of Plato, I believe he did his best. Not being 
very well versed in Greek, he had the prudence to make 
use of the Latin version of the learned Ficinus ; and the 
misfortune to copy even his errors. As to the philoso- 
phy of Plato, he seems to have drawn his notions of it 
from the Man of the Moon, or some equally authentic 
source ; but certainly not from the writings of Plato. 
The Socratic mode of reasoning, in his hands, consists 
in saying such unintelligible things in such unaccountable 
terms, that it is impossible for any antagonist to frame 
or imagine a reply. In short the Deus ille noster Plato 
of Cicero seems the most grotesque divinity of the whole 

Pantheon. It is said that his Grace of N , out of 

a liberal desire to encourage literature, bore the expences 
of this publication. It is to be hoped that he looks upon 
virtue as its own reward. 



THE MALE BOOK. Q6J 

T— -1 — r, whose five huge tomes our nerves affright, 
While godlike Plato rants Tom Bedlam quite ; 1476 
And words so strange the grave burlesque express, 
It seems a Bishop robed in Motley's dress. 

Discerning patrons 1 what does genius owe 
To streams which spread so wide, so bounteous flow! 
Which drench the barren sand, and rock so hard, 
Nor ever hope, or, hoping, meet reward ! 1482 

How, from such aid, my soul indignant turns, 
And proudly seeks obscurity and Burns ; 
The boast of Scotland, left by patron peer 1485 
To earn his scanty bread by gauging beer ! 
With downcast visage, and with falt'ring speech, 
No lord shall hear my recreant tongue beseech ; 
Show, in his booby face, the mantling smile, 
While all my ills I tell, and all my toil ; 1490 



' Line 1485.] An Englishman is tempted to say, 
" Had Burns lived in England, he would have expe- 
rienced a different fate." The patronage which Bloom- 
field has received would seem to justify this sentiment : 
but I must repress my proud patriotic feelings, when I 
recollect the fate of Otway and Chatterton. 
A A 2 



268 EPICS OF THE TON : 

With heart unmoved, observe my wants complain, 
And say * he'll think on't' — butne'er think again — 
Till raised, like Johnson, quite beyond his aid, 
I throw the paltry pageant in the shade ; 
Who then, with card and condescending smile, 14Q5 
Would love to share the honours of my toil. 



Line 1496\] There is no instance in which the mind 
is more completely gratified by the triumph of humble 
merit over hereditary power and wealth, than in the 
transactions between Lord Chesterfield and Dr. Johnson. 
When the undiscerning peer, after abandoning the poor 
unknown author to his wretchedness, endeavoured after- 
wards (when Johnson had, by his unaided efforts, drawn 
upon himself the eyes of the world) to seize the station 
of patron, and share the applause which the author had 
earned, the indignant letter which Johnson wrote him 
excites corresponding sentiments in every breast. Yet 
Chesterfield was no common lord : he could make 
merry with titles and privileges : He could term the 
House of Peers, the Hospital of Incurables : He could 
wonder that Chatham would voluntarily enter into 
such a society : And he could talk of genius and learn- 
ing as infinitely more dignified than whatever monarchs 
can bestow. If, therefore, even Chesterfield acted 
this part with Johnson, what is to be expected from 
others ? 



THE MALE BOOK. 269 

But me, nor patron's aid, nor vulgar praise, 
Invites to woo the muse, and weave the lays : 
My name unknown, and doom'd my verse to see 
Assign'd to all that rhyme, but ne'er tome; 1500 
The teeming worthies of a favour'd age 
Alone my fancy wake, my song engage. 
Pleased, them to raise on high to public view, 
Like tall Pagoda in the park of Kew, 
Like traitor's head on Temple Bar of yore, 1505 
Or like lord Cr — n — y drawn by brethren four, — 
Where line ne'er sounded will I sink my name, 
Nor envy them — bear witness, Heaven ! their fame ! 



Line 1506.] This certainly must be a mistake of our 
author, as we have never seen this hero of the whip 
drawn by asses. 

Line 1507.] — — — — — ■ 

" To work mine end upon their senses, that 
" This airy charm is for, I'll break my staff, 
" Bury it certain fathoms in the earth, 
" And deeper than did ever plummet sound, 
" I'll drown my book." Tempest. 



THE END. 



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